About Una LaMarche

Una LaMarche blogs at The Sassy Curmudgeon, and writes for The New York Observer, The Huffington Post, and NickMom. She dominates at mini golf, especially after a few drinks, and it is a fact that Tim Gunn once complimented her on her sandals. You can find her hawking blog posts and fetishizing candy on Twitter, and if you really want to feed her ego (which took a major hit thanks to an adolescent unibrow and a penchant for Troll doll earrings), you can become her fan on Facebook.

My Top 7 Non-Sexual Fantasies

Eat it, Channing Tatum!

1. I have a private salon in my home, staffed entirely by sassy middle-aged women with big hair who chew gum and gay men who enjoy bitching about Gwyneth Paltrow. Every morning, they shampoo, condition, and style me while we discuss the previous evening’s new TV episodes and eat scones. 2. Circumstances conspire to make [...]

Rhymes For Teenage Survival

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You will learn a certain rhyme by the time you get to college (or maybe even by the time you start high school, if you grow up fast enough). The rhyme goes like so: Beer before liquor, never sicker. Liquor before beer, you’re in the clear. It goes without saying that you should teetotal until [...]

Deuces Wild: The Unspoken Laws of Ladies’ Room Pooping

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Way back in July 2011, I tackled peeing in a public restroom. Ready for lesson… ahem… number two? Dave Barry once wrote (basically; I’m paraphrasing) that a man has to be a total sleazoid sociopath to stand next to another man in an otherwise empty bank of urinals. Countless women are faced every day with [...]

Lies I Tell Myself That (Probably?) Don’t Hurt Anyone

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I sing better than Zooey Deschanel. Okay, maybe not better, but at least less like my uvula got stuck in the rusty needle of an old Victrola. If I hadn’t torn those fake snakeskin pleather pants during a rolling keg stand through the science center sophomore year of college, they would still fit. 4 bottles [...]

10 Tips for Surviving Your Twenties

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Yes, I know, most of you aren’t there yet–but college will erase some of your brain cells, so print this out and save it for later. When I was 22, a 28 year-old friend of mine sat me down and gave it to me straight. “The next four to five years are going to suck,” [...]

The Procrastinator’s Guide to Success

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Hey, look up there!  It’s a bird! It’s a plane! Or is it, as my husband said so sweetly, a Summer’s Eve commercial? No, dudes. It is… wait for it… MY BOOK. Yes, I wrote a book (a young adult novel, out May 16, but available for pre-order now, she said shamelessly), only about 20 [...]

Learning to Love Your Late Bloom

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I was a late bloomer, in pretty much every sense. I didn’t get my period until the summer after seventh grade–normal, really, but years after all of my friends had already gotten theirs. I didn’t get breasts of any consequence until sophomore year of high school. My first kiss happened when I was 16. My first… anything else [...]

How to Make Super Classy Chocolate Cookies

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You know those baking posts that feature flawless, drool-worthy photos of really immaculate kitchens that make you want to kill yourself? Yeah, this isn’t that. I love to bake, but I’m nowhere near ready for my own Food Network show. I mean, look at my kitchen: So if you have fairly low standards for cookies [...]

4 Good Reasons to Stop Reading Women’s Magazines

Lean Legs! Tight Butt! Fried Brain! Destroyed Self-Esteem!

When it comes to women’s magazines, you name it and I’ve read it. I’ve probably even subscribed. I’ve been addicted to lifestyle magazines like Cosmo, Glamour, and Marie Claire; fitness magazines like Shape, Self, and Women’s Health; fashion rags like In Style, Lucky, Elle, and Vogue. I’ve read thousands upon thousands of magazines. I’ve spent hours–probably [...]

Sweatpants: A Love Story

Try not to be jealous.

My husband and I share a pair of sweatpants. On me they are big and roomy; on him they are tight as 70s gym clothes. For me they are sleeping sweatpants and eating sweatpants, and every fourth Monday or so they are my half-assed yoga DVD-doing sweatpants. For him, they are his playing-my-nerdy-war-game-on-the-internet sweatpants and [...]

5 Things on Facebook Worse Than Pictures of Babies

Oh, is my laptop camera on? I was just reaching for my Diet Coke when my arm hit the button and fate captured my impossibly soulful stare in a totally unposed moment.

It all started with a status update. There I was, trolling my news feed for ways to avoid doing actual work or taking a shower in the approximately ten minutes per day my one year-old allots for my personal grooming needs while he restlessly tears up a roll of toilet paper, when I stumbled across [...]

How To Take An Awesome Photobooth Strip

Kissing, however, is encouraged.

I have always loved photobooths. Something about stuffing yourself into a tiny space with loved ones and taking away a strip of instant memorabilia makes the romantic in me swoon. Growing up, my parents had some old photobooth pictures scattered throughout their many albums, and I loved looking at them. Four individual images, all connected, [...]