A Fork In The Grass

alizas fork in the grass post

The following is a conversation that really took place last week, with no embellishment on my part. Allow me to set the scene: Nicky’s baseball game. Sunny, beautiful, breezy Sunday afternoon. I was sitting next to our friend, Glen* – our boys have played baseball together for the last few years, and even though he [...]

The Etiquette of Barking Spiders

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I got a talking-to the other day. My son, Connor, was picking up the splayed cards from his memory game the other night when we heard a noise come from the kitchen, where my husband was making dinner. A barking spider, or at least that’s what it sounded like to us. I was playing around [...]

Zen and the Art of Toilet Seat Safety

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In my mother’s cream-colored purse of my youth, you would have found something like this: A snap case of EMERGENCY toilet seat covers. Emergency; defined by my mother as any public restroom. I can hear the crinkle of the paper wreaths being pulled out as if it were yesterday. Not a single butt of any [...]

Something Gross I Do

Sadly, I'm proud of this monstrosity.

I just had to call my ex-wife last night. Me: Hey, I have something so awful to share that you will lose whatever remaining shred of respect you still have for me. Ex: You mean like gross? Me: Yes, I’m sitting here looking at something really gross. Ex: Well, I can’t imagine it could be worse then [...]

4 Pranks I Will NOT Be Sharing with My Daughters

VJ2011

  My younger sister and I are six years apart. I’ll never forget the first thing I thought when she was born, ‘I’m so much bigger than her!’ As we grew and she became increasingly annoying, I found myself doing some really terrible pranks, you know, just to mess with her. I have three daughters. [...]

I Don’t Whip My Hair Back and Forth

You won't touch it, right? It's a deal, right? PLEASE DON'T TOUCH IT.

Today is confessional day. Unlike certain children of rappers who rap themselves and make colorful videos about hair, I don’t like to “Whip My Hair.” The primary reason for this? I don’t like anyone touching my hair. I don’t like things in my hair (like product and hair accessories and whatnot). I don’t like to [...]

Please Don’t Chew Gum. At Least Not in Front of Me.

This picture for demonstration purposes only. I totally puked after taking this picture. Sensory issues much?

There’s something that irks me about seeing (and hearing) someone chewing like a cow. Like, out in public and stuff, chew, chew, chew. I know, I have weird hangups. I don’t want to see the inside of someone’s mouth while I’m talking to them at the bank or checking out at the grocery store. Or [...]

I Don’t Wanna Hear About Your Hemorrhoids

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Herein I present the top six products whose commercials make me want to curl up in a ball and die. I firmly believe there are certain things we just don’t need advertisements for. I don’t wanna talk about them, I don’t wanna hear about them, and I don’t want to have to explain this kind of shit to [...]

Where Adult Relationships Go To Die

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I read an article a long time ago where some starlet commented on her relationship with her husband. She said that she never lets him see her in hair rollers or without makeup; she felt it was unfair for other people to get the movie star version of her while he got the schlub. And [...]