Early Retirement?

If you have to get old, you might as well do it with pizzazz.

Winter seems to be going on forever around here. The dog is dragging his wiener every time he goes out for a pee, and I seem to be shoveling more of the salty slush that the plow keeps throwing in the driveway. It’s a constant barrage of melancholia and it’s really taking it’s toll on [...]

Valentine’s Gift Guide for the Non-Romantic.

Photo credit: Justin Ficklin

Valentine’s Day insists on coming again this year and it vexes the non-romantic among us. For example, me. I hate flowers. They die. I might as well take two twenty dollar bills out of my wallet and fling them out the window of my minivan. They’re labor intensive. You get them thrust at you and [...]

How We Know Those Dear Abby Letters Are Fake

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Some are pretty bad, Dear Abby. And still you hope that we believe them. Dear Abby, I’m talking about your letters. You can’t think you’re pulling one over on us, that these pleas come from real people seeking real advice? Letters from teens that use words like ‘affront’ and ‘unbeknownst.’ Dear Actual Abby: Where are the real letters. [...]

Walk The Walk

Not me, but it sure could have been with those clothes.

You know how kids sometimes don’t do things when you ask them to? Yeah, I know it’s rare, but every once in a while they just seem to forget when you mentioned that the laundry needed to be put in the dryer after the buzzer went off and the dry clothes need to be folded. [...]

Calgon refuses to take me away.

I slipped away after supper thinking I might grab a relaxing soak in the tub. The first 90 seconds of my bath? Sublime. Remember those “Calgon, Take Me Away” ads from the 1970s? For a minute and a half, I was that last scene of the transformed harried housewife, at last calmly luxuriating in her [...]

It’s Two Days After Christmas…A Totally Exhausted Poem

                                image credit It’s Two Days After Christmas ‘Tis two days after Christmas and all through the house Shit’s strewn everywhere and there’s wine on my blouse The kids in their snuggles tucked up in their beds While visions of flame throwers [...]

Santa’s calendar: The week before Christmas

Image via SXC

TUESDAY, DECEMBER 24TH, 2013 Busy day today. Don’t know how longer I can keep up this kind of schedule. Must make sure to hydrate and refill prescriptions. Christmas comes but once a year because Santa need to take a fucking seat, y’all. Pancake breakfast in New Jersey Photos at the mall (yawn) Fly in to New [...]

The Timeworn Tale of the Sick Mother and the Children Who Didn’t Care.

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I spent Friday feverish, throat like a Brillo Pad, dreading the moment the kids would come home. I heard them enter, my husband shushing them with a “Mom’s sick! Let her sleep!” The door squeaked. I sensed little faces staring at me in the dimness of my shuttered bedroom, their breathing like stage whispers. My [...]

A Day Late, A Dollar Short

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It wasn’t until two months ago that I learned Lululemon had replaced Hanes Her Way. And I still don’t know how to pronounce it. Recently I attended a fancy wedding and had to text one of my girlfriends to ask if a deep v-neck dress calls for a long or short necklace. (If you care, the answer is long). [...]

5 Reasons Why I am the Laziest Person Ever

Who us? We never piss or barf.

Sometimes I look around my house and I am astonished at just how lazy I can be. Depending on the number of times I’ve ferried children to taekwondo in a given week, I can be house-lazy to the point of “Hoarders” grossness. Here are five examples of my appalling laziness: 1.  For six months, I [...]

A Day in the Life of a Work At Home Mother

SUCK IT. No pun intended. Kidding. Totally intended.

People often ask me what it is I do all day, since I’m rarely seen leaving my house. You see, I suffer from the Throwback to the 1950s Syndrome where my contributions are constantly questioned because I keep shit together and earn a living all behind closed doors. I’m not fueling the working vs. stay-at-home mom fire, [...]

Is That You, Woody?

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Ah, Fall, the greatest of seasons. I completely embrace that unbridled, yet never realized, Rockwellian ideal of Autumn. Pumpkin everything until you want to spit the seeds at a nun. But when it begins … you kiss your kiddies goodbye as they climb the steps of the bus, you ceremoniously high-five your spouse and venture [...]