So, this is my version of how it went down.

Picture this:  We’re in a crowded bathroom full of Blissdom ladies waiting to relieve themselves.

We’re at the sinks while Anissa has her head thrown back so she can put her eye drops in. I say to her, “it looks like you’re crying.” And she says in a loud voice…

Her: “I can’t believe you did this to me!”

Me: “What the HELL are you doing?”

Her:  ”Why do you hate Canadians?”

Me: “OH MY GAWD. SHUT UP!”

Her: “How can you hate Michael J. Fox? He has PARKINSONS!”

Me: “SHUT UP, YOU JERK!”

Her: laughing that sounds like she’s sobbing

Me: attempting to hide behind her chair & not hyperventilate because I’m laughing so hard.

I stare at her in disbelief. Lots of women stare at me in disbelief. It looked like I was abusing this poor asian chick in a wheelchair.

It made it worse that Anissa was carrying on & on because I just kept laughing & laughing & telling her to shut up.

She was laughing too but her laugh sounds like a mixture of laughing & sobbing.

What I wouldn’t give to know what was going through the heads of some of those women who watched it all go down.

Some had a knowing grin. Some looked absolutely wide eyed & petrified.

I could not believe I had just gotten punk’d by Anissa Mayhew.

Now I don’t feel bad for all those times I almost dumped her out of her chair or those times I pushed her into ferns.

In fact, next time I get to be her “pusher” I’m going to run her into every g-dang potted plant I see.

It gives new meaning to the term “facepalm.”

Wanna know some juicy gossip about Anissa? (You learn a lot when you spend so much time with one person).

Anissa talks in her sleep. I had the privilege of sleeping in the same bed & one night I woke up to her saying, “Oh, Mister Rogers. You are a dirty man. Take that silly cardigan & those orthopedic shoes off, baby.” Can you believe she said that?!

Another day she tried to talk me into streaking Scott Stratten’s ending keynote speech thingy with her while she yelled, “Unmarket THIS, bitches!” I told her that was completely inappropriate & tasteless. I had to put the brakes on her wheelchair so she couldn’t get out the door butt naked. You can’t take her anywhere.

For the record, she has fantastic breasts. Those things were not effected by the strokes. She should be a boob model.

Another funny tidbit about Anissa? She has weird habits.

For example, sometimes when her butt itches, she’ll scratch it with a wire coat hanger. She says it feels good. There’s stinky, mangled coat hangers laying around her whole house.

And for stress relief, she enjoys running over small animals in the driveway with her wheelchair. Sometimes she’s not quick enough to catch the squirrels so she’ll just shoot them with an AK-47 first & then proceed to roll over them. Can you believe that?!

Here’s another little known fact: she hates people from Trinidad. I think it’s  mostly because they brought the song “Who Let The Dogs Out?” into the world. Which is fully understandable, actually.

Like I said, Anissa’s an asshole. A large breasted, racist, butt scratchin’ asshole.

(please don’t fire me again).

]]> http://aiminglow.com/2011/02/anissas-ahole/feed/ 26 http://aiminglow.com/2011/01/old-bag/ http://aiminglow.com/2011/01/old-bag/#comments Wed, 05 Jan 2011 14:00:35 +0000 Kim Trimble http://aiminglow.com/?p=11456 And no, I’m not talking about me. I know you went there. I would have.

Anyhoo……

Recently my mother gave me something that has been languishing in my late father’s closet for several years.

This bag ….

It’s an Orvis bag, one I believe was made for hunters. It has my dad’s initials, the Orvis logo, and the logo of his company, Marathon Letourneau. My daddy got this from some of the engineers at the shipyard upon the completion of one of the oil rigs he helped design back in the 1980′s. I remember him carrying it on some of his hunting trips, on the boat, and even as a makeshift briefcase some days. It’s made of canvas and leather and is a fine and sturdy piece of my father’s life that I treasure.

I’ve been looking for a bag that would carry both my iPad and my MB Air, my camera, phone, etc, along with all of the cords and doodads you tote along with electronic equipment. Along with lip gloss, liquid band-aids, a hairbrush, house keys, and condoms and extra booze money stashed in a hidden pocket. What can I say: I like to be prepared.

So I cleaned the inside of the bag, finding my dad’s Texas hunting license from 1992 and other assorted paperwork, and then I washed it and let it sit out on a rack to dry. I made sure all of the pockets were clean and empty, even turning it inside out to make sure I had gotten all of the grit out of it. Once it was dry I decided to rub some saddle soap into the leather to try and soften it up, especially since I was planning on using it later this week during my trip to California.

As I was taking it from the laundry room, I tripped, causing the bag to fly out of my hand and smack against the wall.

And these fell out….

Yes. They did. BULLETS. Freshly washed, dried and clean BULLETS FOR A RIFLE. In a bag that I was about to take through airport security. To California. Whilst accompanying Anissa Mayhew, the owner of this here site. Who I’m pretty darn sure wouldn’t be thrilled to be wearing prison stripes and/or the orange sacks they make you wear in the photos y’all would have seen all over the news. Even though I know she would look awesome in them. But I know you’re wondering what I would look like in them.

Pffft, like we’d find out. She’d kill me before the TSA could blink.

Ninjas are scary like that. And so is their dark mistress.

Well.

We aren’t mean people.

Well.

Children don’t run and cry when we come down the street.

Usually.

We have learned to be nicer people.  It means no hissing at strangers (which is a lot). It means no flailing about when Girl Scouts come to the door.

We’re talking REALLY nice.

Then our cat went into heat.

O.M.G.

Forget the nice, the cat is lucky we didn’t staple it to the garage wall.

See, we got one cat fixed just before I got really sick, but we never had time for the other.  Which is the cat that we were going to have to stick down a garbage disposal.

It cries and meows all day and all night…and it rolls around like Madonna with poison ivy panties.

We already called her “stupid kitty”, and now we call her “slutty kitty”.

So, wisely, my husband told the kids that the cat was “in heat”.

Later that night, with all the slutty rubbing and meowing and singing of Pussycat Dolls songs, my eight-year-old came over, very distressed.

“Something is wrong with Kitty,” she said, most upset.

“i know,” I answered, plotting Kitty’s untimely demise.

“I think we should put her in the freezer for a few minutes.”

“Huh?”

“Daddy said Kitty was OVER-HEATED,” she explained.

I am definitely going to let Daddy figure out that one.

I had to explain the donkeys.

For three months Anissa has continued to defy the odds with her awe-inspiring strength and will. This is especially meaningful when you consider that the doctors weren’t sure Anissa would even survive in those first few critical days.

As I knew she would, Anissa is making amazing progress that I was lucky enough to witness with my own eyes a couple weeks ago—there is so much she can do now—but the road ahead of her is still a long and bumpy one that will require continued outpatient therapy that is only partially covered by insurance.

When Anissa first had her stroke, we asked for your help and you answered the call in droves. Your generosity and compassion were staggering and helped her family in ways too numerous to count.

Well, we’re asking again because Anissa means the world to us and we want her well again. She went home yesterday for good (YAY!!) but she NEEDS to have outpatient therapy so she can begin to rebuild her life. And it’s expensive—like $100 PER DAY expensive—that’s the part that isn’t covered by her insurance.

If every person who reads this would donate just $5 or $10, you would be doing so much to help someone who has done so much for so many.

The button below takes you to the Paypal donation page we set up for Anissa three months ago.  Please help if you can. To those who have already donated, thank you :)

•••

As you may have heard, Anissa, our beloved friend and leader here at Aiming Low, suffered a massive stroke on Tuesday afternoon. She is in the hospital right now, in the ICU.

More than anything, Anissa needs your prayers and positive thoughts but to the many people who have offered help to the Mayhew family, here is some info on what you can do:

Things that would be helpful right now are gift cards (AMEX and Visa are most flexible) or gift cards to restaurants and gift cards to the movies or to Blockbuster (to help keep the kids’ occupied).  If you would like to give a restaurant gift card, the following restaurants are local to them: Chick Fil A, Beef O’Brady’s, Hooter’s, Applebee’s, Moe’s, Ruby Tuesday, Red Lobster, Cracker Barrel, Panera Bread, Sonny’s, Burger King, Zaxby’s, McDonald’s, Subway.

A P.O. Box has been set up to receive any items you wish to send, the address can be found below. Please don’t send anything to the hospital or the Mayhew home. If you have questions, please email helpforanissa@gmail.com

We ask that you please respect the Mayhew family’s privacy by NOT calling the hospital and we thank you all SO MUCH for your outpouring of love and support for Anissa and her family. With thanks and love, The Aiming Low Team

If you would like to send something to Anissa and her family, we have set up a P.O. Box:

The Mayhew Family
860 Johnson Ferry Road 140-184
Atlanta, GA 30342

Please consider making a donation to the Mayhew Family to help with costs.

(Copy the code below, if you’d like to post this button on your own site)

<a href="https://www.paypal.com/cgi-bin/webscr?cmd=_donations&business=KVP22JXHK22EE&lc=US&item_name=Help%20For%20Anissa%20Mayhew&currency_code=USD&bn=PP%2dDonationsBF%3a4114683939_c28d0ed5bb_o%2ejpg%3aNonHosted">
<img src="http://bit.ly/3wQ3Ke" border="0"/></a>

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Have you written a post about Anissa? Please use Mr. Linky to link your post below! Please leave your messages and comments on the Caring Bridge site. Thank you!

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11/19/09 10:00 am UPDATE FROM ANISSA’S HUSBAND:

Well. I went home and stayed with the kids. Her sister and friend stayed with her. Apparently she had lots of eye movement this am. Encouraging. More scans this am.

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11/18/09 5:32 pm UPDATE FROM ANISSA’S HUSBAND:

Neurosurgeon just stopped in. We talked about the second bleed. I mentioned in the past 30 minutes her movement had picked up: – she was searching natalie’s hand for a ring we think – she was moving her left leg and arm more deliberately – she was having some facial expressions So, the doctor rubbed her sternum and said her name loud. She tried to open her eyes! Did it again, and the eyes opened wider. She keeps trying to reach the tubes and such. Very encouraging! KEEP PRAYING PLEASE!

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11/18/09 UPDATE 4:37 PM FROM ANISSA’S HUSBAND:

Not much change. Second bleed was not good. I brought the kids up. She responded slightly, then a lot of movement 20 minutes after they left. She’s fighting and has reached for me. Hard to say the reason, but she stops when contact is made. Feeding tube is in.

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11/18/09 1:37 pm Eastern UPDATE FROM ANISSA’S HUSBAND:

She’s had more bleeding in the left thalamus. She has bled into the spinal fluid. Also has more swelling and has become less responsive.

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11/18/09 12 pm Eastern UPDATE FROM ANISSA’S HUSBAND:

What we know is she had a massive stroke. She bled into the brainstem and pons areas of the brain. She is no longer sedated but still unconcious and unresponsive. Vitals are mostly stable except for a lowgrade fever most likely due to the damage to the pons. The pons control the bodies ability to regulate temperature. She is still on a vent and it is unclear if she is capable of breathing on her own. She has had an mri/mra/ct today. An eeg is pending. We’re in a waiting game now for survival first, and ultimately for her to wake up.