Calgon refuses to take me away.

I slipped away after supper thinking I might grab a relaxing soak in the tub. The first 90 seconds of my bath? Sublime. Remember those “Calgon, Take Me Away” ads from the 1970s? For a minute and a half, I was that last scene of the transformed harried housewife, at last calmly luxuriating in her [...]

I’m BOASTING, BABY!!!!!

aliza

So, you know how so many people post Facebook status updates the night before the first day of school? “Lunches are packed! Kids in bed! Backpacks ready! Forms filled out! Relaxing with a glass of wine and hubby!” And it’s only 8 p.m.? Some are dear friends of mine – and I hope they still [...]

Signs Your Kid Might Grow Up To Be a Super Villain

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A lot of times people show their careers at a very young age. Like you see Little Timmy behaving a certain way and you’ll say, “Oh, he’s going to grow up to be such a good policeman.” And then in a few years, you have Officer Timothy, heading up the Block Parent Association meeting at [...]

Cinnamon Sugar Pull Apart Bread

How to make cinnamon sugar pull apart bread

Mother’s Day was yesterday.  How many of us truly got the entire day off from mom duty?  Not many, that’s for sure. If you have to spend time in the kitchen on Mother’ Day, why not make the most of it by having your kids join you. This recipe is perfect for little hands to [...]

You Say Aphasia, I Say To-Mah-To

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I like to think I’m a hands-on parent. Somewhere between absent and hovering. In an attempt to “participate” in my children’s “upbringing,” I sometimes look over their shoulder to see what they’re watching on their various devices. Shockingly, the 16-year-old and the 14-year-old find this annoying. The 9-year-old, however, STILL LOVES ME, and willingly participates [...]

The Accidental Seder (Phlegm Isn’t a Plague?)

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A few years ago, I told my friend, Mitch that I’d never seen the movie, The Ten Commandments. Correctly deducing that this meant I was a horrible Jew and had not actively been passing on critical knowledge (not to mention that great movie) to my children, he launched into an interrogation, asking, “Does Emma know [...]

Halos, Horns, and Homeschoolers

alfam

When my new neighbor found out I homeschool my seven kids, she tapped the top of my head and said, “I think I see a halo.” For the record, NEVER do that. I wanted to slug her, but like the good girl I was raised to be—dammit–I smiled politely and changed the subject. But seriously, [...]

When Your New BFF Doesn’t Know She Wants To Be Your BFF Yet

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So, you’ve met this mom at 5:30 a.m. CardioPump, and she’s wicked funny and laughs endearingly with her hand over her mouth when the breast-implants-bought-on-a-girls-roadtrip-to-Mexico nasty neighbor up front hits herself in the face with the hand weights. When you see that your new crush’s travel mug reads, “Yeah. I said it. So What,” you [...]

I Want the Truth

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If you could impress one lesson upon your children, what would it be? A tough question, I know. As parents we teach our children just about every little thing; from using the toilet to expressing gratitude. But if I had to pick one, it would be about honesty. I’ve tried valiantly to instill this quality [...]

Things I’d Like My Daughters to Know

alfam

My daughters. My loves. My world. The apples of my eye. My oldest recently turned four years old and my youngest is two and a half. Right now they’re learning things like the alphabet, to look both ways before crossing the street, and how to quietly hide by my bed and scare the crap out [...]

The Etiquette of Barking Spiders

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I got a talking-to the other day. My son, Connor, was picking up the splayed cards from his memory game the other night when we heard a noise come from the kitchen, where my husband was making dinner. A barking spider, or at least that’s what it sounded like to us. I was playing around [...]

Pet are Not Philanthropists

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As I was driving to Target the other day, I stopped behind a van with a bumper sticker that said the following: My Dog Gave Blood at ACCES. Just hear me out, people. I am a pet owner. I have always had cats and dogs and one unfortunate stint with mice as a child. I [...]