I Don’t Always Think Ahead

He hopes Nana doesn't get mad about the hair on the couch.

I went to the hunt camp the other day with Blue. We had to take the new used lawnmower up and cut a bit of wood for the winter. No one really wants to trudge through three or four feet of snow to thaw out the icicle of a cabin, but I’m hoping that this [...]

The Incredible Dancing Six-Toed Woman


It all started one morning when my husband and I were walking the dog. A woman stopped us to ask how to get to the Dali Museum. My husband gave her completely wrong directions because he was confusing his left and his right. I guess that’s what happens when you’re a genius. I wouldn’t know. [...]

Pet are Not Philanthropists

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As I was driving to Target the other day, I stopped behind a van with a bumper sticker that said the following: My Dog Gave Blood at ACCES. Just hear me out, people. I am a pet owner. I have always had cats and dogs and one unfortunate stint with mice as a child. I [...]

Pet Assassin


When I became a mother, I was prepared to face all kinds of nuttery: spit-up, vomit, excrement on the floor/walls/furniture…you know, the typical stuff. A job I was completely unprepared for? Pet Assassin. Not a coveted job, Pet Assassin. When I got the call for the hit, I was nursing my mother after her bladder [...]

The Hidden Dangers of Family Pets


The kids want a pet and you don’t, so you offer them hush money… but they continue to ask for a pet, so you offer to buy them something outrageous like an iPad or a new Porsche and yet they still ask so, after months of negotiations, you finally agree to get a gerbil. They [...]

Of Mice and Women


Did I mention there’s a mouse in my house? Yeah, cuz there is. It’s all cute and it lives in the walls and scampers along the water radiation pipes. I can hear it, at night, in the living room, cleaning up the crumbs the kids have left from sneaking Rice Krispies squares behind the couch. [...]

Sure, Stupid Dog; Go Ahead and Eat That


I think my dog has pica. You know, that crazy disease that causes people to eat random, not normal food stuff? You’ve probably seen a TLC special on it, because TLC does specials on everything strange. If compulsions to eat weird stuff aren’t special worthy, then I don’t know what is. (Except for mothers who [...]

It’s Not Cat Pee; It’s Me

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We have a cat that, unfortunately, if given the opportunity, will pee on our bed. Why would we keep a cat like that? Well, she didn’t start out that way. Then three years ago, our family went away for a TWO week summer vacation instead of our usual one week trip. And the cat was, [...]

The Grass Is Always Greener When It Doesn’t Smell Like Urine

It’s been at least a week since I grossed you out. “Too long!” some may shout. “Not long enough!” others will cry. I, myself, subscribe to the “Too long!” camp. My dog, who just turned four is seven pounds. I live on the top floor (4) of my condo building, and there is no elevator. [...]

Teaching Your Kids Elder Care Via The Family Pet


Old, wrinkly, toothless. Slow moving, slow walking, sleep inclined. Irritable, quick to snap, testy. Am I describing grandma or grandpa? Neither. I’m talking about the greatest training ground for grooming your children to care for the older, future you. The pet turtle. What could be more like the person your kids will be tending to [...]

My Dog Does Not Need A Spray-Tan: A Pragmatist’s Pet-Cost Assessment


If you lock your wife and your dog in the trunk of a car for an hour, which one of them will be happy to see you when you let them out? Though I can’t give my husband credit for that corny joke, he has repeated it more than once. He also loves his dog. [...]

Doggone: Man’s Best (& Enduring) 3 Friends

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It’s not that my colleague would push his dogs into the great beyond to take their rightful place in pet heaven, but he would sign a ‘do not resuscitate’ if the opportunity showed up. Don’t go there, animal lovers! This is a humorous dialogue about three long-living senior citizens who have outlasted predicted demise…and their [...]