I Almost Wrecked A Police Car


It’s totally true. When I got out of the army I worked at one of those car washes that pulls your car through on a roller while it’s in neutral. It was in the back part of a gas bar and mechanic shop. Sometimes, when it wasn’t overly busy, my bosses would get me to [...]

The Best Way to Destroy Someone Emotionally

Bike Chick

I was riding to work today as I always do at 8am. I must have been close to the bike lane divider line because some asshole in the full loser bike gear yelled at me as he’s passing me. “Move to the LEFT!!!! Jesus!!!” Look, skinny weirdo bike dick – there’s six feet on either [...]

Do as I say, not as I did


I’m the first one to admit I don’t know much. But I have learned a couple of stupidly unrelated tips the hard way. Just promise me you’ll file them away until you’re in a similar situation and I promise you’ll have a much nicer time. Trust me. 1. Wear gloves when you handle peppers. Of [...]

How much would you donate to meet someone??


I’m sure that you have played that game where people ask you “if you could have dinner with ONE person, who would it be?” Shortly thereafter – at least in times that I’ve been involved with that question – the answers start coming out.   Jesus. Martin Luther King Jr. Abraham Lincoln. The President. Betty [...]

You Say Aphasia, I Say To-Mah-To


I like to think I’m a hands-on parent. Somewhere between absent and hovering. In an attempt to “participate” in my children’s “upbringing,” I sometimes look over their shoulder to see what they’re watching on their various devices. Shockingly, the 16-year-old and the 14-year-old find this annoying. The 9-year-old, however, STILL LOVES ME, and willingly participates [...]

7 Bad Date Stories


We’ve all had one, right? A bad date. Some of us you might have had more than one…say 3 or more. The cop who asked me to let him try out his handcuffs on me on our first date? Yeah, that was sort of creepy. 1. I will claim one (maybe more) of these 7 [...]

Moving In


The great thing about buying a house is finally living in it. The actual act of moving isn’t so great. There are too many boxes and too much heavy lifting. You have to organize, pack, and clean. Then you have to clean and unpack and organize some more. If I were Martha Stewart maybe I’d [...]

What’s My Super Power? Sticking My Butt Out, Apparently

karate mama aiming low

One of my favorite questions to ask when I am getting to know someone is, “If you were a superhero and could choose your super power, what would your super power be?” It is a great question and I have heard some fantastic responses: the ability to fly; the Iron Man suit. The comedian Dane [...]

Dear Victoria’s Secret: You Must Be Drunk…

karate mama aiming low

As I have gotten older and wider, I have amassed a longer list of stores I frequent less often. Stores that cater to the ultra-thin demographic. Stores that only have extremely tight-fitting clothes. Stores that peddle merchandise that is designed to place advertising (via words) on my butt. I am looking at you Abercrombie & [...]

You Might Be An ADD Mom


As usual, I was standing in the shower when I had an idea. An awful idea. A wonderful, awful idea. No, no I’m not going to steal Christmas, that’s been done. I was thinking of how you know when you’re an ADD Mom and wife. I think I qualify (I’ve been diagnosed and everything!) So [...]

What Happens After the Happily Ever After


The movie is over, the couple walks away in the sunset hand in hand. You put down the crumpled up wet tissues that you were using to wipe away the happy tears. You walk away feeling good, love is grand! We’ve all watched these movies, read those books. I know I have. But, have you [...]

The Accidental Seder (Phlegm Isn’t a Plague?)


A few years ago, I told my friend, Mitch that I’d never seen the movie, The Ten Commandments. Correctly deducing that this meant I was a horrible Jew and had not actively been passing on critical knowledge (not to mention that great movie) to my children, he launched into an interrogation, asking, “Does Emma know [...]