So I have this friend who recently got a new job, yay for her! However, at this new job her internet usage is carefully watched and pretty restricted. Who would have guessed that the Aiming Low blog and the blogs of it’s writers would be blocked. Clearly they just don’t get us.

Their loss.

Fear not, we have found a solution. HP was obviously wise to the fact that we don’t always have access to the feeds we want to read so they created Tabbloid. The concept couldn’t be simpler, take your favorite feeds, choose a schedule and get them delivered to you in print ready PDF form for easy breezy reading.

Here’s how to set it up:

1. Go to www.tabbloid.com and click “Get Started”. It’s a huge bright blue button, it really couldn’t be easier to find.

2. Enter the feeds you want delivered.

3. Set the delivery options. (Where you want it emailed, daily or weekly and what time) Once you have it set, you click the little “Save delivery options” button.

4. Dude. That’s it. All you have to do is check your email for a confirmation and PRESTO, your favorite feeds are delivered to you in printable easy to read format.

Now, go forth and use this information as just one more way to stick it to the MAN.

Or you know you could also use it to print out your own blog for your parents, grandparents or other less than tech savy people so they can keep up to date with you. It could also be used for those who have long commutes to work with no access to the internet.

You’re welcome.

So there is a lot of road construction going on in my town this summer. A LOT. That in itself is not so out of the ordinary or rage inducing. The part that incites my rage is the type of road construction. Let me break this down for you.

First of all my town has suddenly become obsessed with round-abouts. Now I don’t have a problem with round-abouts but we’ve gone from zero to nearly 6 in a matter of months. Only ONE of them is actually necessary in ANY sense of the word. ONE.

This little jewel has three lanes! WTF? When approaching you can stay to the right if you are needing to take the first “exit”, if you actually enter the round about you then have an outside lane for the “go straight” option and an inside lane for the “turn left” option. I realize that sentence makes no sense but it’s appropriate because neither does the actual fucking round about. I generally just enter the damn thing and drive in the middle of the two lanes.

Now take a look at this diagram. Can anyone actually tell me why there was a need to complicate a right hand turn on ramp? I mean seriously, before, you could go straight or turn right. That’s it. Again, WTF.

There is an area under construction that actually needed a little traffic flow relief. However, I’m not so sure the plan in progress is going to work. I can’t say that with any certainty though because even after studying these graphics I still have ZERO idea how the intersection is going to work. There is even a video here (about 2/3 of the way down the page), and I still can’t make heads or tails of it.

Now some of you may look at these sketches, plans and photos and say “but Jen, these make total sense”. First of all, whatever, you suck. Second of all, I can pretty much guarantee that you are from a larger city where complicated intersections and interchanges are the norm. What I need you to understand is that I live in a town full of people who do 90% of their driving on 1.5 lane gravel roads. These are people more accustomed to dodging the Amish and their buggies than figuring out who has the right of way at a yield sign.

I am a consistent over-packer. To the extent of always having like four extra outfits when I take a trip somewhere. This isn’t a problem when I’m driving but holy wow airlines are charging ridiculous rates these days for luggage.

You probably think I’m about to tell you how to pack less, don’t you? WRONG! I’m just going to tell you how to fit MORE into your ONE bag. With BlogHer coming up (for some of us at least), I thought now would be a great time to share with you some of my often-poked-at but often-asked-for packing tips.

I recently went on a four day trip with my one year old and packed us both in one bag. I got all of this (and a little more) packed into our suitcase and I didn’t even go over the weight limit (ahem **coughBRITTcough**).

Here are my tips for getting all those clothes and accessories into one bag all while keeping it neat and tidy.

1. Roll your clothes. Rolling your clothes not only saves valuable space it also keeps your clothes from getting seriously wrinkled. Put your pants and heavier items on the bottom so that when upright all the weight will be in the bottom of the bag.

2. Make use of the pockets in the suitcase flap, if you have them. These pockets are great for small accessories, flat shoes and undergarments.

3. If you are packing a lot of shoes, and really what girl doesn’t, don’t fret about lost space. You can stuff small garments like socks and underwear inside your shoes.

4. Keep your bling tangle-free by wrapping it in paper towels or kleenex and packing it into a small cosmetic bag.

Now, since I’ve saved you all so much room in your suitcases, tell me what lovely presents are you going to bring me?

The last time I was pregnant I had just been to see my lady doctor like two months before so I actually skated through eight and a half months of pregnancy without having a “clothes off” doctor’s visit.

I should not have assumed that I would be so lucky this time around.

I was supposed to see my doctor on Monday. They called on the Wednesday before and wanted to move my appointment to the next day. I was anxious to finally hear a heartbeat so I accepted without hesitation.

Somewhere in the back of my mind a voice said, “Really, right at nap time, is this *really* a good idea?” I ignored that voice because really, it was going to take 15 minutes. Pee in cup, take blood pressure, tell them I still feel like shit and then hear the heartbeat. Done and done.

Obviously it didn’t go down that way. Obviously.

It all started when the perky nurse said, “We’re going to go ahead and do your pap today.” I could have died. However I know that the nurses there are always willing to hold a baby so I tried to stay calm. I set Chaser on the floor with a toy and his bottle and shimmied up on the table, excited to hear a little heartbeat.

Ten minutes later the nurse gave up and told me that the nurse practitioner would try while I was undressed so she could “look” a little lower.

Fast forward to me in a robe trying to wrangle a starting-to-squirm one year old. The NP came in and I kid you not, said, “Let me find one of those yahoos out there to hold this little guy for you.” So I did what any good parent would do. I sent him off with a kiss and a sigh.

As the NP was finishing up her swab test of my lungs through my hoo-ha (What? It felt that way!), there was a knock at the door. My actual doctor wandered in with my son and as soon as he saw me it was ALL OVER. He started to cry and threw out his little arms toward me.

Do you understand what I’m saying? I ended up holding my son on my chest while laying on the table with my feet still in the stirrups.

The NP took pity on me and wrapped things up rather quickly. She let me get dressed before going after the elusive heartbeat again.

At the end of the day I ended up hearing my new baby’s heartbeat while holding my first baby close to my heart. No matter that it took over 20 minutes total between the two nurses to find that heartbeat.

As much as I love him, Chaser won’t be coming to anymore doctor’s appointments, clothes off or not.

It’s no big secret that I have issues.

If you’ve ever had the pleasure of dining with me then you have most likely witnessed the severity of these issues.

Eating out with me is basically like eating out with a 3 year-old.

Case in point, I have never eaten a raw tomato.

Occasionally I suspect that a few rogue chunks have slipped by my radar, hidden in the leaves of my salad, at a restaurant. When I feel this has happened I simultaneously glare at my waiter and curse myself for having failed to ask for my salad sans tomatoes.

I don’t hate tomatoes in all forms, in fact I quite like ketchup. Much to my father’s dismay it was my dip of choice for my steak until he finally convinced me that if I must dip it in something it should at least be A1. But that’s neither here nor there. Even though I like ketchup there are still rules to its use. I will eat ketchup on a hamburger but NEVER on a cheeseburger. I will dip almost always dip my grilled cheese in ketchup unless it is made with white cheese, then I eat it plain.

I also enjoy tomato based salsa but again there are definite rules as too it’s consumption. First of all I’m not one of those people who loads a chip with salsa, I prefer a chip heavy ratio, Scoops are completely lost on me. If the salsa is pureed there is no cause for alarm and everything can go on as normal. If there are chunks…then we have a most distinct problem. Even though the tomato is cooked I still can’t handle the chunks. Just ask Meghan, she will tell you that in the case of chunky salsa I will simply dip my chip in the juice and eat it that way.

The salsa issues also apply to Chili. There mustn’t be chunks. End of story.

I feel like there are probably more rules where tomatoes are concerned, but I think it would be best for my reputation to leave it at this.

Please tell me that someone else has issues like these with food.

[Photo Credit: Mishelle Lane]

I am not a big fan of Jesus.

That is a story for another day however.

I am also NOT a big fan of the Easter Bunny.

That is the story for today.

Let me rephrase, the Easter Bunny who brings me fancy gifts and candy every year is ok. I am NOT ok with the creepy ass mall Easter Bunny.

I have no idea who decided that upon the holidays of Easter and Christmas there should be hobos dressed as the holiday mascot and people should pay good money to put their children on the laps of said hobos for pictures that often turn out less than stellar.

I mean have you seen the movie Bad Santa? That movie pretty much solidified my fear of holiday mascots at the mall. If a drunk thieving pervert can get a job as a Santa, I’m pretty sure they would be more than willing to put one in a bunny suit that covered all the scary-ness.

The point of this story is that in spite of my considerable fear of said Easter Bunny I was prepared to take my son to see him, just as I suffered through a visit to the mall Santa. Let me be clear, I gave myself multiple pep talks in order to screw up enough courage to take him.

I went to our po-dunk mall first to see if by chance they had a set-up there, as per usual, po-dunk mall let me down. There was no hobo in a bunny suit.

So I called the mall in “the big city” to find out what hours their Easter Bunny would be set up, only they didn’t have a damn bunny either. The only Easter Bunny I could find in a 50 mile radius was at the Hunting/Fishing/Outdoor store. It would be safe on your part to assume that we skipped the trip to the Easter Bunny. I mean he isn’t even one yet, he won’t remember. Just in case he ever asks to see pictures of himself with the bunny I will show him this.

It looks totally real right? He’ll never know.

*photo courtesy of the one and only Heather Spohr

**I just realized I never explained the title of this post. It’s not important, trust me.

[Photo Credit: Mishelle Lane]

Early this morning I sat down to scour the interwebs for some juicy celebrity gossip to write about. I mean since The Bachelor debacle has ended I’m in need of a little inspiration.

The baby was sleeping and I was tucked into bed with my diet coke at the ready. I was ready to read the dirt. I started with everyone’s favorite gossip-monger Perez.

That bitch let me down. HARD.

Top story? Joe Jonas and Demi Lovato are officially dating. I’m sorry but number 1, the Jonas Brothers make me want to stab someone in the throat, number 2, even though I actually kind of like Demi Lovato, I don’t actually care about the dating habits of the teen scene from the Disney Channel. I read the Twilight books, that was more than enough G-rated romance for me.

I’m pretty sure he might have mentioned a few European music groups that I know nothing about and therefore could care less about.

Way to keep it relevant Perez.

The next clip I stumbled upon was about Mel B and her wack-a-doodle new hair cut. Like I care that she decided to shave half of her head (or her child’s for that matter). Come talk to me when you go batshit crazy and shave your whole head while most likely drunk/high like Brit Brit did.

The only thing even remotely interesting to me was a story about how Susan Boyle is NOT going to be the opening act for Fifty Cent’s UK tour. I’m not entirely sure why that was ever even a thought in someone’s head. I’m pretty sure those two go together just about as well as nutella and avocado.

Pretty much disgusted with the lack of anything juicy on Perez I decided to surf over to TMZ.

Surely they wouldn’t disappointment me right?

Wrong. Again.

Top story over there was the thrilling confirmation of “Ben-a-palooza” as the name of Ben Roethlisberger’s birthday bash that ended with sexual assault charges.

SNORE.

I must have checked at least 10 more celebrity gossip sites only to come up empty.

I don’t know about you but I am kind of ready for Britney Spears or Tom Cruise to have (another) very public high-speed-come-a-part.

Until then I guess it’s back to Soap Operas for me.

I know that it has been over a week since The Bachelor ended but I wanted to share some final thoughts with all of you who have taken this epic journey of love with me. The season finale was a painful watching experience to say the least.

Let me rephrase. It WOULD have been a painful experience.

I did not watch the entire hour and a half or two hours or whatever amount of fluff they aired. I would apologize to you all for not watching every mind numbing minute but I feel like the fact that I flat out refused would only make you all more proud of me.

So in the first hour(ish) we saw both of the girls meeting Boy Wonder’s family. I’m guessing, you know from what I read on twitter, that they loved Tenley and HATED Vienna. Honestly, who wouldn’t?

For those out there who didn’t know the outcome this should have been the point where light bulbs started flashing manically.

After family time the girls each got ONE MORE DATE. What happened on these dates? Well let me tell you. Jake and Vienna made soft core porn and Jake and Tenley did not.

That said.

Jake picked Vienna.

I read Reality Steve at Ali’s suggestion way back at the beginning of the season so I knew this was going to happen.  What I didn’t know is how it would happen. I did not predict Jake being such an out-and-out tool. I wish you could see my impression of him but alas I don’t do video so just imagine it, it’s funny I swear.

Because it wasn’t enough to make people sit through an hour of filler, ABC decided to air After the Final Rose, immediately following the season finale. Is that normal, do they always do that? I don’t know but here’s what I took away from that nonsense.

Chris Harrison has got to be the biggest douche of a host EVER. The pure delight he gets in making people relive painful memories is down right masochistic.

Tenley came out and spewed her typical rainbows and sunshine. Boring. She didn’t even really try to make Jake squirm when he was brought out to face her. Again, boring.

Jake said and I quote “Vienna’s my baby (insert crowd awww)….I’ve never had this much (raised eyebrow) heat in a relationship”. Then I barfed a little. He rambled on and on and on about how wonderful Vienna was/is and I didn’t see the point in listening so I tuned out to catch up on Words with Friends.

Chris made fun of Jake for pulling a Mesnek, whatever that means. I didn’t watch last season or the one before so whatever.

Vienna and her wandering eye came out to join Jake and Chris and defend her honor against the horrible tabloids. I’m sure there are some false stories rumbling around out there but really can the all be false.

Dear god, in a season that saw more cheesy moments than nearly all of the past seasons combined, ABC really outdid themselves by getting Jeffrey Osborne to come on and sing the theme song. Gag me with a spoon.

Surprise surprise, fan (and personal) favorite Ali is going to be the next bachelorette. As much as it saddens me to admit it, I am looking forward to watching next season. I hope she can regain a little of her dignity and find someone who isn’t a complete tool. I hope you’ll all join me in watching next season, I promise many more snarky recaps.

Well folks, it’s finally here, one of the most anticipated episodes every year on The Bachelor, The Women Tell All. I love watching the women  all gathered together, forced to watch the evidence of their ridiculous antics in front of the ALWAYS tactful Chris Harrison and a live studio audience. Spoiler alert….this year’s edition left me highly unsatisfied.

First of all Chris Harrison, I think you may be a leeeetle premature in naming Rozlyn the most SHOCKING television scandal of 2010. Usually we wait til closer to the end of the year before handing out the big awards.

Before parading all the castaways out onto the stage Chris wants to do a rehash of all the seasons most dramatic moments. Roll footage of Chris and boy wonder having a tete-a-tete about the seasons high and low points. Of course the first thing they discuss is Rozlyn. Five minutes in and we’ve already hit this topic twice. I am sensing a trend already.

After a quick recap of how agonizing THAT was for Jake we move on to talking about one of the other game-players in the house, our dear little tease Elizabeth. We see the clip of her reading her more than awkward note about her no kissing rule outloud to Jake. Tally up my first major eye-roll when Jake tells Chris that he has friends who “do that”, wait until their wedding for their first kiss. Clearly Jake didn’t need to clarify the fact that that’s not really his thing. Yes Jake, my corneas are still suffering from watching you go on a suck-face marathon in last week’s episode.

Keeping up with the parade of train wrecks we move right along to Vienna. Jake yammers on about leaning on Vienna in his time of need (read: when he lost his shit about bungee jumping off a bridge) and how that is when their relationship blossomed. Thankfully Chris moves right along to the other woman left standing, Tenley. We are taken back in time to 1995 as evidenced by Jakes skin tight turtle neck. What’s that you say? It was just a clip of Jake and Tenley in San Francisco? Hmmm, homeboy needs a stylist stat.

Of course we are subjected to another viewing of Ali’s heart wrenching decision to leave, because we clearly haven’t seen that enough already.

Up next…MOAR FILLER….yay! Let me just tell you that the footage of the Bachelor reunion made. my. night. I got to see Erika, remember her from Lorenzo’s season, the crazy bitch who thought she was a princess, always runnin around in a tiara. THAT girl shows all the other one’s how to do bat shit crazy with flair. Gold star, girl, gold star. I am suddenly deeply saddened that I didn’t watch Jillian’s season because this Wes character looks like he provided lots of entertainment. I am SHOCKED that these reunions aren’t stretched into mini-series-esque productions. Be patient loves, I’m sure it’s in the works.

In the interest of keeping with unnecessarily loooooong episodes we next get to see some footage of “the Bachelor family” doing community service and volunteering. Honestly, it’s a pretty cool thing they are trying to do so no snark from me on that.

FINALLY twenty minutes in the girls are paraded out so we can begin the finger-pointing-cat-fighting fun. The first montage is basically a look at all the girls’ catty diary sessions wherein they talk trash about all the other girls. I must say that usually the opinions are a little biased and perhaps laced with some jealousy and scorn but the girls commentary on Tenley? Spot. On. Jessie claimed she fell out of a Disney movie and Gia exclaimed that she shits rainbows. Gia, it’s official, you have captured my heart.

I am BEYOND disappointed in Ashleigh H for apologizing for calling Vienna a “white trash trailer whore”. Girl, stick to your guns, you spoke the truth, do NOT apologize for that. Speaking of shitting rainbows, my girl Gia is still apparently cheerleading for Vienna, gag.

Next up on the hot seat was Elizabeth. She gets a few of her douche points erased for admitting that her strategy looked an awful lot like game playing and was in the end really silly. Going so far as to say that you boo’d yourself when watching the episodes speaks volumes.

For those drinking along at home, it was time to throw another one back and Chris changed the topic back to Rozlyn. He wanted the scoop straight from the girls who saw it first hand. Surprisingly, Gia was the first to speak up and spill that she didn’t know what Rozlyn was doing but she certainly wasn’t sleeping in her own bed at night. Ashleigh, Jessie and Ella all share their tales of the shenanigans they witnessed. Once again we are reminded that the harlot is in fact in the building and we will hear from her soon.

Sidenote: I love listening to Ella talk, her southern accent and use of the word fixin’ is unfailing cute.

Before we get to burning at the stake, Chris wants to have a little chat with Gia, the latest cast away. Cue Gia’s entire season montage. There is much lamenting about Gia’s lack of ability to be clear about her feelings and that being the reason she was sent home. I find myself wanting to be snarky but I mostly just feel sorry for the poor girl.

Up next is old crazy eyes herself, Michelle. Of course we get to see clips of all her awesomely crazy antics and I must say even though I watched it as it was happening, seeing it all strung together was almost painful to watch. Girl is nutso and a half.

Sidebar: I am not impressed with the lack of catty-ness thus far. I am bored.

Ali is the next lady to land on the hot seat next to Mr. Harrison. Of course we get to see her season in review…again…and all I can really think about is how much I covet her wardrobe. This girl has some kick ass clothes. I cannot understand how people have issue with her choosing her job over Jake. Regardless of what her job is I’m pretty sure she has had it longer than she had known Jake. Even if she had stayed she wasn’t guaranteed to get him in the end. I’m shocked that they didn’t announce her as the next bachelorette, perhaps next week, eh?

Fiiiiiiiiiiinally it is time for Rozlyn to make her much hooyed appearance. Chris Harrison is practically foaming at the mouth for this. He starts off by claiming no ill will and yet he starts laying down the zingers left and right, “so tell us your side of the story what really happened…in your head”, “just so we clear it up…in your mind”, he tacked that little “in your head/mind” onto almost every sentence as he was leading her in conversation. It didn’t take long at all for her to starting getting testy. As they go rounds about what DID and what DID NOT take place I can’t help but giggle at the blank stare on Rozlyn’s face. Rozlyn is flat out denying that ANYTHING took place Chris pulls out a little tale about asking his son tell the truth about unicorns and magicians. Wha? If this were unfolding in court Rozlyn’s lawyer would most definitely be jumping up and down screaming OBJECTION. So the girls start in on their versions of the physical shenanigans that went on, all the while Rozlyn is playing the denial game. Here is my problem with all of this. This is a reality TV show, people on reality TV shows can hardly go to the bathroom without a camera crew. If there was all of this cuddling and kissing going on just show us some damn footage already. I am HIGHLY suspicious. I’m not saying that I believe her because clearly she is one french fry short of a happy meal. She was clearly in a lose-lose situation but I think she gave just as good as she got. She even managed to accuse Chris of hitting on the scorned producers wife. Ouch.

With that bit of fun behind us we move on to boy wonder. First he gives a heartfelt apology to Gia, claiming that sending her packing was just the right thing to do (insert lots of pursed lips and head nods in her direction). Lots of awkward pauses and lip quivering by Ali when they address her leaving. Next Chris asks Jake to address sending both Kathryn AND Ella packing on the same date and just as Kathryn gets to speak for the first time she is quickly silenced by Jake’s arched eyebrows, pursed lips and patronizing head nods telling her that she just reminded him to much of past FAILED relationships. Ouch. Without addressing Ella, Chris moves right on to asking Jake about who he regrets sending home and out of nowhere he answers Christina, claiming that he didn’t know she was hot AND funny.

Awkward transition into a blooper reel…Harrison sings and makes lots of ridiculous pilot jokes, Jake proves that he really is a dumbass by not understanding big words, the girls farting, Tenley shits rainbows for real and I love Ashleigh, end scene.

Harrison asks Jake if he is happy, Jake says yes, I let out a sigh of relief that this episode is over and then NOOOOOOO after the break we get a closer look at the final two. W.T.F.

Recap of Jake with Vienna, all the gag worthy moments included with voiceovers from both talking about how perfect they are. Seriously guys, this girl makes me want to vomit.  Same deal for Tenley, only the gagging is brought on by all the sunshine and rainbows and sparkles.

Based on the previews next week is going to be TORTURE.

Well here we are kids. It’s finally time for destination dates and fantasy suites. This week Jake and the girls head to St. Lucia for a vacation filled with, you guessed it, lots of sucking face, proclamations of love, and use of the word amazing.

First we see the “previously on” where we basically get recaps of Jake totally pulling the wool over ALL the parents’ eyes and another long drawn out view of the Ali drama.  Oh yeah, there was also lots of making out.

Before we get to the dates I want to address the nonsense with Ali’s phone call. Everything about it was so frickin staged. First of all Ali says in her voiceover that she’s back in San Francisco and yet she is clearly in a hotel. I also highly doubt she is keeping the promotional photos of Jake on her nightstand. Christ.  If you want a really awesome breakdown on how ridiculous the whole phone call situation is head over to Reality Steve’s site but beware it is full of spoilers. Anyway, I’m moving on now.

Gia gets the first one-on-one time with Jake and as usual her outfit is a little ridiculous. Jake tells her that they are going out in a boat and you know our girl Gia was expecting something along the lines of the yacht she took him on in NY but unfortunately for her she got the raw end of this deal. They head out in a glorified john boat that barely looks water tight. Of course Jake is trying to make out with Gia while he is driving the boat, at this point my husband looks over and promptly loses his shit. “There’s nothing safe about makin out while you’re driving a damn boat, I hope he crashes into a buoy. This is a god damn pilot for shit’s sake.” He was CLEARLY not impressed.

Anyway they dock the boat and head over to check out a little street full of natives. They make the traditional touristy purchases of authentic island jewelry and dance in the street. This quickly becomes boring so they beat feet for the water where they can shimmy into their suits and make out some more. Their evening meal is set up for them on the beach in a private little cove, which hello, has totally happened to me. ZOMG these dates are so realistic.

Gia decides that she’s ready to “go all the way” and tells Jake that she wants to spend the night with him in the fantasy suite. After a quick tour of the place we see a shot of scattered clothes leading the bathroom where the two are sharing a bath. Gag. Me. Now.

Thank god for commercials and moving on to the next date.

Next up is Tenley, jeebus, here come the rainbows and sunshine people. The lovebirds hop in a helicopter for an aerial tour of the island. Of course everything is just perfect and amazing and lots of giggling and happiness ensues. After the helicopter ride the two head off to the rain forest for picnic, they have their typical chat about morals and values and so on and so forth. Tenley wants to know how Jake will live up to all these romantic dates in the future and he spins a line about just jumping on a plane to the Caymen Islands, because y’all I do that all the time. After the picnic they head to the beach where they can strip down to their swimmy suits and play kissy face in the water. Tenley is just so awesomely happy BUT the fantasy suite is there in the back of her mind.

After a much needed commercial break we are back for Jake and Tenley’s dinner portion of their date. Jake had SOOOO much fun with her. In his interview time Jake claims that the fantasy suite is so important for “getting to know each other”, right. Tenley waxes on and on about how thankful she is that he is giving her a chance because you know getting divorced from someone who had an affair is SUCH a strike against her character. Tenley tells Jake that he makes her heart smile and I throw up in my mouth a little. The two share a little dance and a little more kissing and blah blah blah. Jake pulls out the fantasy suite card and Tenley falls hook line and sinker for our boy wonder. Do they at least get a fresh room to stay in? In the suite Tenley dances all around telling Jake “she just doesn’t do this with any boy”.  Jake goes on and on about how awesome it is that Tenley feels so safe with him and they strip back down to swimmy suits to get busy in the pool.

Deep breath, it’s time for Vienna. Girls extensions are looky RA-TTY. The two apparently have a ship from the Pirates of the Carribean all to themselves. Vienna makes Jake put on a eye patch and boy wonder has to be told to open his uncovered eye…by girl-genius Vienna. My eyes rolled so hard, I’m shocked that they didn’t get stuck. Jake interviews in a voice over that he loves that Vienna is so playful, if he plays rough, so does she, WTF? They, of course, strip down to swimmy suits and roll around sucking face on the bow of the ship. Vienna is wearing the famous swimsuit with the butt ruffle, jesus help me. They climb up to the crows nest for a little more face sucking and then Jake, wearing his pirate eye patch and bandana and weilding a fake sword,  makes Vienna walk the plank. He is SUCH a tool. They roll around on the beach for awhile and Jake interviews that the whole experience was smoking hot. He says he needs to be careful to make sure that the attraction isn’t all physical and that there is some substance to her heart.

At this point I realize I’m only halfway into this episode and I have a minor melt down.

Cut to Jake and Vienna’s dinner portion of the date. Dinner talk revolves around Vienna wanting to be a mom. Jake is still worried that he is only sexually attracted to Vienna which is frightening to me because I have nightmares about her wonky eyes and bad extensions. Then suddenly they are talking about engagement rings, how the fuck did that happen. As if that wasn’t awkward enough then Jake then proceeds to tell Vienna how he is in love with the other two girls as well. Holy awkward silence. He clearly needs to learn how to transition properly in conversation. Vienna takes about an hour to tell him that she is in fact in love with him and boy wonder practically pees himself from excitement.

Jake pulls out the fantasy suite card for Vienna and she is all “hell yes”. Vienna wants to use the time to really get to know each other.  Jake interviews that hearing Vienna proclaim her love for him makes his heart glow. The two love birds head off to the room where Vienna puts on her teeny tiny white nightie and the two go off behind closed doors to cuddle.

Vomit.

Next up we finally get to see the much talked about phone call from Ali. Long story short, she is miserable, she fucked up, she wants to come back. Jake tells her that after she left he put his feelings for her aside to make room for the other girls. He shuts her down and there are tears all around. Ali is shocked that his feelings have changed so quickly but lest she forget she missed out on fantasy suite time. You clearly can’t put a price on those overnight stays.

To me the whole thing felt fake and like something the producers forced Ali to do, but whatever.

Now that that whole nonsense is out of the way we can finally get to the rose ceremony. Jake is in love with all three women and has no idea how he is going to let one of them go. Heaven forbid he lose one of his make out buddies. In his interview with Chris he goes over all his dates and we are subjected to a video montage of each date. OMG we JUST saw this shit, don’t make me watch it again. We get the weekly footage of Jake staring longingly at each girls’ picture while he voiceovers what a tough decision this is and how he is in love with all of them, they are all so great blah blah blah. Jake is now relying on recorded messages from the girls to help him make his decision.

Jake finally heads out to the firing squad and passes out roses to Tenley and Vienna. Sorry Gia, end of the road for you my love. Trust me I think this is for the best; I like you too much to see you end up with this schmuck.

Next week is “The Women Tell All”, thank god, because that means this season is almost over. Someone slap me if I offer to do this again.