It’s not that my colleague would push his dogs into the great beyond to take their rightful place in pet heaven, but he would sign a ‘do not resuscitate’ if the opportunity showed up. Don’t go there, animal lovers! This is a humorous dialogue about three long-living senior citizens who have outlasted predicted demise…and their [...]
The topic of vasectomies comes up often in conversations with other moms. Most of us think the men should be the ones to go under the knife, but the husbands are usually nervous. Since my husband was brave enough to get snipped I’m obviously the voice of reason on the topic. The first question most [...]
Math has never been my strong suit. For as long as I can remember, I’ve struggled with numbers. I am resourcefully fluent with words. I can manipulate words, change them around, shake them up and give them new meaning. I can speak in a language that my generation connects with. Numbers are too strict. I’ve [...]
Quinn starts most mornings with 2 bananas. Starts. She’s 19 months old. It sounds excessive because it is. I understand that as the adult in these transactions, I should impact and change this ritual of gluttony. But you see, I can’t. She demands, “‘NANA’! More NANA!!” with an increasing hostility that makes me dread her entry [...]
As the mother of a preschooler, I can tell you many things about Hello Kitty. I can tell you that she lives in London, is in 3rd grade, and has a twin sister named Mimmy. I cannot tell you the one thing my daughter desperately wants to know about Hello Kitty—why she doesn’t have a [...]
My son is two. To me, there is no need to be up in arms that potty training is not going so well. While yes, it would be going better if I were a little more…helpful. But, I’m ambivalent. Daddy asks him repeatedly, “Do you need to go to the pot?” I just randomly check [...]
Americans love to think of ways the world might come to a gruesome end. Zombies, global pandemics, aliens, asteroids, nuclear war, global warming, or an angry Judeo-Christian or Mayan god. Although people may disagree on the time and means, everyone seems to agree that the world is screwed. I’m beyond arguing that any of these [...]
My car is magic. Or cursed. Or there could be a completely rational explanation. Here’s what’s happening: my iPod is hooked up to my car through an FM Transmitter–a fundamental piece of technology for anyone whose car was built before 2003. It works fine–exceptionally in fact–until I reach for my coffee mug. The moment I [...]
I affectionately refer to my left ovary as “Hotep Lefty.” For those of you who do not remember, “Hotep Hepty” was the good luck charm that Gidget used on her trip to Hawaii so she didn’t fall off her surf board. Hotep Lefty usually gifts me with not having to bleed on her month of [...]
I think my coolness quotient is slipping. I was never what you would call one of the really cool kids. I wasn’t a cheerleader or anything like that. But I was sort of cool, and once I got away from high school I think my coolness quotient increased quite a bit. I listened to cool music. I wore cool(ish) clothes. I smoked Marlboro [...]
I’m good at losing myself. I realize that sounds idealistic and philosophical; however, I don’t mean in a deep book about religious or political perspectives, while casually sipping from a glass of Merlot. I mean, I literally lose myself. Everywhere.
Back in November I participated in Mo’vember, which is a charity to raise awareness for men’s prostate cancer. Basically, you grow a mustache, hit up your friends for money, and then shave it off December 1. I had never grown one before, and let me tell you a few things as a 35 year old [...]
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