Foreigner Was Right: Love is Urgent

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Even though she knows I hate Urgent Care, my daughter (let’s call her the Girl) has contracted poison oak again.  She’s swelling, she’s itching, she’s oozing.  The whole situation is downright miserable. For me.  But before your eyes roll, let me explain. I have a history of poor judgment regarding when a visit to Urgent Care [...]

Walk The Walk

Not me, but it sure could have been with those clothes.

You know how kids sometimes don’t do things when you ask them to? Yeah, I know it’s rare, but every once in a while they just seem to forget when you mentioned that the laundry needed to be put in the dryer after the buzzer went off and the dry clothes need to be folded. [...]

Calgon refuses to take me away.

I slipped away after supper thinking I might grab a relaxing soak in the tub. The first 90 seconds of my bath? Sublime. Remember those “Calgon, Take Me Away” ads from the 1970s? For a minute and a half, I was that last scene of the transformed harried housewife, at last calmly luxuriating in her [...]

I Felt Like a Kid Again

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When my husband and I started tossing around the idea of surprising our daughters with their first trip to Disneyland* during our vacation in San Diego I felt unsure and excited at the same time. I knew the holiday crowd was probably going to be a little crazy but I was almost certain that my girls would [...]

My Wife Found Her X Chromosome

Baby? Was I supposed to thaw this out first? It seems a bit rare.

I think she must have cracked up a bit while I was away this time, because when I got home, the house was clean, the dog was still alive, and she was already planning the next night’s dinner. Seriously. I know this doesn’t seem like a big deal to all of you Martha Stewart wannabes, [...]

Ceramic squirrels are a girl’s best friend.

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Did you stab anybody this past Christmas? A few women did. One lady stabbed her fiancé during an argument over the color scheme for their wedding. Another woman was so upset when her boyfriend came home without beer on Christmas that she beat and stabbed him with a ceramic squirrel. A ceramic squirrel. Now, I’ve [...]

The Timeworn Tale of the Sick Mother and the Children Who Didn’t Care.

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I spent Friday feverish, throat like a Brillo Pad, dreading the moment the kids would come home. I heard them enter, my husband shushing them with a “Mom’s sick! Let her sleep!” The door squeaked. I sensed little faces staring at me in the dimness of my shuttered bedroom, their breathing like stage whispers. My [...]

Coffee, Stat!

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OH MY LORD, are we out of coffee? Really? What time does Starbucks open? Not till 6 AM? What the #@%”&# is the matter with them? We are experiencing a caffeine crisis here, people. I cannot be held responsible for my actions if I don’t get some Arabica beans ground, and, pronto! For most of [...]

I’m BOASTING, BABY!!!!!

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So, you know how so many people post Facebook status updates the night before the first day of school? “Lunches are packed! Kids in bed! Backpacks ready! Forms filled out! Relaxing with a glass of wine and hubby!” And it’s only 8 p.m.? Some are dear friends of mine – and I hope they still [...]

Why Don’t They Make Hooters for Women?

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My husband loves to annoy me. One of his favorite ways is by suggesting the family eat dinner at Hooters. The kids (I need to point out, they are all girls) hang on his every word. But they don’t understand what Hooters is. Nor do they understand the concepts of dirty old men, negative attention, [...]

Built To Last… A Year or Two

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I’m going to drive this car into the ground. You hear people say that. But what you don’t hear people say is, I’m going to get the last rinse cycle out of this dishwasher if it’s the last thing I do. We don’t plan out our relationships with major appliances that long. We buy ‘em. [...]

Signs Your Kid Might Grow Up To Be a Super Villain

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A lot of times people show their careers at a very young age. Like you see Little Timmy behaving a certain way and you’ll say, “Oh, he’s going to grow up to be such a good policeman.” And then in a few years, you have Officer Timothy, heading up the Block Parent Association meeting at [...]