The Mommy Diet

Gleason's baby

Being a mom is busy work. Who knew it could help your weight loss plan? Check out a typical day’s meal plan on the Mommy Diet: 8:00 AM – Three Cheerios, partially digested by the saliva on the tiny hand that shoved them into your mouth as you tried to feed Cutest Baby Ever his [...]

An Open Letter To Taylor Swift

taylorswift

Dear Taylor Swift, Hi. I’m just going to come out and say it. I love you. I love your music. I love your style. And I don’t care what anyone else thinks. I think you’re awesome. This 31-year-old stay-at-home mom can’t help but sing along to your catchy tunes while my girls dance around the [...]

10 Reasons Why I Think My Preschooler is in the CIA

Aiming Low Guest Writer December 2012

Dear parents of preschoolers, I’ve been dealing with this myself, but now I must share my concerns: I believe my daughter’s preschool is a top secret early CIA program. Think about it: they are in school for at least 5 hours a day! But what do you really know about what they are doing? They [...]

The Color Purple

alfam

My daughter has a passion for the color purple. If an article of clothing doesn’t have some shade of purple in it, forget about it. She shakes her little head, tendrils of curls flying around, and says, “No, mommy. I want the purple shirt … purple pants … purple socks … purple backpack … purple [...]

Dining Out with a Toddler

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Pre-baby, my husband and I swore that we wouldn’t turn into one of those couples who vanishes when they have a child, who doesn’t do anything adult and fun anymore. “We’ll still travel! And eat out!” we declared to our friends – most of whom justifiably rolled their eyes at us. Post-baby, we were determined [...]

5 Things on Facebook Worse Than Pictures of Babies

Oh, is my laptop camera on? I was just reaching for my Diet Coke when my arm hit the button and fate captured my impossibly soulful stare in a totally unposed moment.

It all started with a status update. There I was, trolling my news feed for ways to avoid doing actual work or taking a shower in the approximately ten minutes per day my one year-old allots for my personal grooming needs while he restlessly tears up a roll of toilet paper, when I stumbled across [...]

When Reading to Your Kids Goes Awry… er, Wrong

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One month before the due date of our first baby, I packed the hospital overnight bags and set them at the front door. I couldn’t zip the bags closed because they were jam packed filled with books–little cardboard readers for little bitty babies. Our plans were for the babies to hit the labor and delivery [...]

Breastfeeding For Bros

moobs

I was driving along the other day singing Carly Rae Jepsen at the top of my lungs when the damn DJ broke in with “breaking” news. I’ll admit that I had absolutely no desire to hear what he had to say, as he had just cut me off mid “Call Me Maybe”–bastard. Then I heard [...]

Breast Pumps Instead of Fist Pumps

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I remember exactly where I was when I heard Princess Diana had been killed and when Kurt Cobain had been found dead. Snooki having her baby? Yes, I will always remember this moment. Along the way there have been hiccups, like Snooki walking with an empty stroller filled with beer and the whole tweet heard [...]

Time Out After Time

pediatricianoffice

Remember the good old days of time-outs? When my girls were ages one to three, time out worked like a charm. You know the rule, one minute for every age of life. Then they turned four and said “Fuck you mom, I can do this all day long.” NOT the best day of my life. I [...]

Unattended Children Will Expose Your Thong at Church (and Other Cautionary Tales)

unattendedchildren

If you’ve got ankle biters, you can understand the dilemma that every mother faces: trust that your children are not completely without sense and can stand quietly by your side while out in public or put on blinders and ignore the rest of the world for the next 18 years. I like to trust in [...]

The Devolution of Parental Standards

Basically vitamins.

I remember last summer, when I was pregnant and thought I knew everything about parenting already (HA. Hahahaha. Oh, man. If I still had abs, they’d be hurting from laughter.) Yes, first time soon-to-be parents are like teenagers, thinking they have it all figured out. I would say things to dinner companions like, “I read [...]