Foreigner Was Right: Love is Urgent

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Even though she knows I hate Urgent Care, my daughter (let’s call her the Girl) has contracted poison oak again.  She’s swelling, she’s itching, she’s oozing.  The whole situation is downright miserable. For me.  But before your eyes roll, let me explain. I have a history of poor judgment regarding when a visit to Urgent Care [...]

Five Wishes For Santa

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There are five things I’d like for Christmas, but I’m not planning on visiting the local mall to sit on some fat guy’s lap with my wish list in hand. A candy cane and a pat on the head isn’t going to give me the confidence I need to fulfill my Christmas wishes, either. I’ll [...]

A RUINED MIRACLE

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“Why Pope Benedict retire? Isn’t that atypical?” I asked the priest in line next to me at the airline check-in counter after shooting the shit about football and taxes. “Well, he was older. You know, he just wanted to lay around in his pajamas all day and drink wine with his friends,” he replied. “Oh, [...]

Coffee, Stat!

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OH MY LORD, are we out of coffee? Really? What time does Starbucks open? Not till 6 AM? What the #@%”&# is the matter with them? We are experiencing a caffeine crisis here, people. I cannot be held responsible for my actions if I don’t get some Arabica beans ground, and, pronto! For most of [...]

I’m BOASTING, BABY!!!!!

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So, you know how so many people post Facebook status updates the night before the first day of school? “Lunches are packed! Kids in bed! Backpacks ready! Forms filled out! Relaxing with a glass of wine and hubby!” And it’s only 8 p.m.? Some are dear friends of mine – and I hope they still [...]

The Incredible Dancing Six-Toed Woman

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It all started one morning when my husband and I were walking the dog. A woman stopped us to ask how to get to the Dali Museum. My husband gave her completely wrong directions because he was confusing his left and his right. I guess that’s what happens when you’re a genius. I wouldn’t know. [...]

Why Don’t They Make Hooters for Women?

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My husband loves to annoy me. One of his favorite ways is by suggesting the family eat dinner at Hooters. The kids (I need to point out, they are all girls) hang on his every word. But they don’t understand what Hooters is. Nor do they understand the concepts of dirty old men, negative attention, [...]

My Authentic Self. Which One?

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I’m as spiritual as the next new-ager, but I’m struggling with the life charge to find and live as your “authentic self.” For my non-spirit-seeking friends that means, dig deep inside, find your ugly truths and live them. To take it further; outer reality is illusion and only what we know and feel inside, is [...]

Built To Last… A Year or Two

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I’m going to drive this car into the ground. You hear people say that. But what you don’t hear people say is, I’m going to get the last rinse cycle out of this dishwasher if it’s the last thing I do. We don’t plan out our relationships with major appliances that long. We buy ‘em. [...]

A Fork In The Grass

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The following is a conversation that really took place last week, with no embellishment on my part. Allow me to set the scene: Nicky’s baseball game. Sunny, beautiful, breezy Sunday afternoon. I was sitting next to our friend, Glen* – our boys have played baseball together for the last few years, and even though he [...]

Dear Victoria’s Secret: You Must Be Drunk…

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As I have gotten older and wider, I have amassed a longer list of stores I frequent less often. Stores that cater to the ultra-thin demographic. Stores that only have extremely tight-fitting clothes. Stores that peddle merchandise that is designed to place advertising (via words) on my butt. I am looking at you Abercrombie & [...]

What Happens After the Happily Ever After

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The movie is over, the couple walks away in the sunset hand in hand. You put down the crumpled up wet tissues that you were using to wipe away the happy tears. You walk away feeling good, love is grand! We’ve all watched these movies, read those books. I know I have. But, have you [...]