Getting Served By the Mopey Dicks At Starbucks


Midday prostration begins to rear its ugly downturned head many miles and hours to go until I am reunited with my beloved single cup home brew.  On a particularly trying day befitting the choice of a comforting cup of something that will strain my wallet, if not my sensibilities, the local donut shop is passed [...]

Coffee, Stat!

Underway Back Cover Elise Seyfried Photo New

OH MY LORD, are we out of coffee? Really? What time does Starbucks open? Not till 6 AM? What the #@%”&# is the matter with them? We are experiencing a caffeine crisis here, people. I cannot be held responsible for my actions if I don’t get some Arabica beans ground, and, pronto! For most of [...]

When Your New BFF Doesn’t Know She Wants To Be Your BFF Yet


So, you’ve met this mom at 5:30 a.m. CardioPump, and she’s wicked funny and laughs endearingly with her hand over her mouth when the breast-implants-bought-on-a-girls-roadtrip-to-Mexico nasty neighbor up front hits herself in the face with the hand weights. When you see that your new crush’s travel mug reads, “Yeah. I said it. So What,” you [...]

Virginia Woolf-Inspired Online Shopping


In 1929, Virginia Woolf published “A Room of One’s Own” to raise the point that in order for a women to be able to write fiction she needs both money and space. Oh Virginia. It’s 80-odd years later and I have neither. Just tonight I set aside a short story I’m working on to meet [...]

Unintentional Coffee Addiction


I know that most people start their habits early on in life, and I’m no different, really. I started smoking when I was around twelve, drinking by fourteen, and weed by fourteen and a quarter. I guess I started fighting when I was maybe seven, and gambling at 15. Sex was between twelve and thirteen, [...]

Food for Thought


Quinn starts most mornings with 2 bananas. Starts. She’s 19 months old. It sounds excessive because it is. I understand that as the adult in these transactions, I should impact and change this ritual of gluttony. But you see, I can’t. She demands, “‘NANA’! More NANA!!” with an increasing hostility that makes me dread her entry [...]

Tales of Misfortune on the Road to Mediocrity


My car is magic. Or cursed. Or there could be a completely rational explanation. Here’s what’s happening: my iPod is hooked up to my car through an FM Transmitter–a fundamental piece of technology for anyone whose car was built before 2003. It works fine–exceptionally in fact–until I reach for my coffee mug. The moment I [...]

Coffee, Tea or Me?

It's like Goldilocks and the three bears. One is too small, one to large and one just...Oh, who am I kidding. THE BIG ONE!  PICK THE BIG ONE!

I’ll be the first to admit it: I have a major caffeine addiction, just like the rest of the country. But caffeine doesn’t keep me awake. It calms me down. Wanna know why? There are studies that show how stimulants have a calming, soothing effect on ADHD brains. Which is why stimulants work on ADHD [...]

Feeling Like Robert Downey Jr’s Father

2692387420_4051bc6e05_t angry man

I watch the morning scene unfold, my eyes filling with tears as I hang my head guiltily. The children and I stand together, unified in our love for their father, as he turns the  kitchen upside down, slamming cabinet doors, whipping through shelves, tossing contents aside as he searches for any amount of it. Mom. [...]

How to Extend Your Love for Coffee Creamer

I love coffee creamer

Some of us fall in love with a product, say a specific flavor of coffee creamer, and limit the scope of our love affair to just the inner regions of our ceramic coffee mug. Coffee is for creamer and that used to be good enough for me. Honestly. But then I met the flavor profile [...]

Losing My Caffeine Virginity


As usual, I was a latecomer to the party. My parents were not coffee drinkers; my Mom drank tea on occasion and my Dad? “Tab” man, all the way. And although that Tab bottle seemed to be eternally adhered to my father’s hand, we were never allowed to sample its caramel-colored gloriousness for fear that [...]

Who’s Guiltier, Men or Women?


Guilt – is it primarily a woman’s prerogative? My wise friend M. said “being a woman means feeling guilty about everything you do for the rest of your life.” My equally wise friend T. said “Mom guilt, mom guilt…where the pickle is all the Dad guilt!?” (She didn’t say pickle.) Is it true? Do women [...]