One tends to forget a lot in life when it comes to reproducing; childbirth and labour pains, stitches in delicate places and medieval midwives are instantly forgotten once you’ve left the hospital. Those first few weeks and months of your small child’s life also, it seems, vanish into the black hole of memories once they’ve [...]
If you’re anything like me, you’re sick to death of hearing about vampires. Whether they sparkle in the sunlight or keep diaries, you’re sick of them. So sick that you’ve found yourself staying up late fashioning wooden stakes on which to impale yourself so you can escape this vampire-obsessed culture. Recently though, I paused to [...]
Children are people too. Stubborn, bizarre and obtuse little people, whose actions and activities make the strangest things come out of your mouth. Here are just a few of the extraordinary things my boys have caused me to say throughout their hyperactive little lives: Please don’t step on the baby. Please stop smelling my pants.
When you have a new baby in the house, crying becomes the wallpaper of your life. Crying is the background music that infiltrates all your experiences, good or bad. It simply must be known that babies and crying are like Ernie and Bert. They are a pair. Bosom buddies. Chums. Cronies. Roommates. Soulmates even. They [...]
So after all of that hand-wringing about vaginal prolapse and hemorrhoids and surreptitious pregnancy farting, I finally had my baby! And so far neither my butt* nor my ladyparts have fallen out of place. *Unless you count my butt cheeks, which are now the consistency of room-temperature flan and seem to be making a mad [...]
When I was nine I became curious about the birds and bees. Little did I suspect it involved making a baby, a thing I had no curiosity about whatsoever. It just seemed something that old people said when they wanted to be smarter than you. “He doesn’t know about the birds and bees.” “Ah, well [...]
Recently the toddler, my husband and I were gathered in the toddler’s bed having a pre-sleep chat. As you do. Without warning the newly minted two year old, who had been calmly snuggled against me, shoved his hand down my shirt and began to caress my chest. “I like the booboos,” he explained to me.
Let me start by saying I generally shy away from didactic lists of what to do and not to do online. I hate reading “helpful,” condescending missives about Twitter etiquette (“Don’t complain! I will unfollow you faster that you can type #firstworldproblems!”) and how to get more blog traffic (“Just write every single day, come [...]
Before the birth of my son, my dog lived the life. He was a highly pedigreed purse dog who was always toted around at petting and adoring level in the designer bag tossed over my shoulder, and he attended only the most fabulous parties. Since the arrival of The Monkey, my dog’s life has changed [...]
I’ve had ten months to ponder why my third child, my cherubic faced little girl, my last child is such an asshole. Gasp, how could I say that? How could I call my adorable, chubby, babes such a name? Desperation perhaps? Exhaustion? Yes, indeed. My youngest has successfully wreaked havoc on my sleep for so [...]
HP’s Photo Creation software makes it possible for even lazy idiots to create beautiful photo books.
So wow. Here we are. At the very beginning of my first ever post for Aiming Low. I suppose a brief introduction is in order. My name is John Cave Osborne, but the Aiming Low crew has decided to call me Nutsack Rogers. More on that in a bit. For now, all you really need [...]
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