When Your New BFF Doesn’t Know She Wants To Be Your BFF Yet


So, you’ve met this mom at 5:30 a.m. CardioPump, and she’s wicked funny and laughs endearingly with her hand over her mouth when the breast-implants-bought-on-a-girls-roadtrip-to-Mexico nasty neighbor up front hits herself in the face with the hand weights. When you see that your new crush’s travel mug reads, “Yeah. I said it. So What,” you [...]

Lay the Spanx Wings Upon Me


Is there anyone that remembers girdles? My mother wore one, and watching her wrestle into it never ceased to amuse me. I’d pop some Jiffy Pop and sit on the edge of the bed, and await the All-Star Wrestler that my mother became when she’d take on the Playtex 18-Hour Cross Your Heart I Can’t [...]

The Lazy Person’s Guide to Imaginary Weight Loss


Co-authored by Kristina, frequent Aiming Low guest poster and writer of On-Blank.com My buddy Kristina and I were having a jolly good text chat. The topic of discussion turned to exercise and how we both need to do it, but generally hate it. Then we realized that we DO exercise every single day! You probably [...]

You Might Be Out of Shape If…


Deadlines, due dates, these words are the only language I understand to get things done. Left to my own devices, things get left alone. But, if my back is up against the wall, you’ll see action on my part. Knowing this about me is how I knew I could trick myself into getting in shape. [...]

Tales from the Gym


I have never been a fan of exercise and I am not much of an athlete. Yes, I played volleyball in junior high, but I could never get past the stinky knee pads. And yes, I played rugby in college but that seemed to be more about running away from people, being driven into the [...]

How to Feel More Awesome, Exercise #1

Schmutzie's belly

By the time you complete this exercise, you will feel pretty damn awesome. It’s true, or I’m actually Aretha Franklin.

Easy to Please; Hard to Impress

bored kid

My husband recently climbed Mt. Ranier in Ashford, Washington, just outside of Seattle. Considered a training ground for some of the larger mountains, it wasn’t Everest, but was quite a feat for a man who had not yet lost his sympathetic baby weight. After months of impressively creative training, including hiking with a 40-lb. three-year-old [...]

My Pantry, The Bitch


Life’s twists and turns have converted an old, reliable friend into a fading memory. Regardless of where I’ve lived, I’ve spent countless and extremely fulfilling moments inside its four, non-judgmental walls. But during those countless and fulfilling moments, I wasn’t always the 42-year-old father of five that I am today. So, sadly, things had to change.

The Feral Toddler Exercise Plan


I hate the gym. Not because I have upper arms which jiggle more than your Aunt Martha’s Mystery Easter Jello Mold, but because of women who insist on wearing a full frontal mask of make-up and designer clothes when they work out. Working out isn’t pretty time. It’s hot sweaty mess time. It’s “I have [...]

Fitness Tips for the Frazzled Mom


Finding time to work out isn’t always easy when you spend 60% of each day wiping other people’s butts and cleaning smushed peas off the ceiling. But being a mom is no reason to let your body go. You might have a cute little FUPA now, but if you don’t watch out, before long you’ll [...]

The Gym, My Butt and One Very Horrified Woman

Gym stereotypes – Let’s judge them!

I recently started working out again.  After bearing most of the brunt of a long, hard, snowy winter with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, my thighs have decided that I now must go back to the place that sends shivers of fear through my back fat.  The gym. I hate the gym.  I [...]