I dread Mondays. Aside from the usual end of the weekend blues, Mondays are the days I have to spend digging my house out of the Sunday MegaWarehouse bulk shopping my husband does.
Can Twin Marital Beds Be The Answer?
There was a recent study released linking depression to sleep apnea. I can now rest easier knowing my husband is one happy mofo even if I’m on the couch. I’m pretty sure he could take on Fred Flintstone in his ability to blow a feather in the air on his exhale and let it coast down rhythmically. As I [...]
10 Ways to Tell if Your MIL is the Devil
If you are married, you have a mother-in-law. Wouldn’t it be easier just to call her what she really is–the woman whom you must tolerate for the rest of your life in order to marry her precious son? Call her by her real name, which is “woman who will never like me despite my best efforts [...]
I Love You Just the Way You Poop
A lot of people measure the success of a relationship in superficial milestones: idyllic vacations, gemstone anniversaries, the birth of children. I prefer to be more realistic: When you start announcing your poop schedule to your beloved, you might as well buy your adjacent cemetery plots now, because CONGRATULATIONS, you just bought a one-way ticket [...]
How to Make a Puff Pancake That Will Get You Laid
Valentine’s Day is coming up and for those of you who have a Valentine, there’s only one breakfast that will guarantee you both will be taking a sick day. And by sick day, I mean an *ahem* “sick” day. This basis of recipe comes courtesy of a certain red and white checked cookbook. And, because I’m [...]
That One Time Ambien Almost Got Me Into a Three-Way
Do you suffer from a lack of restful sleep? Are you a parent? Are you an adult with responsibilities? If you are, you have probably experienced bouts of insomnia. It’s either trouble falling asleep–due to the ever-growing list that lights up your wall as you try to turn off your brain at night–or trouble staying [...]
Feeling Like Robert Downey Jr’s Father
I watch the morning scene unfold, my eyes filling with tears as I hang my head guiltily. The children and I stand together, unified in our love for their father, as he turns the kitchen upside down, slamming cabinet doors, whipping through shelves, tossing contents aside as he searches for any amount of it. Mom. [...]
Pick Your Battles or Hide Your Toothbrush
I’ve heard that in successful marriages, there are comprises. Though I have only been married to my current husband for 10 years, collectively I have been married 15, and I believe that good behavior during time served in previous matrimony ought to count for something. I did learn something during those years, such as: Don’t [...]
Loving Yourself Enough to Change
My husband and I were married the year after I graduated high school, when I was 18 and he was 21 (and while it’s a happy story, that is one for another day). The first couple of years were rough, and nearly all of it could be attributed to our differences, which stemmed from the foundations [...]
How to Celebrate Your Birthday in Style
It’s my birthday today. Yup. I’m going to be 29 again. I’ve been turning 29 for six years now. Lots of time to get the perfect 29th birthday planned. First, I’m going to read though the journals I kept as a teenager and laugh at my angsty teenage self. This will allow me to feel [...]
Cheaper to Keep Her
On our first date, my husband took me to a hole-in-the-wall authentic Chinese buffet after the lunch rush had ended. A woman who looked like a waitress simply gestured toward one of the many empty tables when we walked in because she had a chicken foot dangling from her mouth. Though completely grossed out by [...]
8 Ways to Avoid Having Sex This Christmas
For Christmas I would like to not put out. I haven’t baked a cookie, wrapped a present, and I’ve barely shopped. My stellar case of laze might as well follow me to the bedroom this holiday season. But there is another person involved here: my Not-so Husband. Yeah, no means no. But there’s nothing like [...]
