In Defense Of The Soul Fart

Swears

Hot damn, it feels good to swear.  When you consider the soul-withering stress and anxieties of adult life, it seems that the only rational response would be an uninterrupted geyser of flaming epithets. Its filthy catharsis eases painful existential pressure and in this, swearing is like farting: soul farting. Sure, it’s a dirty, nasty behavior, [...]

Realizing The ROI from Your Kids

homeschool

Young kids love being helpers. An expert explains how parents can turn that instinct into profit.

A Note to Daddy’s Lil’ Darling Concerning His Glasses

glasses.licked

Good morning, Hellcat! Mommy told me that last night — after I picked you up off of our bed and stumbled through your FEMA-level disaster area of a bedroom to place you on your own mattress — she found that you’d been lying on my glasses. I just wanted to leave you a quick note [...]

Ready For My Close Up

Clockwise: The Author as Ferocious Lion, A Monster Called Sarah Palin, 20/20 Anchor Hugh Downs, Atlas, Old Witch, The King, and Miguel el Toreador.  Also pictured: the author's daughter Mabel.

Before I became a parent, I was whoever I wanted to be, whenever I  pleased. I’ve been a hell raiser, a heart breaker, a pirate, a poet, and a hippie—all in the span of a single weekend, even. My persona was totally my call– factoring in circumstances, climate, and company, of course. I cast myself [...]

Gold Member

aqua pants front by cascade_lily

  By way of a friendly introduction let’s talk about the penis. Because, you see, I have a few concerns. My three year old, Tom, has newly discovered that he has one. This discovery coincided very traditionally with the move from nappies to proper underpants. Suddenly his nether regions, heretofore nappy-locked and inaccessible, were suddenly [...]

Ditch the Creepy Joker

joker

I grew up believing that family was defined by blood. If I shared genetic material with you, even in trace amounts, you were family. Otherwise, you were not. It is a simple way of defining family and some still find comfort in such clarity. Thinking of family in such concrete terms is like playing a game [...]

The Bliss of Single Parenting

cheerleader

My two and a half year old twins and I have come to the end of our day. It has been pleasant, we’ve gotten along, there was no back talk, bickering or tantrums, they have eaten all their food, they have said please and thank you–in essence, they have behaved like normal, functioning human beings [...]

Applications For Sister Wife Now Being Accepted

Rosemary Roast Chicken

I was addicted to the HBO series Big Love despite my initial questions about polygamy. However, I am an open-minded person from a very abnormal family, so I quickly realized sister wives are not only awesomesauce, but should become a part of mainstream society. Like, yesterday. My third daughter will arrive this month, so my need for [...]