To the Man Who Saw Me Naked

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Hi, Manuel, Let’s not make this any more awkward than it already is. You just saw me naked. You just came over to trim the trees with your crew. I wasn’t really aware of the extent of the trimming about to take place, because I don’t give a shit about tree trimming. That’s Current Legal [...]

I Am A Geek Dad

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I guess I was cool before it was cool to be…cool. I thought I lost my coolness nine years ago when #1 slid down the sperm slide. I traded my Metallica CDs for VeggieTales and my house parties changed to birthday parties. Maybe I never lost my coolness. With the rise in popularity of The [...]

A Mother-in-Law’s Assumptions of Equality

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My mother-in-law is a master at rubbing me the wrong way.  She makes seemingly innocent comments like, “Maybe you can take a nap,” when she knows I have to work, or last week’s gem, “With a higher position now, he will likely have more responsibilities – like working later.” Um. Yeah. I know. That statement [...]

A Taste of Summer in the Winter

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I am something of an accidental foodie. I realized this when I found myself picking up INGREDIENTS instead of carry out. I think everything tastes better when I cook it, plus I don’t worry about the expiration date on the chicken at the local greasy spoon. So, yes, the foodie thing may have its roots [...]

The Etiquette of Barking Spiders

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I got a talking-to the other day. My son, Connor, was picking up the splayed cards from his memory game the other night when we heard a noise come from the kitchen, where my husband was making dinner. A barking spider, or at least that’s what it sounded like to us. I was playing around [...]

Pet are Not Philanthropists

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As I was driving to Target the other day, I stopped behind a van with a bumper sticker that said the following: My Dog Gave Blood at ACCES. Just hear me out, people. I am a pet owner. I have always had cats and dogs and one unfortunate stint with mice as a child. I [...]

Plunging Into Peace

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Last night I had dinner all ready to go when my oldest, Izzy, came running in to the kitchen to tell me that the toilet was overflowing. Just a little. Umhum… just a little. It’s overflowing because some people dumped kitty litter down a chute that wasn’t designed for that. As I was plunging, swearing, [...]

Sushi Maki of Horror

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My husband, Mike, and I went early to a sushi restaurant. We’re ahead of our time when it comes to early bird dining. We’re two weeks away from stealing sugar packets from every place we go. We sat at the bar. I heard a tiny voice to my left. A tiny new waitress had her [...]

MU Teen: An Historical Day for an Historical Man

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As Obama was inaugurated for second term, many across the nation were celebrating a man who represented human rights. Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. made many leaps in civil rights, and so did Obama. When people think about what Obama will be remembered for, I think the most common thing is that he was our [...]

On Husbands and Alarm Clocks

jenwithgirls

So, what is it with husbands and alarm clocks? Specifically, husbands incessantly slapping the snooze button on said alarm clock? At least one of my friends has a husband who suffers from this same affliction (I know your dirty secret, Kev). Yes, I realize ladies are just as capable of this horrific habit. But I’m [...]

Resolution Report Haiku Style

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With new found resolve I’m checking serving sizes after meals and snacks. This is serious. I’m concerned about Hubs’ weight. It’s too close to mine. More than twenty seeds from a single tangerine. I feel accomplished. When you bring the snack clearly mark it GLUTEN FREE so I don’t eat it. Searching Amazon for “_______ [...]

Confessions of a Former Hoarder

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I used to be a hoarder. And by hoarder I mean someone who would surround herself with paper products like magazines with cover lines like, “200 Fashion Tips for the Fashion Foolish,” “101 Great Canapes,” or “The Sexless Marriage: You Decide.”  All of which I was always *thisclose*  to using in my work as a [...]