Foreigner Was Right: Love is Urgent

medium_5327224133

Even though she knows I hate Urgent Care, my daughter (let’s call her the Girl) has contracted poison oak again.  She’s swelling, she’s itching, she’s oozing.  The whole situation is downright miserable. For me.  But before your eyes roll, let me explain. I have a history of poor judgment regarding when a visit to Urgent Care [...]

Word To the Gamers In Your Life From Your Mama Del Roy: Video Games

Video Games music by Lana DelRey lyrics by Linda Roy Lyrics by Mama Del Roy Music by Lana Del Rey You haven’t seen our backyard Don’t make me stop this car Callin’ out my name “Mom get me a root beer, bring it over here I’m playing video games” Hurry up and get dressed You’re [...]

How We Know Those Dear Abby Letters Are Fake

letter writing

Some are pretty bad, Dear Abby. And still you hope that we believe them. Dear Abby, I’m talking about your letters. You can’t think you’re pulling one over on us, that these pleas come from real people seeking real advice? Letters from teens that use words like ‘affront’ and ‘unbeknownst.’ Dear Actual Abby: Where are the real letters. [...]

Walk The Walk

Not me, but it sure could have been with those clothes.

You know how kids sometimes don’t do things when you ask them to? Yeah, I know it’s rare, but every once in a while they just seem to forget when you mentioned that the laundry needed to be put in the dryer after the buzzer went off and the dry clothes need to be folded. [...]

Calgon refuses to take me away.

I slipped away after supper thinking I might grab a relaxing soak in the tub. The first 90 seconds of my bath? Sublime. Remember those “Calgon, Take Me Away” ads from the 1970s? For a minute and a half, I was that last scene of the transformed harried housewife, at last calmly luxuriating in her [...]

My Wife Found Her X Chromosome

Baby? Was I supposed to thaw this out first? It seems a bit rare.

I think she must have cracked up a bit while I was away this time, because when I got home, the house was clean, the dog was still alive, and she was already planning the next night’s dinner. Seriously. I know this doesn’t seem like a big deal to all of you Martha Stewart wannabes, [...]

It’s Two Days After Christmas…A Totally Exhausted Poem

                                image credit It’s Two Days After Christmas ‘Tis two days after Christmas and all through the house Shit’s strewn everywhere and there’s wine on my blouse The kids in their snuggles tucked up in their beds While visions of flame throwers [...]

The Holiday Cocktail You Need!

scan0079

You know that theory that nothing will survive a nuclear blast except for the cockroach? Well, whoever came up with that theory never met my husband, because he will survive too. He has an immune system made of titanium, I swear. He never gets sick. In fact, I think they need to create a new [...]

The Timeworn Tale of the Sick Mother and the Children Who Didn’t Care.

spices reedster aiminglow

I spent Friday feverish, throat like a Brillo Pad, dreading the moment the kids would come home. I heard them enter, my husband shushing them with a “Mom’s sick! Let her sleep!” The door squeaked. I sensed little faces staring at me in the dimness of my shuttered bedroom, their breathing like stage whispers. My [...]

A Day Late, A Dollar Short

AL_Kids

It wasn’t until two months ago that I learned Lululemon had replaced Hanes Her Way. And I still don’t know how to pronounce it. Recently I attended a fancy wedding and had to text one of my girlfriends to ask if a deep v-neck dress calls for a long or short necklace. (If you care, the answer is long). [...]

The Christmas Win

Source
You already have the lights out? Total score!

On average during the Christmas season, about five times a day I read the suggestion to “simplify and enjoy the holidays” by “lowering my expectations” and “focusing on the meaning of the season.”  This wisdom is usually followed with a detailed explanation of how to make my own popsicle stick manager scene and give myself [...]

5 Reasons Why I am the Laziest Person Ever

Who us? We never piss or barf.

Sometimes I look around my house and I am astonished at just how lazy I can be. Depending on the number of times I’ve ferried children to taekwondo in a given week, I can be house-lazy to the point of “Hoarders” grossness. Here are five examples of my appalling laziness: 1.  For six months, I [...]