Wherefore Art Thou, Butt Dial?

"Hello, 911? I'd like to report an emergency. These jeans are doing NOTHING for me."

My butt has it in for me. First of all, since I had my baby it has flattened into the shape and consistency of a pair of week-old, dried-out pancakes. And not silver dollars, either–those gigantic, ottoman-size ones you see on episodes of Man vs. Food. You know how people say “She has an ass [...]

This Call Is Being Recorded For Training Purposes

call-me

Call anyone these days and you get that  robotic reminder that “this call is being recorded for training purposes.” It’s so standard that you don’t really register that the message has happened. Heck, I’m so busy jabbing my index finger on the number zero, waiting for the magic moment when my call will get placed [...]