Early Retirement?

If you have to get old, you might as well do it with pizzazz.

Winter seems to be going on forever around here. The dog is dragging his wiener every time he goes out for a pee, and I seem to be shoveling more of the salty slush that the plow keeps throwing in the driveway. It’s a constant barrage of melancholia and it’s really taking it’s toll on [...]

My hair is the Janet of Three’s Company.

"Hey girls. Anyone up for Ladies Night?"

My hair is boring. It blends in and is unseen. It’s the Janet of Three’s Company, the Jan of The Brady Bunch, the Jennifer of Family Ties. Until I was twelve-years-old I had really long, all-the-way-down-to-my-butt hair. Then I cut it to the shoulder length, parted on the side, and developed the mushroom shaped hairstyle [...]

How to Go From a 6 to 8 in Hotness

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I’m about to change your life. Now, that’s a pretty bold claim. You are right to doubt. There’s a lot of sixes out there that have bumped themselves up to eights. With one simple move. Cosmetics? Liposuction? Facial reconstructive surgery? Nope. Wearing sunglasses makes you instantly hotter. Two points, to be accurate. How does this [...]

Being Good Enough

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At least once a month I write a piece for Aiming Low’s Miss Unlimited. I write about a myriad of things. Relationships. Being yourself. Confidence. My mission is to inspire. To give hope. To let those young girls know that everything they are going through, all the awkward and difficult stuff, I’ve gone through too. [...]

The Real Cost of Children

AL_Abby

I have read a plethora of articles about the incurred expense of babies and children, and the focus is normally on things like formula, Mommy and Me classes, and college tuition. Some costs that seem to have gone unnoticed (or purposely ignored?) are items like our sanity, waistlines, and various personal affects. So today I [...]

“Your wife is a sasquatch, isn’t she, Gus?”

Goonie Goo Goo

To: Tricia@emailaddy.com From: YourHairStylist@emailaddy.com You have an appointment for a haircut and wax on Thursday at 10:30 am. Please respond to this email regarding your intention to attend this appointment. ———— To: MyHairStylist@emailaddy.com From: Tricia@emailaddy.com Goonie Goo Goo.   Every five weeks, this is the interaction I have with my hairstylist’s email appointment confirmation service. [...]

Slap Me Some Skin

No windshield sucks

I usually don’t do the dialogue thing, because I never remember them, but this one I found very funny and made a note of it. I’m not going to lie, it could have been my glaucoma medicine cookie that made it seem so hilarious, so you might want to eat one and wait an hour [...]

Curing Sweaty Body Crevices

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I’m sure you have heard of swass, or swack, as some people prefer to call it. Swass is shortened for “sweaty ass” and swack is shortened for “sweaty crack.”  Here in my neck of the woods, my friends and I have been referring to swass as “swamp ass” since 1994 so for this post, swass [...]

On Shortness

Guess which one's me.  I'll give you a hint. 
The children's helmets were a different color.

Today at the gym I took a nice sized chunk of skin out of my shin trying to do box jumps because I forgot that I’m 5’2” and contrary to popular belief, cannot jump. Other than bodily harm, there are many other lovely things that come along with being vertically challenged, so let me just [...]

On Being Eleven

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I am raising a daughter. She’s eleven, and smart and funny and beautiful. Unless I trip up, I always put the word “beautiful” last if I’m describing her. I want her to feel good about herself for what’s inside, but right now, being eleven, she is entirely focused on everything that is external. Clothes. Makeup. [...]

I Think I Gave Myself a UTI

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I went on a bath bonanza for the past week. I probably got four in five days. Then I left for a blog convention. I’ve always been sensitive to pressure when flying. I take a decongestant (actually a whole bunch of ‘em) before a flight just to loosen up the sinuses. I’ve never had an [...]

To the Man Who Saw Me Naked

rach

Hi, Manuel, Let’s not make this any more awkward than it already is. You just saw me naked. You just came over to trim the trees with your crew. I wasn’t really aware of the extent of the trimming about to take place, because I don’t give a shit about tree trimming. That’s Current Legal [...]