The Horrors of Toddlery

I saw a group of children today, And this is the only thing I can say: I’m never EVER gonna have ANY. This group of parents I was watching just had WAY too many.   They’re all rude little fuckers with dirty little hands, And listen to all those shitty kid bands. They’re loud, and [...]

It’s Two Days After Christmas…A Totally Exhausted Poem

                                image credit It’s Two Days After Christmas ‘Tis two days after Christmas and all through the house Shit’s strewn everywhere and there’s wine on my blouse The kids in their snuggles tucked up in their beds While visions of flame throwers [...]

I’m BOASTING, BABY!!!!!

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So, you know how so many people post Facebook status updates the night before the first day of school? “Lunches are packed! Kids in bed! Backpacks ready! Forms filled out! Relaxing with a glass of wine and hubby!” And it’s only 8 p.m.? Some are dear friends of mine – and I hope they still [...]

The Incredible Dancing Six-Toed Woman

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It all started one morning when my husband and I were walking the dog. A woman stopped us to ask how to get to the Dali Museum. My husband gave her completely wrong directions because he was confusing his left and his right. I guess that’s what happens when you’re a genius. I wouldn’t know. [...]

Resolution Report Haiku Style

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With new found resolve I’m checking serving sizes after meals and snacks. This is serious. I’m concerned about Hubs’ weight. It’s too close to mine. More than twenty seeds from a single tangerine. I feel accomplished. When you bring the snack clearly mark it GLUTEN FREE so I don’t eat it. Searching Amazon for “_______ [...]

An Arresting Groundhog Day

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“Mrs. Beckerman?” “Yes.” “Mrs. Beckerman, I’m with the Groundhog Police.” “Oh. How can I help you officer?” “Mrs. Beckerman, we had a report of a Code-G in your backyard.” “A Code-G?” “Yes. Yelling at a Groundhog.” “Really?” “Mrs. Beckerman, your neighbors say that you were threatening a groundhog with harm if he sees his shadow.” [...]

MothMeal: It’s What’s For Breakfast

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As an ex-zookeeper, things that would make grown men jump on chairs and squeal in fear don’t phase me. What sends me into utter panic, you wonder? Moths. Fat furry flying posers. Things that fly should not be furry, except bats–which are actually flying rats. Mother Nature, fail. One of my New Year’s resolutions is [...]

11 Reasons I Blog

OH MY GAH, MOM. You are soooo not funny. *eyeroll*

I’m about to let you in on a little blogging secret. Sometimes, when bloggers are at their funniest, it is when they are experiencing their greatest pain. See, I write because it’s a great outlet. A great stress-reliever. It helps me screw my head on the proper way and get stuff done. And some of [...]

When Reading to Your Kids Goes Awry… er, Wrong

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One month before the due date of our first baby, I packed the hospital overnight bags and set them at the front door. I couldn’t zip the bags closed because they were jam packed filled with books–little cardboard readers for little bitty babies. Our plans were for the babies to hit the labor and delivery [...]

Why Women Aren’t Funny

Why Women Aren't Funny

I hear a lot of nonsense about how women aren’t funny. In fact, it’s actually a joke I often make myself. You see, I like my humor dry (and shaken, not stirred). See, when I think about spending the afternoon with Tina Fey and Amy Poehler, I think about how dull and dreary it would [...]

How He Met My Parents

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I guess what’s meant to be is meant to be, whether or not, by all outside appearances, it should have been a complete and epic failure.

Hello, My Name Is Schmutzie, and I Love Animated GIFs

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It’s a truth I’m getting used to. I watch dancing babies on lunch breaks. I laugh at puppies popping balloons with their teeth. I think fat guys that act like seals are hilarious.