There is a big, big difference, my friends.

Vacation is a trip to the beach: few days alone, a few with girlfriends. A Family Trip isn’t necessarily restful and peaceful but it can still be really fun and amazing.  Except for the fact that, you know, there’s no REST and no PEACE.

On our Family Trip, we traveled to three cities (Amsterdam, Antwerp, London), ate numerous fish and chips, drank many a Belgian beer, and saw much history and culture. Friends put us up in their tiny city apartment, so we also had the comforts of home. In addition, we flew free business class because we turned in every single point and mile we had. The same friends were gracious enough to host us in two other countries.

No. I won’t give you their number or address. I am nice, but not that nice.

I love you, but I do not love you, love you. I do however love you enough to give you some ideas about how to pack like a Crazy Family on a Family Trip…

• Backpacks. We did this because we wanted to be able to travel with less hassle. If you understand less hassle to mean I had to carry my backpack and my daughter’s backpack most of the time, then, yes, much less hassle.
• Organized Medication. We used gallon  Ziploc baggies. I know, it’s a lot to add to a backpack. We struggled about the decision to bring the pill boxes with written prescriptions or all the bottles but then we thought about an international incident (possibly caused by my son in an airport) and how we could be stranded abroad. We could have made them carry their own meds, but we bear some responsibility since it’s our genetics that caused their reasons for so many meds.
• Stuffed animals. Talk your kids into bringing just mini pillow pets. Really. Talk your kids into it and then tell me how you did it because my kids had their favorite stuffed animals AND the special pillow pets that I’d purchased specifically for the trip.
• Let’s talk shoes. Not like the numerous pairs of shoes no longer owned by Britt. You think the kids need 2 pairs of shoes? They don’t. You don’t need 3 pairs of shoes, either. Resist the urge to bring cute (or handsome) dress shoes.
• Ponchos. I know. Dork with the Capital D. But if you want to pack light so you can run through a couple of airports and go in and out of countries, then pack the reusable ponchos with zipper pouches.  Be warned, you will look like a tourist.
• Charger strip. Just like were all told to bring a power strip to conferences, we did this on our Family Trip. We had one converter and plugged our strip into it then we could each charge our one electronic. Our friends thought we were very clever Americans.

We did have to do laundry but since we stayed in the homes of our friends this task was easy. While we were out and about, I carried one of those tiny nylon bags that scrunch into a 3” square but hold 30 lbs of stuff. Even though we had backpacks, I wouldn’t say we looked like those scruffy but cool, relaxed type of backpackers who are in complete control of their lives.

We just looked like tired, vacationing, crazy travelers.  On a Family Trip.

A happy Family Trip.

I just spent ten hours on a series of three buses as I traveled from northern to southern Saskatchewan, and seven irritating people nearly lost their lives in the process.

7 People I Didn’t Kill On The Bus (Not That I Would Ever Kill People On The Bus)

1.  The mother of the baby with diarrhea: I have nothing against the poor baby, who looked a little feverish, poor thing, but I really do hold it against his mother who could have at least washed her hands with some wipes before leaning over to touch my arm to apologize for the poop festival they were holding on their side of the bus. Thanks for the feces and possibly the flu, lady.

2.  The gassy religious dude: I have nothing against religious guys in robes eating brown gunk out of ziploc bags with spoons, but the loud and regular farting of this guy in particular was straight up ridiculous. Dude.

3.  The old lady who insisted on having the bus driver turn off the air conditioning: She had a blanket folded on her lap for just such a situation, but she didn’t want to use the blanket, though, because she didn’t want to have to go to the trouble of folding it again. For reals. For her comfort, we were all treated to breathing each others’ stank ass breath for half an hour until the man from number four nearly knocked us out with his smell.

4.  The man whose eau de bathroom deodorizer overwhelmed us when the air conditioning was turned off: Did he roll in a pile of deodorizing urinal pucks? His powerful scent was POWERFUL.

5.  The people who let this pass as the one off-vehicle rest stop bathroom between Saskatoon and Regina, Saskatchewan: This double toilet bathroom is both weird and SEVERELY NOT GOOD. Please make it stop, Saskatchewan Transportation Company.

6.  The kid with the video game who refused to wear the earphones his mother offered him: A kid who’s about eleven years old is old enough to know when they’re being an asshole. The kid’s video game nearly found itself on the highway.

7.  The woman who filed her two-inch purple nails for an hour: Don’t. File. Your. Nails. In. Public. Seriously. It was especially disgusting when she repeatedly pushed her nail filings into a little pile on the knee of her jeans, like somehow keeping her collection of the filings tidy made it okay.

And, in the end, they are all NOT DEAD. Why? Because I am a stellar human being who knows when to hide under a scarf and tweet it out.

Who haven’t you killed on the bus?

Something about the idea of defying gravity in a gas tank with wings is so cool that we pay ridiculous amounts of money to do it.

And it becomes costly.

Even if you don’t buy the $9 cocktails, the $3 blanket and the $13 piece of turkey jerky on a cracker they like to call a sandwich, it’s freaking price-y to travel.

So, with the rising costs of airfare, hotel stays, OHMYHOLYHELLTHEDEATHCABS!!! and all the little miscellaneous costs, sometimes you have to cut corners to make being on the road a little more affordable.

Seeing as how we couldn’t possibly be expected to cut into our booze or food budget, we had to do the next best thing we could.

Fake Aiming Low’ers.

All the fun of having them there, but no extra cost!

And? One less person to share a bathroom.  SCORE!

So, I’m going to share this very super duper trade secret that most people won’t tell you about.  HOW to take a large group of people on a trip for the least amount of money possible.

First.

Cut off their heads.

Then?

Put them on a stick.

THEN?

Just carry the disembodied heads around downtown Boston and let the good times roll.

Angie and Janet with FAKE Maria! Look at those smiles.  H-A-P-P-Y.

Katie, Ali and FAKE Amy!  Canada Represents, yo!

Ali’s making sure to “smile with her eyes”

Heather’s rolling with the gnomies

As close as we get to lawn care

Well, of COURSE!

Alli is practically a fashion icon in Boston

RAWWWWWR!

And the gang’s ALMOST all there.

CHEAP!

ps. to all our girls who can’t be here, WE MISS YOU!