I once took a wine class titled “How to Be a Wine Snob in Under Two Hours.” It should have been titled “How to Get Tanked in Under One Hour” because I don’t remember much. Since then, I have muddled my way through enough tastings to teach my own class.
Americans love to think of ways the world might come to a gruesome end. Zombies, global pandemics, aliens, asteroids, nuclear war, global warming, or an angry Judeo-Christian or Mayan god. Although people may disagree on the time and means, everyone seems to agree that the world is screwed. I’m beyond arguing that any of these [...]
I have been known to only paint the 3 toenails that are exposed in my peep-toe pumps and I may not wax the floors until swimsuit season, but the longer days shining through my dirty windows remind me I have spring cleaning to do. Rather than just kicking a laundry mountain into a couple of smaller hills, I like [...]
It’s my birthday today. Yup. I’m going to be 29 again. I’ve been turning 29 for six years now. Lots of time to get the perfect 29th birthday planned. First, I’m going to read though the journals I kept as a teenager and laugh at my angsty teenage self. This will allow me to feel [...]
I don’t have an exhaust fan in my master bathroom. I know. You are riveted. Best. Beginning. Line. Ever. Move over Dickens with your “It was the best of times, it was the worst of times.” “I don’t have an exhaust fan” is the new shit. But I digress. My exhaust fan problem is not [...]
Whenever I see a young couple armed with a scanner gleefully assaulting items they think they need for a happily ever after, I snicker a little inside. Actually, I want to wrestle them to the ground and commandeer their registry just as much as I want the Duggars to name their next kid Jasectomy. Registries [...]
Confession: I’m not a big Halloween person. Even though it’s a holiday that celebrates candy, my favorite food group, I don’t particularly like going out of the house in costume. Yes, I live in New York, where you’re likely to run into pantsless people wearing fright wigs even when it’s not October 31, but I’ve [...]
I lose my keys a lot. Once a day, maybe more. I probably spend 4-5 hours a week looking for them, too. I lose my phone a little less I’m pleased to say, and I only have to look for it about twice a week. I rant, I grab my hair ceremoniously and I pay [...]
Have you seen those black and white block thingys that look like hypnotizing mutant bar codes? You know, these things: That black and white thingy is called a QR code. QR means queef reflex.
HP’s Photo Creation software makes it possible for even lazy idiots to create beautiful photo books.
There are things I’d rather do than spend multiple summer hours in a car with two small children. Having my eyes forced open with those little corn cob pick thingies while someone picks at my cornea with a ragged, dirty fingernail ranks right up there. But this month that’s exactly what I have to do [...]
My apartment is not wired for cable. I know what you’re thinking: How is it that you have access to a computer in 1862, Una, and are Abraham Lincoln’s acne scars really that visible in real life? But no, friends. I live in New York, what some would argue is one of the most plugged-in, [...]
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