My hair is the Janet of Three’s Company.

"Hey girls. Anyone up for Ladies Night?"

My hair is boring. It blends in and is unseen. It’s the Janet of Three’s Company, the Jan of The Brady Bunch, the Jennifer of Family Ties. Until I was twelve-years-old I had really long, all-the-way-down-to-my-butt hair. Then I cut it to the shoulder length, parted on the side, and developed the mushroom shaped hairstyle [...]

The Horrors of Toddlery

I saw a group of children today, And this is the only thing I can say: I’m never EVER gonna have ANY. This group of parents I was watching just had WAY too many.   They’re all rude little fuckers with dirty little hands, And listen to all those shitty kid bands. They’re loud, and [...]

Norovirus, exciting and new.

cruise

It’s time. To the cast of “The Love Boat,” I’m looking at you. It’s time to get the gang back together for made-for-teevee movie magic. You’re the only ones who can save us, the only life raft that can keep us afloat in the choppy waters of good cruises gone bad. Clearly, I’m talking about [...]

Valentine’s Gift Guide for the Non-Romantic.

Photo credit: Justin Ficklin

Valentine’s Day insists on coming again this year and it vexes the non-romantic among us. For example, me. I hate flowers. They die. I might as well take two twenty dollar bills out of my wallet and fling them out the window of my minivan. They’re labor intensive. You get them thrust at you and [...]

Snowed In

A portion of the 50 vehicle accident a few miles from our place.

You may or may not know this, but I am a big fan of date nights. It’s true, I absolutely love having a night alone with my beautiful lady. What you might not know about me is that every two weeks, I get a date weekend, and I love them even more. This weekend was [...]

Word To the Gamers In Your Life From Your Mama Del Roy: Video Games

Video Games music by Lana DelRey lyrics by Linda Roy Lyrics by Mama Del Roy Music by Lana Del Rey You haven’t seen our backyard Don’t make me stop this car Callin’ out my name “Mom get me a root beer, bring it over here I’m playing video games” Hurry up and get dressed You’re [...]

Gird your loins: V-Day is coming!

prom

Valentine’s Day is coming up faster than you’d like to believe. Although I have a general distaste for Hallmark holidays, I’m gonna tell it to you straight: if you’re in any kind of relationship, you need to know what the explicit expectations are for this holiday of lurve. At my house, I make meatloaf. No [...]

Urine Luck

What you are about to hear is an interesting story, But it’s not about goals, feats, or glory. It’s simply about a man named Ray, Who discovered quite an unusual talent one day.   You see, all his life Ray only ate meat, He avoided fruits and veggies, and other healthy things to eat. Until [...]

Walk The Walk

Not me, but it sure could have been with those clothes.

You know how kids sometimes don’t do things when you ask them to? Yeah, I know it’s rare, but every once in a while they just seem to forget when you mentioned that the laundry needed to be put in the dryer after the buzzer went off and the dry clothes need to be folded. [...]

Pope Francis answers Vogue’s Proust questionnaire

Image via theguardian.com

The world’s most adorable and lovable Pope sat down with us for a rare interview. Nicknamed “the People’s Pope,” he has quickly become beloved everywhere for his kindness (he like kids!), compassion (he kisses the afflicted), his humility (he sleeps in the Vatican’s guest house!), and open-mindedness (gay people will only go to hell if [...]

My Wife Found Her X Chromosome

Baby? Was I supposed to thaw this out first? It seems a bit rare.

I think she must have cracked up a bit while I was away this time, because when I got home, the house was clean, the dog was still alive, and she was already planning the next night’s dinner. Seriously. I know this doesn’t seem like a big deal to all of you Martha Stewart wannabes, [...]

Ceramic squirrels are a girl’s best friend.

squirrel

Did you stab anybody this past Christmas? A few women did. One lady stabbed her fiancé during an argument over the color scheme for their wedding. Another woman was so upset when her boyfriend came home without beer on Christmas that she beat and stabbed him with a ceramic squirrel. A ceramic squirrel. Now, I’ve [...]