The Horrors of Toddlery

I saw a group of children today, And this is the only thing I can say: I’m never EVER gonna have ANY. This group of parents I was watching just had WAY too many.   They’re all rude little fuckers with dirty little hands, And listen to all those shitty kid bands. They’re loud, and [...]

Urine Luck

What you are about to hear is an interesting story, But it’s not about goals, feats, or glory. It’s simply about a man named Ray, Who discovered quite an unusual talent one day.   You see, all his life Ray only ate meat, He avoided fruits and veggies, and other healthy things to eat. Until [...]

It’s Two Days After Christmas…A Totally Exhausted Poem

                                image credit It’s Two Days After Christmas ‘Tis two days after Christmas and all through the house Shit’s strewn everywhere and there’s wine on my blouse The kids in their snuggles tucked up in their beds While visions of flame throwers [...]

An Ode to Hot Sauce

hothothot

There are some things in life that aren’t delightful; The outcomes are boring, or dreary and gray. They leave you with pain and make you feel spiteful, Like the time I got hot sauce on my penis one day. While eating nachos and some salsa I got, I realized my hot salsa needed more hot. [...]

Stu and His Glue

turkeybaster

Here’s a weird story:  I have this friend Stu, And Stu liked to do real weird things with glue. He’d sniff it, and lick it, and throw it on walls, He liked to glue glitter on both of his balls.   So one day the phone rings, and I see that it’s Stu, I answer [...]

Lines

medium_6671712087

When does a pause become a silence? When does a glance become a stare? When does a hug become a holding? That line that’s barely there. When does a short story become a novel? When does a house become a home? When does a statement become a promise? That line that can’t be known.

Apology to My Minivan: A Lyric Poem

minivan

Forgive me, for my eye has roved. There was a 1970 Challenger R/T parked in front of the restaurant at the beach, and a couple cars down, a Ferrari Testarossa: red, as they always are   But it wasn’t these trifles that tempted me. No: My eye, though it did rove, was jaundiced toward these [...]

Ma’am

Julie Gardner

So the bag boys and girls at the grocery store have started calling me “ma’am.”  Right before they ask if I need help to my car.  I assume this is standard protocol and not because my high fiber oatmeal suggests I can’t manage a solo journey across the parking lot. And I’m certain the employees are [...]

If I Knew Then What I Know Now

hallway

If I knew then what I know now I would have had more fun Showed the others how My smile brought the sun.