We All Fake It

2013

Should Old Acquaintance be forgot, and never thought upon; The flames of Love extinguished, and fully past and gone:  Is thy sweet Heart now grown so cold, that loving Breast of thine;  That thou canst never once reflect Auld Lang Syne. CHORUS: On Auld Lang Syne my Jo, On Auld Lang Syne, That thou canst [...]

Top 5 Huffington Post Slideshows I Clicked Through in 2013 While Waiting for My Kids.

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It’s the end of the year and that means I’m going all “best of” list on your asses. The typical top 10 topics are out. I saw exactly zero movies last year. My Spotify playlists are frozen in the 1990s. I could make lists of things like “Top 10 Reasons I Yelled at My Kids [...]

Every kiss doesn’t begin with Kay.

No!

My husband proposed in front of a dog-doo sanitation unit. You know, the little stand they have in parks and on trails, with baggies and a trash can where you can stow poo? Yeah. He didn’t mean to, but when he got down on 1 knee along the trail where we had our first date, [...]

5 Reasons Why I am the Laziest Person Ever

Who us? We never piss or barf.

Sometimes I look around my house and I am astonished at just how lazy I can be. Depending on the number of times I’ve ferried children to taekwondo in a given week, I can be house-lazy to the point of “Hoarders” grossness. Here are five examples of my appalling laziness: 1.  For six months, I [...]

Coffee, Stat!

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OH MY LORD, are we out of coffee? Really? What time does Starbucks open? Not till 6 AM? What the #@%”&# is the matter with them? We are experiencing a caffeine crisis here, people. I cannot be held responsible for my actions if I don’t get some Arabica beans ground, and, pronto! For most of [...]

Back-to-School Mommy Survival Kit

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Back-to-school, that time of year when we are all running around like chickens with our heads cut off trying to search for the holy grail of school supplies, maybe we are going about this all wrong? Screw French water paints that glow in the dark in the full moon, the Marsha Brady vintage dockers for [...]

A Fork In The Grass

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The following is a conversation that really took place last week, with no embellishment on my part. Allow me to set the scene: Nicky’s baseball game. Sunny, beautiful, breezy Sunday afternoon. I was sitting next to our friend, Glen* – our boys have played baseball together for the last few years, and even though he [...]

I’m Going To Make Up My Own Word Today

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From here on in and forever, I will use any word I want to, made up in any way that fits, because I just saw it done on national television in a one on one discussion of North Korea. When recently interviewed by CNN and asked about the situation and motives behind North Korea’s leader, [...]

You Say Aphasia, I Say To-Mah-To

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I like to think I’m a hands-on parent. Somewhere between absent and hovering. In an attempt to “participate” in my children’s “upbringing,” I sometimes look over their shoulder to see what they’re watching on their various devices. Shockingly, the 16-year-old and the 14-year-old find this annoying. The 9-year-old, however, STILL LOVES ME, and willingly participates [...]

You Might Be An ADD Mom

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As usual, I was standing in the shower when I had an idea. An awful idea. A wonderful, awful idea. No, no I’m not going to steal Christmas, that’s been done. I was thinking of how you know when you’re an ADD Mom and wife. I think I qualify (I’ve been diagnosed and everything!) So [...]

What Happens After the Happily Ever After

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The movie is over, the couple walks away in the sunset hand in hand. You put down the crumpled up wet tissues that you were using to wipe away the happy tears. You walk away feeling good, love is grand! We’ve all watched these movies, read those books. I know I have. But, have you [...]

The Accidental Seder (Phlegm Isn’t a Plague?)

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A few years ago, I told my friend, Mitch that I’d never seen the movie, The Ten Commandments. Correctly deducing that this meant I was a horrible Jew and had not actively been passing on critical knowledge (not to mention that great movie) to my children, he launched into an interrogation, asking, “Does Emma know [...]