Norovirus, exciting and new.

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It’s time. To the cast of “The Love Boat,” I’m looking at you. It’s time to get the gang back together for made-for-teevee movie magic. You’re the only ones who can save us, the only life raft that can keep us afloat in the choppy waters of good cruises gone bad. Clearly, I’m talking about [...]

How We Know Those Dear Abby Letters Are Fake

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Some are pretty bad, Dear Abby. And still you hope that we believe them. Dear Abby, I’m talking about your letters. You can’t think you’re pulling one over on us, that these pleas come from real people seeking real advice? Letters from teens that use words like ‘affront’ and ‘unbeknownst.’ Dear Actual Abby: Where are the real letters. [...]

Gird your loins: V-Day is coming!

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Valentine’s Day is coming up faster than you’d like to believe. Although I have a general distaste for Hallmark holidays, I’m gonna tell it to you straight: if you’re in any kind of relationship, you need to know what the explicit expectations are for this holiday of lurve. At my house, I make meatloaf. No [...]

Ceramic squirrels are a girl’s best friend.

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Did you stab anybody this past Christmas? A few women did. One lady stabbed her fiancé during an argument over the color scheme for their wedding. Another woman was so upset when her boyfriend came home without beer on Christmas that she beat and stabbed him with a ceramic squirrel. A ceramic squirrel. Now, I’ve [...]

Every kiss doesn’t begin with Kay.

No!

My husband proposed in front of a dog-doo sanitation unit. You know, the little stand they have in parks and on trails, with baggies and a trash can where you can stow poo? Yeah. He didn’t mean to, but when he got down on 1 knee along the trail where we had our first date, [...]

Coffee, Stat!

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OH MY LORD, are we out of coffee? Really? What time does Starbucks open? Not till 6 AM? What the #@%”&# is the matter with them? We are experiencing a caffeine crisis here, people. I cannot be held responsible for my actions if I don’t get some Arabica beans ground, and, pronto! For most of [...]

I’m BOASTING, BABY!!!!!

aliza

So, you know how so many people post Facebook status updates the night before the first day of school? “Lunches are packed! Kids in bed! Backpacks ready! Forms filled out! Relaxing with a glass of wine and hubby!” And it’s only 8 p.m.? Some are dear friends of mine – and I hope they still [...]

Back-to-School Mommy Survival Kit

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Back-to-school, that time of year when we are all running around like chickens with our heads cut off trying to search for the holy grail of school supplies, maybe we are going about this all wrong? Screw French water paints that glow in the dark in the full moon, the Marsha Brady vintage dockers for [...]

Signs Your Kid Might Grow Up To Be a Super Villain

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A lot of times people show their careers at a very young age. Like you see Little Timmy behaving a certain way and you’ll say, “Oh, he’s going to grow up to be such a good policeman.” And then in a few years, you have Officer Timothy, heading up the Block Parent Association meeting at [...]

Lay versus Lie Gives Woman Freakin’ Heart Attack

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Chickens lay eggs, people lie down. But then what about “Now I lay me down to sleep…?” Never mind,  read this: “Every afternoon we lay down and rest for an hour,” laying is okay here because it’s in the past. But are we chickens now? Stop thinking. Here’s more: the past participle of the verb [...]

Do as I say, not as I did

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I’m the first one to admit I don’t know much. But I have learned a couple of stupidly unrelated tips the hard way. Just promise me you’ll file them away until you’re in a similar situation and I promise you’ll have a much nicer time. Trust me. 1. Wear gloves when you handle peppers. Of [...]

A Fork In The Grass

alizas fork in the grass post

The following is a conversation that really took place last week, with no embellishment on my part. Allow me to set the scene: Nicky’s baseball game. Sunny, beautiful, breezy Sunday afternoon. I was sitting next to our friend, Glen* – our boys have played baseball together for the last few years, and even though he [...]