Five Wishes For Santa

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There are five things I’d like for Christmas, but I’m not planning on visiting the local mall to sit on some fat guy’s lap with my wish list in hand. A candy cane and a pat on the head isn’t going to give me the confidence I need to fulfill my Christmas wishes, either. I’ll [...]

A RUINED MIRACLE

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“Why Pope Benedict retire? Isn’t that atypical?” I asked the priest in line next to me at the airline check-in counter after shooting the shit about football and taxes. “Well, he was older. You know, he just wanted to lay around in his pajamas all day and drink wine with his friends,” he replied. “Oh, [...]

The Incredible Dancing Six-Toed Woman

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It all started one morning when my husband and I were walking the dog. A woman stopped us to ask how to get to the Dali Museum. My husband gave her completely wrong directions because he was confusing his left and his right. I guess that’s what happens when you’re a genius. I wouldn’t know. [...]

Why Don’t They Make Hooters for Women?

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My husband loves to annoy me. One of his favorite ways is by suggesting the family eat dinner at Hooters. The kids (I need to point out, they are all girls) hang on his every word. But they don’t understand what Hooters is. Nor do they understand the concepts of dirty old men, negative attention, [...]

My Authentic Self. Which One?

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I’m as spiritual as the next new-ager, but I’m struggling with the life charge to find and live as your “authentic self.” For my non-spirit-seeking friends that means, dig deep inside, find your ugly truths and live them. To take it further; outer reality is illusion and only what we know and feel inside, is [...]

Built To Last… A Year or Two

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I’m going to drive this car into the ground. You hear people say that. But what you don’t hear people say is, I’m going to get the last rinse cycle out of this dishwasher if it’s the last thing I do. We don’t plan out our relationships with major appliances that long. We buy ‘em. [...]

7 Lazy Tricks to Tackle Holiday Baking

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I love the holidays, and I love baking. No lie; I just might have a problem. As much as I love to bake, it can be such a time-suck. Along the way, I’ve found great tricks to make holiday goodies completely kick ass, without much effort. Intrigued? You should be! Boxed is OK! Boxed cookie or [...]

All I Ever Needed To Know I Learned During My Episiotomy

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Hi, my name is Julie, and I’m a victim of Circumstantial Shamelessness. I once had plenty of shame. My first pregnancy for example; a time of innocence when I shuddered at the prospect of anyone witnessing me push another person out of my own person; when I imagined even my husband remaining “north of the [...]

AIMING LOW MAILBAG: The Bowels of Hell

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Today was my son’s 3rd birthday. (Happy birthday, buddy. You ROCK). The big birthday party is this weekend, but to celebrate as a family we went out to dinner at his favorite restaurant. Naturally, just before the meals come he announces to the entire restaurant “I have to go pee pee!” Without missing a beat [...]

Mommy’s little creeper

Six words that saved my life this morning: We’re putting the crib back together. It’s been about three weeks since we converted Henry’s crib into a bed and two weeks since anyone in this house has gotten a decent night’s sleep. We have a routine. Paci in, cloud blankie on his lap, baby doll tucked safely [...]