Foreigner Was Right: Love is Urgent

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Even though she knows I hate Urgent Care, my daughter (let’s call her the Girl) has contracted poison oak again.  She’s swelling, she’s itching, she’s oozing.  The whole situation is downright miserable. For me.  But before your eyes roll, let me explain. I have a history of poor judgment regarding when a visit to Urgent Care [...]

The Horrors of Toddlery

I saw a group of children today, And this is the only thing I can say: I’m never EVER gonna have ANY. This group of parents I was watching just had WAY too many.   They’re all rude little fuckers with dirty little hands, And listen to all those shitty kid bands. They’re loud, and [...]

Word To the Gamers In Your Life From Your Mama Del Roy: Video Games

Video Games music by Lana DelRey lyrics by Linda Roy Lyrics by Mama Del Roy Music by Lana Del Rey You haven’t seen our backyard Don’t make me stop this car Callin’ out my name “Mom get me a root beer, bring it over here I’m playing video games” Hurry up and get dressed You’re [...]

Walk The Walk

Not me, but it sure could have been with those clothes.

You know how kids sometimes don’t do things when you ask them to? Yeah, I know it’s rare, but every once in a while they just seem to forget when you mentioned that the laundry needed to be put in the dryer after the buzzer went off and the dry clothes need to be folded. [...]

Calgon refuses to take me away.

I slipped away after supper thinking I might grab a relaxing soak in the tub. The first 90 seconds of my bath? Sublime. Remember those “Calgon, Take Me Away” ads from the 1970s? For a minute and a half, I was that last scene of the transformed harried housewife, at last calmly luxuriating in her [...]

A RUINED MIRACLE

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“Why Pope Benedict retire? Isn’t that atypical?” I asked the priest in line next to me at the airline check-in counter after shooting the shit about football and taxes. “Well, he was older. You know, he just wanted to lay around in his pajamas all day and drink wine with his friends,” he replied. “Oh, [...]

And We Will Never, Ever Vacation Again

It's all fun and cute games until Mommy doesn't get enough sleep

Recently, my husband and I tried to be fun and took our kids to the beach for a week.  As it turned out, we are the antithesis of fun, and it quickly became apparent that beach vacationing may be out of our league.  FAR out of our league. The whole messy business started with packing.  [...]

Signs Your Kid Might Grow Up To Be a Super Villain

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A lot of times people show their careers at a very young age. Like you see Little Timmy behaving a certain way and you’ll say, “Oh, he’s going to grow up to be such a good policeman.” And then in a few years, you have Officer Timothy, heading up the Block Parent Association meeting at [...]

Rock n Roll Advice For Kids From Uncle Mick

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Many of life’s big lessons, I learned from Uncle Mick. “You can’t always get what you want. But if you try sometimes, you just might find… You get what you need.” I say it to my kids all the time. Kids today just don’t know how good they’ve got it. Isn’t that what our parents said? [...]

It’s Not Mother’s Day

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It’s not Mother’s Day. Not yet, anyway. But it will be. And until then, my Mama friends, that means keep on trucking with that maternal will and determination we all know and love. I’m not saying our husbands don’t help. But this job is 24/7 and in many cases we’re on constant call. So until [...]

Tales of the Toilet Monster

What I see

When my daughter tells me she needs to go to the bathroom in a public area, I cringe. My oldest daughter has a ridiculous phobia of automatic toilets. So when I walk into any public bathroom and see that sensor, I have to prepare her for a life lesson that just doesn’t seem to sink [...]

4 Reasons to Just Say No to Umbilical Cord Art

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Umbilical cords are no longer merely a lifeline between a mother and child. They are more than a potential source of stem cells with the power to provide life saving medical miracles. Now, with some clever marketing, they could become the art medium de jour. New parents now have the option to explore the artistic [...]