Early Retirement?

If you have to get old, you might as well do it with pizzazz.

Winter seems to be going on forever around here. The dog is dragging his wiener every time he goes out for a pee, and I seem to be shoveling more of the salty slush that the plow keeps throwing in the driveway. It’s a constant barrage of melancholia and it’s really taking it’s toll on [...]

Snowed In

A portion of the 50 vehicle accident a few miles from our place.

You may or may not know this, but I am a big fan of date nights. It’s true, I absolutely love having a night alone with my beautiful lady. What you might not know about me is that every two weeks, I get a date weekend, and I love them even more. This weekend was [...]

Gird your loins: V-Day is coming!

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Valentine’s Day is coming up faster than you’d like to believe. Although I have a general distaste for Hallmark holidays, I’m gonna tell it to you straight: if you’re in any kind of relationship, you need to know what the explicit expectations are for this holiday of lurve. At my house, I make meatloaf. No [...]

My Wife Found Her X Chromosome

Baby? Was I supposed to thaw this out first? It seems a bit rare.

I think she must have cracked up a bit while I was away this time, because when I got home, the house was clean, the dog was still alive, and she was already planning the next night’s dinner. Seriously. I know this doesn’t seem like a big deal to all of you Martha Stewart wannabes, [...]

Every kiss doesn’t begin with Kay.

No!

My husband proposed in front of a dog-doo sanitation unit. You know, the little stand they have in parks and on trails, with baggies and a trash can where you can stow poo? Yeah. He didn’t mean to, but when he got down on 1 knee along the trail where we had our first date, [...]

I Love My Job

Sunrise as I soak down the freshly graded powder.

I really do like getting up and going to work in the morning. Now. I wasn’t  always so eager, but I love coming out west in the winters and freezing in ice roads. I don’t know why. Before you get excited I’ll tell you that it’s not like on the show. This is a totally [...]

Coffee, Stat!

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OH MY LORD, are we out of coffee? Really? What time does Starbucks open? Not till 6 AM? What the #@%”&# is the matter with them? We are experiencing a caffeine crisis here, people. I cannot be held responsible for my actions if I don’t get some Arabica beans ground, and, pronto! For most of [...]

The Incredible Dancing Six-Toed Woman

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It all started one morning when my husband and I were walking the dog. A woman stopped us to ask how to get to the Dali Museum. My husband gave her completely wrong directions because he was confusing his left and his right. I guess that’s what happens when you’re a genius. I wouldn’t know. [...]

Why Don’t They Make Hooters for Women?

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My husband loves to annoy me. One of his favorite ways is by suggesting the family eat dinner at Hooters. The kids (I need to point out, they are all girls) hang on his every word. But they don’t understand what Hooters is. Nor do they understand the concepts of dirty old men, negative attention, [...]

Built To Last… A Year or Two

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I’m going to drive this car into the ground. You hear people say that. But what you don’t hear people say is, I’m going to get the last rinse cycle out of this dishwasher if it’s the last thing I do. We don’t plan out our relationships with major appliances that long. We buy ‘em. [...]

My Ex-Wife Got Married (But I’m Pretty Sure Still Uses My Last Name)

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Christina and I divorced over two and half years ago. I still contact her every once in a while. We’re perfectly friendly and sometimes I need advice on pet stuff. She is a vet. Well, my dog is due for a dental. Meepers is very sensitive to shots and has become sick in the past [...]

Moving In

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The great thing about buying a house is finally living in it. The actual act of moving isn’t so great. There are too many boxes and too much heavy lifting. You have to organize, pack, and clean. Then you have to clean and unpack and organize some more. If I were Martha Stewart maybe I’d [...]