About John Cave Osborne

John Cave Osborne went from carefree bachelor to father of four in just 13 months thanks to marrying a single mom then quickly conceiving triplets. John and his wife, Caroline, recently welcomed their fifth child into the world, a little boy they named Grand Finale Osborne. He'd tell you more about it, but he's on the phone right now scheduling his vasectomy. You can keep up with John on Facebook, Twitter and YouTube as well as on his personal blog which he calls (get this) John Cave Osborne.

I’m Old. I’m Good With It. But it Sucks.

I'm not too old to kills these damn things.

Contradictory, right? Deal with it. I’m a touch senile. Sure. I’m just 42. Not really old (like my wife–damn 43-year-olds), but still old. I try to stay in shape. I mean, I watch what I eat. And I consume alcohol (which we all know is a preservative). And I exercise regularly. In fact, just last [...]

I’m Finally Sporting Wood Again

Believe it or not, this place gives me wood.

And I gotta tell you–it feels SO good. I’ve not sported it in forever. Way longer than I care to admit. I mean, color me old school, but I’m one of those who think that to be a true man, you gotta have at least a little wood. And if you go too long without sporting [...]

The Four Year-Old Patriots

So the other day, one of my triplets bounces up to me with this mischievous look on his face. Which totally makes sense because he’s, you know, mischievous and all. Anyway, his normally light brown hair’s been bleached blond by the sun, the same celestial body responsible for the bronzing of his taut, little belly, which I [...]

How To Put the Smackdown on Rogue Ice Cubes

rogue ice

So, I’m sitting there the other day, working at the computer, just crankin’ along, typing one sneaky-deep nugget of wisdom after another, when I grab the glass I’d been drinking from. You know, a little Coca-Cola action to keep the synapses firing at their most insightful and all. Anyway, my eyes never leave the screen [...]

The Plummeting Phenomenon That Is Our Babysitter Requirements


It’s been a tough stretch, friends. This summer business. It’s kicking our ass. It kicked our ass last summer, too, but that was to be expected given that my wife was pregnant with our fifth child. But the good news is that once our fifth was born, everything fell into place pretty shortly thereafter. The [...]

Homemade Hot Air Balloon: What Could Go Wrong?

those would be birthday candles

Alternate titles: Looked Good On Paper. Or maybe: Leisure Activities: Redneck Edition And, believe me, y’all, I know all about rednecks. Why, you might ask? Because I’m a redneck, y’all. (Duh.) Try to keep up. You know what else I am? A solo redneck in that my wife and kids have been gone for an [...]

Open Letter to Miller Lite


Dear Miller Lite, Just a quick note to let you know how much I appreciate your recent innovations, as well as an idea on what just might be your next big thing. But first, I have to admit, I was skeptical when you rolled out your vortex bottle. Really? I thought. Y’all pay some guy 50 [...]

Common Misunderstood Lyrics


So, if you Googled this to get the lyrics to Common’s song, Misunderstood, sorry. You’re shit out of luck. Don’t get me wrong, you did good to get here, it’s just that I don’t like using adverbs in my title, so my bad there. Because this is a post about lyrics that are commonly misunderstood. [...]

Suspiciously Rich Liars


So back in my Seattle days, there was this guy I’ll call Ernie. Ernie was a douchebag–but not in a malicious way, in a he-tries-too-hard kinda way. He was always hanging out with this pale, meek chick who was frequently (and inexplicably) barefoot, thus exposing her rodent-like feet, so thin as to be translucent, an [...]

What Happens When Things Go Wrong With The BlackBerry PlayBook?


My new BlackBerry PlayBook reminds me of countertops. In a good way. See, I used to own a granite countertop business (I sold my half to a business partner in October of 2010). And it was a good, little shop, too, 15-ish employees fabricating and installing around seven kitchens a week. One thing that made [...]

Sir? No Sir!

Seattle Slew (the horse, not the, uh, maneuver)

So there I am, holding the door of a convenience store for an attractive young lady. Probably 25-ish. Now, I’m a happily married, 40-year-old type, but it turns out that I still have eyes, so I’m prone to noticing such figures of loveliness. Not in perv way, mind you, as I’m not “that guy” who [...]

Fake Tan and Forbidden Love


So, there I am, minding my own business at the gym today, getting the ol’ heart rate up on the elliptical, when in walks this woman with a fake tan. But not just any fake tan. An epic fake tan, much like the one Magda sports in There’s Something About Mary. You know, Mary’s chain-smoking, [...]