Compelling theory, right? You can use it to explain almost any human or animal quirk.

Except that it all starts falling apart once you become a parent. Because about 80 percent of newborn behaviors would have caused the less sensitive parents of yore to put their babies out in the cold and roll a rock over the entrance to the cave, or simply eat them. Assuming that childhood development was roughly the same back in prehistoric times as it is now, by the time the kids made it to toddlerhood, perhaps only 40% of their actions would merit abandonment.

But a sick toddler, one of the most vulnerable creatures, wouldn’t inspire a modicum of nurturing in a parent who wasn’t sophisticated enough to realize that it was just a temporary state that would run its course in due time, and that what the little patient needed most was tender loving care. If Natural Selection really worked, modern sick children would sniffle quietly in the corner as they waited to recover, making adorably pitiful facial expressions. The horrible traits of whining and nagging and clinging and smearing snot would have been extinguished long before we started using tools or making fire. (Did I mention that my kids are sick?)

So the only viable explanation left is that God created us in his image, right? It follows, then, that God is super powerful, but doesn’t really know what he’s doing, much like the dude in “The Greatest American Hero.” He could definitely fuck us all over if he wanted to, and he still might, even if he’s trying to help. Just like a parent.

Next cosmological conundrum?

I have a Facebook friend who was Eeyore in a past lifetime. To begin the week, she “hates Monday’s.” (We won’t mention the rogue apostrophe.) During the week, she hates mean &/or rude people, people who update their FB status more than “once every day or so,” the weather, stress, anxiety, traffic, and getting sick. On Sunday, guess what? She can’t believe it’s Monday again ALREADY. Is there a way to gently remind her that some of us only interact with her via her updates, short of driving to her house, shaking her by her shoulders & shouting “STOP YOUR INFERNAL COMPLAINING ALREADY!!”

Smiles,

Done with the whine

Well, Robin, here’s the thing: people suck. And now, thanks to the internet, they suck online.

Let me ask you something; is she REALLY a friend? Is this someone you like spending time with? When you’re planning a well deserved girl’s night out, is she at the top of your list of friends to invite? No? I didn’t think so.

Whining on Facebook is all the rage!

I see three different ways to go here.

First, you can go ahead and confront her. You can tell her, gently, “Gee, you’re grumpy!” and keep doing it over and over again until she gets a clue. Or you can send her a private message on Facebook and say, again, gently, “My friend, you don’t realize, but I feel like I never get to see you being happy here! Are you okay? Because if I go by your Facebook updates, I’m worried that you might be suffering from depression.”

Secondly, you can do the incognito route and just block her updates. All you do is click on the “X” in the right hand corner of her status updates and when it offers, click, hide all updates from her, and you’re done. No more online whine.

Thirdly, you can go all the way: unfriend her. Which is what I think you might really want to do, yes?

Like I said, people suck, and they suck almost worse online than off. Give humanity a forum, and we will fill it with whine. Hell, I’ve been known to fill my entire twitter stream with self-pity and whines. Ask anyone. But you’re right, when it’s nonstop every day, it’s hard to be patient. Good luck to you.