What’s My Super Power? Sticking My Butt Out, Apparently

karate mama aiming low

One of my favorite questions to ask when I am getting to know someone is, “If you were a superhero and could choose your super power, what would your super power be?” It is a great question and I have heard some fantastic responses: the ability to fly; the Iron Man suit. The comedian Dane [...]

Dear Victoria’s Secret: You Must Be Drunk…

karate mama aiming low

As I have gotten older and wider, I have amassed a longer list of stores I frequent less often. Stores that cater to the ultra-thin demographic. Stores that only have extremely tight-fitting clothes. Stores that peddle merchandise that is designed to place advertising (via words) on my butt. I am looking at you Abercrombie & [...]

You Might Be An ADD Mom

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As usual, I was standing in the shower when I had an idea. An awful idea. A wonderful, awful idea. No, no I’m not going to steal Christmas, that’s been done. I was thinking of how you know when you’re an ADD Mom and wife. I think I qualify (I’ve been diagnosed and everything!) So [...]

What Happens After the Happily Ever After

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The movie is over, the couple walks away in the sunset hand in hand. You put down the crumpled up wet tissues that you were using to wipe away the happy tears. You walk away feeling good, love is grand! We’ve all watched these movies, read those books. I know I have. But, have you [...]

The Accidental Seder (Phlegm Isn’t a Plague?)

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A few years ago, I told my friend, Mitch that I’d never seen the movie, The Ten Commandments. Correctly deducing that this meant I was a horrible Jew and had not actively been passing on critical knowledge (not to mention that great movie) to my children, he launched into an interrogation, asking, “Does Emma know [...]

Halos, Horns, and Homeschoolers

alfam

When my new neighbor found out I homeschool my seven kids, she tapped the top of my head and said, “I think I see a halo.” For the record, NEVER do that. I wanted to slug her, but like the good girl I was raised to be—dammit–I smiled politely and changed the subject. But seriously, [...]

An Open Letter to Chocolate

chocolate lust

Dear Chocolate, Are you sitting down? I think you need to sit down for this. Let me just cut to the chase and say it: we need to take a break. And by break I mean I’m packing your bags and shipping you out. It’s been swell and all but this whole relationship just doesn’t [...]

Bedtime Bingo: An Ode to Fellow Parents of Toddlers

alfam

In every home where a toddler resides, Comes a time of day that churns parents’ insides. We bathe them and jammy them after we sup, But as this time draws near, we brace and buck up. I hope you have strength left after your day, If not, drink some coffee, or better yet, pray! Soon [...]

Curing Sweaty Body Crevices

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I’m sure you have heard of swass, or swack, as some people prefer to call it. Swass is shortened for “sweaty ass” and swack is shortened for “sweaty crack.”  Here in my neck of the woods, my friends and I have been referring to swass as “swamp ass” since 1994 so for this post, swass [...]

On Shortness

Guess which one's me.  I'll give you a hint. 
The children's helmets were a different color.

Today at the gym I took a nice sized chunk of skin out of my shin trying to do box jumps because I forgot that I’m 5’2” and contrary to popular belief, cannot jump. Other than bodily harm, there are many other lovely things that come along with being vertically challenged, so let me just [...]

I Want the Truth

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If you could impress one lesson upon your children, what would it be? A tough question, I know. As parents we teach our children just about every little thing; from using the toilet to expressing gratitude. But if I had to pick one, it would be about honesty. I’ve tried valiantly to instill this quality [...]

Blind Date with Poor Melvin

champagne and roses

This online dating thing is boring. Someone man-up and meet me in the flesh! I was over this netiquette, so I made a date with the first gentleman caller that inquired. I agreed to a date with a man named Melvin. That’s right, his name is Melvin, a synonym for an extremely uncomfortable man-wedgie. Melvin. [...]