Home Alone Through the Years


When I was 16, my parents left me home alone for the weekend for the first time. Now, most kids that age would throw an epic party involving copious amounts of Peppermint Schnapps and bad beer and the night would end with broken heirlooms and/or underage people sleeping off bad liquor in the front yard. [...]

A Hint of Awful

lime and nacho chips

I am an unfailingly creative, dedicated cook, so every week I try to make a meal out of tortilla chips and fat. Recently I used a new brand of chips. Their particular flavor was mendaciously named “Hint of Lime.” Have you ever obsessively eaten something, because you are so appalled by the flavor you can’t [...]

The Couch to Cappuccino App


Week 1: Lie on the couch with your laptop. Stretch your arms above your head and reach for the ceiling. Bring your arms back down and wiggle your fingers. Then, get down to business and shop online for an espresso maker and have it delivered to your home. Week 2: When the espresso maker arrives [...]

Fresh Bread: Just Don’t Screw it Up

Beautiful, glorious, simple-ass bread.

Bread sounds hard. It seems complicated. Like something only our war-time grandmothers could do after milking the cows and before riveting an airplane together. But I assure you: fresh-baked bread is still within our realm. And it is the Aiming Low secret weapon. People go apeshit over fresh-baked bread and the only thing, THE ONLY [...]

The Candy Hall of Shame


If there is one thing I’ve learned from the internet, it’s that people have passionate opinions about everything, even candy. We all have treats we turn to in our time of need and those we mock at every opportunity. I put together a list of what I consider to be the 8 worst candies so [...]

The Gluten-Free-Free Thanksgiving

Ah, Thanksgiving. Oh, what will I ever eat? There’s the gravy that’s thickened with cornstarch and turkey that can’t be stuffed with delicious stuffing, and the vegetables must be broccoli and, if my memory from last year is correct, no way in hell can there be macaroni and cheese. Unless that macaroni is hand-pressed from a virgin and is delivered by [...]

Everyone Steals Their Kid’s Halloween Candy, Right?


I can’t be the only one who has lovingly tucked her children into bed, waited out the demands for water and another story, only to creep back for a final loving gaze once they were sleeping. Also, it’s much easier to steal their Halloween candy when they’re unconscious. The three-day sugar binge that accompanies Halloween [...]

How Do You Eat Your M&M’s?


People fascinate me. I enjoy watching them in the wild, analyzing their clothes, the way they walk and their facial expressions. People are like living, breathing puzzles and they are fun to figure out. That’s why I studied Psychology. The quickest way to gather interesting information about someone is to ask them about something mundane. [...]

Something Gross I Do

Sadly, I'm proud of this monstrosity.

I just had to call my ex-wife last night. Me: Hey, I have something so awful to share that you will lose whatever remaining shred of respect you still have for me. Ex: You mean like gross? Me: Yes, I’m sitting here looking at something really gross. Ex: Well, I can’t imagine it could be worse then [...]

Keep Your Schnitzel in Your Carry-On, and Other Travel Tips

How to stay "frisch" on a train

A touching story of transcending cultural and linguistic barriers.

Coffee: The Gateway Drug


I didn’t start drinking coffee until I was 33 years old. I made it through dozens of  all-nighters in college without coffee. I survived working the night shift at an adolescent treatment facility and attending grad school classes all day without ever having a sip. What finally did me in? Kids. Several months after my [...]

I Wish the Rest of the World Hated Sour Cream

The horror! The horror!

On the way home from the airport yesterday I tweeted out that I was about to make a poor dining decision. My flight was delayed an hour and I wasn’t getting home until midnight. I was hungry as balls. Taco Bell is deceptive. They have 89 items on their menu and each is a variation [...]