Before the birth of my son, my dog lived the life. He was a highly pedigreed purse dog who was always toted around at petting and adoring level in the designer bag tossed over my shoulder, and he attended only the most fabulous parties. Since the arrival of The Monkey, my dog’s life has changed…
Valentine’s Day is just around the corner and there are tons of adorable, glitter-y, do-it-you… [more]
Taking care of sick toddlers is a pain, but it helped me figure out how the universe works.… [more]
You may have been asking yourself “What exactly IS a roundtable and how is this different from… [more]
Channeling Dolly Parton
Take me home, country road. When life makes you feel chugged full and good times have been as sparse as a hen’s teeth, sometimes what you need to do is get grounded. Calm yourself in a characteristically scrappy country American way. You need hearth, home, a honky tonk full of opportunity, and a big ol’…
City Gal In Training
Let us now begin relating the first of many adventures of a woman who originally hailed from a sandy beach town where beads on your flip flops were considered “dressy” and who then lived for eleven years in a Stepfordish suburb of Orlando where they send you letters if your mailbox pole isn’t placed in…
The New Kid and Nunchucks
Oh, hi. I’m new here. New to the Aiming Low team, not like, new to the country or anything. If anyone asks. I’m being properly hazed by my fellow Aiming Low-ers. They froze all of my underwear in one of the meat freezers at Costco. They’re all currently thawing out unceremoniously on my driveway. I…
How to Raise a Vegetarian
My daughter loves animals. Loves them. If it was up to her, she’d trade me in for a cat and a dog. Her love of animals has always made her uncomfortable with the idea of hunting. It has not, however, ever interfered with her love of meat. When she was four she told me that…
Fall TV Starts Tonight: Let’s Watch Together
Last night was technically the first night of new programing for fall television. One new show aired: “Ringer” on the CW. Did you watch it? (Sarah Michelle Gellar played twins in a sci-fi show and she and her double will kick you in the shins if you call her Buffy. So don’t.) Kind of a tap at…
One Man’s Failed Attempt to Wear a Vagina
We were leaving the house and my two year old son announced to me, “I got my murse, Daddy. Where’s your murse, Daddy? You not wearing your murse today, Daddy?” I wasn’t wearing my murse that day because I had given up on the murse after about a month of murse experimentation. I had inspired…
Infant vs. Toddlers
Now that surprise child number five (a.k.a Grand Finale) is on the scene, our house has become quite an interesting place (read: remarkably effective means of birth control). Because when you add up three toddlers and one infant what you get is… well, I’m not really sure what you get. But whatever it is, it’s…
Commando Baby
I’ve had ten months to ponder why my third child, my cherubic faced little girl, my last child is such an asshole. Gasp, how could I say that? How could I call my adorable, chubby, babes such a name? Desperation perhaps? Exhaustion? Yes, indeed. My youngest has successfully wreaked havoc on my sleep for so…
Welcome to the Nudist Colony: Pants Optional
When I was thirteen, my sister Nina lived in a nudist colony. She was eight years older than me and must have been in college at the time. I remember my mom planning a family visit to Nina’s that involved numerous secretive phone calls in hushed tones and whispers. Somehow, through various undercover efforts and…
