Every morning as I get off the train, I make a conscious effort to empty my pockets of garbage. This is a more arduous task than you would expect. It is also a critical step in me not contracting the bubonic plague. For, you see, were I not to empty my pockets regularly I would…
Tag Archive: don’t judge!
Apathy For The Devil
I don’t like to consider myself an apathetic person. I mean, who wants to be all, “What up, Bitches? I’m LAZY.” Not me. That’s who. But in the process of hosting my very first party in five years, I realized something–I’ve gotten disgustingly apathetic. The old me is shaking her head right now as the…
The Music In Me
I can’t carry a tune in a bucket. I lip-sync “Happy Birthday.” There is no music in me. Not even a flute at band camp. So when my husband and I were meeting friends at a winery near our home a few weeks ago and they were seated in front of the small stage where…
How to Beat the Mean Girl Mom Bloggers at Their Game
I’m nice and you’re nice. Okay, so that makes at least two of us. What do you do when the catty mom bloggers come to the cafeteria? Because, let’s face it, we’ve got cliques galore. We’ve got the memoir bloggers (the cool kids) and the coupon bloggers (chip on the ol’ shoulder) and the crafty…
Hey, Eyes Up Here
Do your boobs hang low? Can you swing them to and fro? Can you tie ‘em in a knot? Can you tie ‘em in a bow? Do they flip and flop and dangle, Do they wind around your ankles? Can you do the double shuffle? When your boobs hang low? At 21, a friend of…
That One Time I Thought I Had Treatment-Resistant Tuberculosis
I’m not a hypochondriac, not normally. But then I had kids and I was sure that I had a brain tumor. Turns out, it was just the kids. As I age, I’ve realized that I want to live for a long time… so now I’m paranoid that I’m going to die.
The Mombie Survival Guide
The Kid didn’t beg exactly, but she was all: “MOM! Please be a room parent.” Which is the equivalent of planning two parties and being a chaperone for her third grade trip. And as much as I want to be there, this does require me to, gasp, deal with Other Mothers. I live smack dab…
I’m Sexy and I Know It
I don’t think I’ve ever been this bummed that I don’t have that kinda junk. Except, maybe, when I’m in the car on that long road to nowhere and I gotta go. I mean, seriously, have you ever seen a package shake like that? Does he have a back problem? Because I have a set…
