Do your boobs hang low? Can you swing them to and fro? Can you tie ‘em in a knot? Can you tie ‘em in a bow? Do they flip and flop and dangle, Do they wind around your ankles? Can you do the double shuffle? When your boobs hang low? At 21, a friend of…
Tag Archive: sex
That One Time I Thought I Had Treatment-Resistant Tuberculosis
I’m not a hypochondriac, not normally. But then I had kids and I was sure that I had a brain tumor. Turns out, it was just the kids. As I age, I’ve realized that I want to live for a long time… so now I’m paranoid that I’m going to die.
How to Celebrate Your Birthday in Style
It’s my birthday today. Yup. I’m going to be 29 again. I’ve been turning 29 for six years now. Lots of time to get the perfect 29th birthday planned. First, I’m going to read though the journals I kept as a teenager and laugh at my angsty teenage self. This will allow me to feel…
4 Ways To Get Your Mojo Back Like A Beast
If you’re anything like, oh, everyone else besides Martha Stewart and Mrs. Claus, then at some point over the holidays you lost your mojo. Whether you wrapped it up and gave it to charity by accident or whether it’s sitting in someone’s freezer baked into a fruitcake they’re planning on re-gifting next year, the damn…
8 Ways to Avoid Having Sex This Christmas
For Christmas I would like to not put out. I haven’t baked a cookie, wrapped a present, and I’ve barely shopped. My stellar case of laze might as well follow me to the bedroom this holiday season. But there is another person involved here: my Not-so Husband. Yeah, no means no. But there’s nothing like…
Why Every Girl Needs a Good Guy
My first serious boyfriend was when I was sixteen. I know when I write “serious,” you’re thinking “they had sex.” We didn’t. He didn’t want to. Wait, scratch that. He was a human male. Of course he wanted to. But he didn’t believe in premarital sex. Yup. I found a rare one. He was the…
Pregnancy. Sh*t Happens.
Pregnancy is full of the unexpected. Surprise, I conceived while still in the “planing to plan” stage. There was no pressure, just sexing it up and having a good time. When I found out that I was pregnant, I was ecstatic. I could finally eat and exhale. Surprise, carbs are my best friend.
Why Did I Think That?
When I was in high school my first official “boyfriend” told some people that we had sex and I was appalled. I wasn’t appalled that he was kissing and telling, I was appalled because it wasn’t true. We didn’t have sex. It wasn’t like I thought he was trying to spread rumors or brag. He…
