The Mommy Diet

Gleason's baby

Being a mom is busy work. Who knew it could help your weight loss plan? Check out a typical day’s meal plan on the Mommy Diet: 8:00 AM – Three Cheerios, partially digested by the saliva on the tiny hand that shoved them into your mouth as you tried to feed Cutest Baby Ever his [...]

Measures of Success

aliza laundry

It’s important to take stock of one’s achievements. Every so often, shame is replaced by pride when I think about what I’ve gotten away with accomplished. In a looksie back over the last year, do you mind if I share? Recapture my lost youth? Right after I adjust to the new trifocals. Lose weight? Well, [...]

The Lazy Person’s Guide to Imaginary Weight Loss

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Co-authored by Kristina, frequent Aiming Low guest poster and writer of On-Blank.com My buddy Kristina and I were having a jolly good text chat. The topic of discussion turned to exercise and how we both need to do it, but generally hate it. Then we realized that we DO exercise every single day! You probably [...]

Amazing Life Advice from Someone Without a Life

corn picks

I love all these online articles that fix your life in the ten seconds it takes to read them. Want to know how to get and keep a guy? Or shave your legs so they’re stubble-free for a week? (Those two might be connected) Or lose weight and feel great? Or channel Martha Stewart? Well [...]

Do Everything You Want and Still Gain Weight!

I love cupcakes.

There is no perfect size!! I scoff at patriarchal bullshit that insinuates as much!! But, like, OMG, I am soooo fat. I continue to be fabulous, beautiful and a force to be reckoned with. Nonetheless, I’m a big, fat force to reckoned with. I won’t bore you with why I’m fatter now than ever before, [...]

4 Ways to Get That Summer Diet Going

Dog days of summer. Or is it boys of summer?        I forget.

It’s the dog days of summer! In fact, it’s a month into the summer! If you didn’t realize this, you’re probably under a rock someplace. Say hi to the bugs for me. Or you are below the equator. Or at the North Pole… Everyone seems to want to look their best in the summer. Since [...]

A Brief List of Skills I Have Improved Since My Son Started Crowning

einstein_baby

I realized recently that I don’t always come off as especially grateful when I talk about my life as a new mom. And that’s a shame. Because even though, yes, I wouldn’t know a good night’s sleep if it woke me up at 3 am and started crying and trying to suck on my nipple, [...]

A Conversation with My Scale

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Health-o-Meter Digital Scale: Long time, no see. Me: Yeah, whatever. Just give me the damage. Health-o-Meter Digital Scale: … … … Me: Hello? Health-o-Meter Digital Scale: I’m still thinking… it takes awhile to count that high. Me: Shut up. Are you finished yet? Health-o-Meter Digital Scale: Maybe I’d be able to think better if a.) [...]

Winter Dieting is Stupid

Winter Dieting is Stupid

It is officially the end of February? How many of your New Year’s resolutions have you kept? That’s what I thought. I’m willing to bet that at least one or two of you out there resolved to take some of your holiday weight off this year, and I hate to break it to you but [...]

4 Steps to Make Your Goals CUTE Like You

resolution

About those New Year’s Resolutions: if you’re anything like I was when I was a teenager, you’ve thought about the past year and have made some decisions about how you’re going to make 2012 better. I always made some solid resolutions, but didn’t really make plans for how to accomplish those resolutions. I’ve figured out some things  over [...]

My Super Secret New Year’s Diet

This Shake Weight was used for kissy-face self-portraiture only. No body fat was harmed.

I ended 2011 lighter than I started it, and since I’m feeling especially benevolent after a week spent sobbing over the end credits of “It’s A Wonderful Life” and eating Rolos like I’m re-enacting that scene from “I Love Lucy” when Lucy and Ethel work the chocolate factory assembly line, I’ve decided to share with [...]

4 Ways to Drop Five Pounds Fast!

please read the fine print

So you’ve tried the South Beach diet, the Mediterranean diet, the Tomato Soup diet, and your best friend’s herbal diet pills but you’ve still got a five pound splooge sitting on your belly? I am here to help, girlfriend! Why deprive yourself of food or get all sweaty when there are so many super simple [...]