Ceramic squirrels are a girl’s best friend.

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Did you stab anybody this past Christmas? A few women did. One lady stabbed her fiancé during an argument over the color scheme for their wedding. Another woman was so upset when her boyfriend came home without beer on Christmas that she beat and stabbed him with a ceramic squirrel. A ceramic squirrel. Now, I’ve [...]

Can I Get A Witness?

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So we are in a bit of a game with a bunch of friends from the beer league. It’s called Conky The Drunken Gnome Game and the rules are basically that if you find Conky on your doorstep you have two days to get him to one of the other player’s doorsteps or you have [...]

Coffee, Stat!

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OH MY LORD, are we out of coffee? Really? What time does Starbucks open? Not till 6 AM? What the #@%”&# is the matter with them? We are experiencing a caffeine crisis here, people. I cannot be held responsible for my actions if I don’t get some Arabica beans ground, and, pronto! For most of [...]

I’m BOASTING, BABY!!!!!

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So, you know how so many people post Facebook status updates the night before the first day of school? “Lunches are packed! Kids in bed! Backpacks ready! Forms filled out! Relaxing with a glass of wine and hubby!” And it’s only 8 p.m.? Some are dear friends of mine – and I hope they still [...]

Do as I say, not as I did

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I’m the first one to admit I don’t know much. But I have learned a couple of stupidly unrelated tips the hard way. Just promise me you’ll file them away until you’re in a similar situation and I promise you’ll have a much nicer time. Trust me. 1. Wear gloves when you handle peppers. Of [...]

A Fork In The Grass

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The following is a conversation that really took place last week, with no embellishment on my part. Allow me to set the scene: Nicky’s baseball game. Sunny, beautiful, breezy Sunday afternoon. I was sitting next to our friend, Glen* – our boys have played baseball together for the last few years, and even though he [...]

You Say Aphasia, I Say To-Mah-To

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I like to think I’m a hands-on parent. Somewhere between absent and hovering. In an attempt to “participate” in my children’s “upbringing,” I sometimes look over their shoulder to see what they’re watching on their various devices. Shockingly, the 16-year-old and the 14-year-old find this annoying. The 9-year-old, however, STILL LOVES ME, and willingly participates [...]

Moving In

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The great thing about buying a house is finally living in it. The actual act of moving isn’t so great. There are too many boxes and too much heavy lifting. You have to organize, pack, and clean. Then you have to clean and unpack and organize some more. If I were Martha Stewart maybe I’d [...]

You Might Be An ADD Mom

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As usual, I was standing in the shower when I had an idea. An awful idea. A wonderful, awful idea. No, no I’m not going to steal Christmas, that’s been done. I was thinking of how you know when you’re an ADD Mom and wife. I think I qualify (I’ve been diagnosed and everything!) So [...]

What Happens After the Happily Ever After

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The movie is over, the couple walks away in the sunset hand in hand. You put down the crumpled up wet tissues that you were using to wipe away the happy tears. You walk away feeling good, love is grand! We’ve all watched these movies, read those books. I know I have. But, have you [...]

The Accidental Seder (Phlegm Isn’t a Plague?)

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A few years ago, I told my friend, Mitch that I’d never seen the movie, The Ten Commandments. Correctly deducing that this meant I was a horrible Jew and had not actively been passing on critical knowledge (not to mention that great movie) to my children, he launched into an interrogation, asking, “Does Emma know [...]

Halos, Horns, and Homeschoolers

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When my new neighbor found out I homeschool my seven kids, she tapped the top of my head and said, “I think I see a halo.” For the record, NEVER do that. I wanted to slug her, but like the good girl I was raised to be—dammit–I smiled politely and changed the subject. But seriously, [...]