1. The perky boobs I paid for. I mean, really! I nursed for almost 16 months (in your face, people who told me I couldn’t do it!). Now my nipples look a little sad, it’s like they’re looking down in shame now that they don’t have a job. We’ve looked in the classified ads but…
Tag Archive: Babies
My Super Secret New Year’s Diet
I ended 2011 lighter than I started it, and since I’m feeling especially benevolent after a week spent sobbing over the end credits of “It’s A Wonderful Life” and eating Rolos like I’m re-enacting that scene from “I Love Lucy” when Lucy and Ethel work the chocolate factory assembly line, I’ve decided to share with…
Breast is Best, Except for When it’s Not
Breastfeeding rocks. I am all for boobies and babies. It was by far one of the most connected experiences I have ever shared with another human being. Looking down into the eyes of your precious little one’s face and seeing the look of complete dependence for sustenance is amazing if extremely overwhelming. Sure, I’ve been…
Pregnancy. Sh*t Happens.
Pregnancy is full of the unexpected. Surprise, I conceived while still in the “planing to plan” stage. There was no pressure, just sexing it up and having a good time. When I found out that I was pregnant, I was ecstatic. I could finally eat and exhale. Surprise, carbs are my best friend.
15 Things You’ve Forgotten About Having a Newborn
One tends to forget a lot in life when it comes to reproducing; childbirth and labour pains, stitches in delicate places and medieval midwives are instantly forgotten once you’ve left the hospital. Those first few weeks and months of your small child’s life also, it seems, vanish into the black hole of memories once they’ve…
Vampires Make the Best Fathers
If you’re anything like me, you’re sick to death of hearing about vampires. Whether they sparkle in the sunlight or keep diaries, you’re sick of them. So sick that you’ve found yourself staying up late fashioning wooden stakes on which to impale yourself so you can escape this vampire-obsessed culture. Recently though, I paused to…
13 Things You Never Thought You’d Have to Say to Your Children
Children are people too. Stubborn, bizarre and obtuse little people, whose actions and activities make the strangest things come out of your mouth. Here are just a few of the extraordinary things my boys have caused me to say throughout their hyperactive little lives: Please don’t step on the baby. Please stop smelling my pants.
The Crying Game
When you have a new baby in the house, crying becomes the wallpaper of your life. Crying is the background music that infiltrates all your experiences, good or bad. It simply must be known that babies and crying are like Ernie and Bert. They are a pair. Bosom buddies. Chums. Cronies. Roommates. Soulmates even. They…
