Early Retirement?

If you have to get old, you might as well do it with pizzazz.

Winter seems to be going on forever around here. The dog is dragging his wiener every time he goes out for a pee, and I seem to be shoveling more of the salty slush that the plow keeps throwing in the driveway. It’s a constant barrage of melancholia and it’s really taking it’s toll on [...]

Our Beautiful Differences

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A few weeks ago I went with my husband and my two young daughters to watch Disney’s latest animated feature film Frozen. I had no idea what the movie was supposed to be about. All I remembered from the trailer I saw was that there was a lot of snow, a snowman, and a reindeer [...]

“Your wife is a sasquatch, isn’t she, Gus?”

Goonie Goo Goo

To: Tricia@emailaddy.com From: YourHairStylist@emailaddy.com You have an appointment for a haircut and wax on Thursday at 10:30 am. Please respond to this email regarding your intention to attend this appointment. ———— To: MyHairStylist@emailaddy.com From: Tricia@emailaddy.com Goonie Goo Goo.   Every five weeks, this is the interaction I have with my hairstylist’s email appointment confirmation service. [...]

MU Teen: Vagina Confidence-The Next State of Liberation

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Women’s liberation is a major turning point in a modern civilization. Here in Ireland, it was just a gaggle of citywomen shouting “12 kids in 12 years is NOT what God intended!” or “Those pills were for something else!” at border guards, but thanks to its slow but steady pace, we now live in a [...]

To: God, Re: Anne Hathaway

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To: God.Almighty@heaven.com CC: Buddha@nliten.com, Shiva@rencarn8.com BCC: Mephistopheles@newscorp.com,  Mel.Gibson@hell.com Subject:  Oversight in creation – please make me Anne Hathaway Hi, God, I know you are fairly booked up, but I wanted to see if we could find some time on our schedules to discuss a rather large oversight on your part. I don’t want to point [...]

Lashing Out

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I don’t mean to brag, but I think I can confidently say that I have perfected the role of a perpetual “Before” picture when it comes to day-to-day beauty. I just have no interest, and we’re past the point of no return. But I do wear a little foundation and a coat of mascara, which [...]

MU Teen: Realizing You Are Beautiful

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Self-esteem is something that I have struggled with all of my life. To be honest, what girl has not struggled with her body image and how she dresses in this pop culture age? The media drives what we think about our bodies and how we react to other girls. I have always thought of myself [...]

5 Songs You Should Sing To Yourself Daily

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Music is magic. It can put into words exactly what you are feeling even if you can’t. It’s a powerful force; the right song can get your self-esteem on track no matter how you’re feeling. These are my five picks for songs you should buy, memorize and sing to yourself in the mirror on a [...]

My Unhealthy Relationship With Self-Tanner

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My grandmother on my mother’s side was Puerto Rican and my grandmother on my father’s side was Native American who grew up on a reservation in Montana. Yet, every summer I find myself in the self tanning aisle trying to decide between brands to give my pale skin a little hi-pro glow. Like ordering margaritas [...]

The Unfortunate Location of My Most Attractive Feature

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I never really knew what my most attractive physical feature was, until this year. For the past year I have seen five different doctors about a benign hormone imbalance caused my breastfeeding. Each one has obliged me with a cervical exam.I have never received more compliments on one part of my body in my life! Doctor [...]

Do Everything You Want and Still Gain Weight!

I love cupcakes.

There is no perfect size!! I scoff at patriarchal bullshit that insinuates as much!! But, like, OMG, I am soooo fat. I continue to be fabulous, beautiful and a force to be reckoned with. Nonetheless, I’m a big, fat force to reckoned with. I won’t bore you with why I’m fatter now than ever before, [...]

Old, And Fat, And Touchy

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We don’t have a scale in our house. We never have. I tell my husband that as long as we can still zip our zippers and button our buttons, it’s all good. You don’t have to see what you weigh every day. Out of sight is out of mind. Well, that way of weighing-in may [...]