Lay the Spanx Wings Upon Me

medium_5506676241

Is there anyone that remembers girdles? My mother wore one, and watching her wrestle into it never ceased to amuse me. I’d pop some Jiffy Pop and sit on the edge of the bed, and await the All-Star Wrestler that my mother became when she’d take on the Playtex 18-Hour Cross Your Heart I Can’t [...]

The Stigma on My Upper Lip

Dirtball at preschool pickup.

Ask me about my mustache!

First World Closet Problems

medium_3627385583

For a striking example of First World Problems, I submit, Exhibit A: The Walk-In Closet. More times than I can count, I have stood amidst shameful racks and stacks of clothing, muttering to myself, “I have NOTHING to wear!” Nothing, no thing. No swathe of material that I deem appropriate to place over my body [...]

The Vagina Whisperers

unicornman

You’ve heard of horse whisperers. Dog whisperers. Baby whisperers. But do you have a vagina whisperer in your life? A vagina whisperer is one who understands the vagina, soothes the vagina, makes the vagina happy and can coax a fetus to come towards the light. I am not suggesting that every lover you have must [...]

Can a Family Car Ever Be Cool?

medium_5505199381

Car manufacturers hope that if they throw rap songs, heavy metal songs, images of hipster couples with their hipster babies, and the promise of kids subdued into open mouthed drooling because of a drop-down DVD player six inches in front of their face at us, that we’ll finally fall in love with the minivan. That [...]

Fancy Lady: Or How I Realized I Was a Hot Mess

Next up? Learning how to take a self-portrait.

This is my story. In the last few years I have lost my fancy self. Completely. I blame these kids. In my twenties I was pretty flashy, a touch gaudy, and a lot drag queen. Then I had kids and here I am thirty-something and sloppy. It started with not wearing any jewels. Because babies [...]

Skinny Jeans vs. Muffin Top

IMG_0690

I am very particular about my clothes. Most people don’t realize this because I look like hell most of the time and, in the summer, I dress like Elroy Jetson when he was in the Spacecubs. Recently, as I was preparing to go to New York, I realized I needed some new clothes. Dressing like [...]

School Drop-Off Hall of Shame

dropoff

For years, I dropped my kids off at school right before heading to work. That meant I had to shower and put on clothes that could pass as professional by social work standards before taking them to school. About a year ago, my employer started allowing us to work from home and that is when [...]

6 Sneaky Ways To Tell Your BFF She Looks Horrible in Capris

medium_143777305

Spring is here. The sun is coming out and the winter coats are being put away. Your BFF is asking you to come along on a spring time shopping spree because when temperatures get higher, shirt sleeves and pants legs get shorter. Being the awesome friend that you are, you go with her to the [...]

5 Reasons Lois Lane’s Ditching Superman for the PlayBook

medium_3550140549

Sorry, Clark Kent, Superman and maybe even Jimmy… Lois Lane is going solo. In a fascinating turn of events, the veteran journalist of Metropolis’ Daily Planet is rumored to have booted both Clark Kent and Superman, who incidentally are never seen together but that doesn’t mean anything, from her tight circle of confidantes. The upgraded [...]

10 Spring 2012 Fashion Trends You Have My Full Permission to Ignore

2012 spring fashion trends

There are a few trends for Spring 2012 I am hoping 2013 might weed out for us.

How to Make a Superhero Cape

006-1

A couple of years ago, I found myself trapped in a house with two very active little boys and a baby. It was the sort of situation guaranteed to crack even the toughest nut. And let’s be fair. I’m not that tough. In a flash of genius, I told the boys I’d make them superhero [...]