About D.J. Paris

I’m Rebellious!


I’ve never been much of a rebel. Never shoplifted as a teenager. Didn’t get drunk and vomit all over my parents while they were sleeping. Wasn’t courageous enough to light up a square in the high school bathroom. I do have a bathroom story, however. Once as a freshman nature called during civics class. I [...]

How to Go From a 6 to 8 in Hotness


I’m about to change your life. Now, that’s a pretty bold claim. You are right to doubt. There’s a lot of sixes out there that have bumped themselves up to eights. With one simple move. Cosmetics? Liposuction? Facial reconstructive surgery? Nope. Wearing sunglasses makes you instantly hotter. Two points, to be accurate. How does this [...]

Are Relationships All We Have?


One of my friends, named Hungry Joe, died about a year ago. He was one of the most brilliant (maybe the) men I have ever met. He was afflicted, most likely, with Aspergers. He had a difficult time communicating except through metaphor. For years (and I mean over a dozen), he slept on rooftops in [...]

Adventures with Vibrators Part II


Adventures with Vibrators 1 & 2 http://aiminglow.com/2013/09/adventures-with-vibrators/ photo credit: alanconnor via photopin cc

Adventures with Vibrators


Why Sometimes My Dates Cancel

I gotta be me

Well, not technically “stood up.” In the afternoon my date sent me a text message, “Something came up – can’t make it tonight. So sorry.” I’m about to reveal something here – something that you’re going to cringe at. I’m going to tell you why I believe she canceled the date. But it will sound [...]

The Best Way to Destroy Someone Emotionally

Bike Chick

I was riding to work today as I always do at 8am. I must have been close to the bike lane divider line because some asshole in the full loser bike gear yelled at me as he’s passing me. “Move to the LEFT!!!! Jesus!!!” Look, skinny weirdo bike dick – there’s six feet on either [...]

My Ex-Wife Got Married (But I’m Pretty Sure Still Uses My Last Name)

eiffel tower

Christina and I divorced over two and half years ago. I still contact her every once in a while. We’re perfectly friendly and sometimes I need advice on pet stuff. She is a vet. Well, my dog is due for a dental. Meepers is very sensitive to shots and has become sick in the past [...]

I Have Never Watched a Weatherman


It’s estimated that today we’re supposed to receive two to four inches of snow here in Chicago. Just two days ago it was in the mid-thirties. Been a great winter so far. For those of you in the South who are wincing now, we all hate you up here. For real, yo. Yesterday the big [...]

I Think I Gave Myself a UTI


I went on a bath bonanza for the past week. I probably got four in five days. Then I left for a blog convention. I’ve always been sensitive to pressure when flying. I take a decongestant (actually a whole bunch of ‘em) before a flight just to loosen up the sinuses. I’ve never had an [...]

I Accidentally and Purposefully Forget to Flush (Sometimes)

flush toilet

The first thing I do when I know someone is coming over to my place is check my bathrooms.  For unflushed pee. I’ve written earlier about how I talk to my friends on my phone whilst using the W.C. (British words are cool!). Out of respect I don’t flush during a call. I’m not an animal, for God’s [...]

Explicit Text Message from a Desperate Man

Text Message

This morning, my girlfriend received a text message from a guy she went out with a few times over a year ago. They haven’t spoken since, and I don’t think he even lives in the same state. The message was something like, “I know I’m not supposed to say this, but I really want to [...]