Valentine’s Gift Guide for the Non-Romantic.

Photo credit: Justin Ficklin

Valentine’s Day insists on coming again this year and it vexes the non-romantic among us. For example, me.

I hate flowers. They die. I might as well take two twenty dollar bills out of my wallet and fling them out the window of my minivan. They’re labor intensive. You get them thrust at you and immediately you have to climb on a stool and retrieve a vase, wash the dust out of it, find your scissors and pretend you know how to trim the stems, open that little packet of flower “saver” that has no apparent effect on the life of the flowers other than to make you feel more hopeful about their future – hopes that will be dashed – and add water.

Then you have to care for the flowers like a pet, tenderly checking them each day, nipping off dead petals, hauling them in and out of the vase to refill the noxious water, rearranging them as your bouquet inevitably shrinks in size. And it’s not over. When they die you have to truck the remains out to the big can, sweep up after their detritus, and scrub the dead smelly slimy leaf-paste off the inside of the vase. Out comes the stool again, so you can return the vase back to the high cabinet, where it will sit, like a statue, until the next flowers arrive.

Great gift. Maybe next time you could just hand me some pants to hem. It would take less time.

But suppose some special someone in your life is expecting a gift. There’s still time. In fact, you can wait and pick up most of these on the way home on the 14th:

1. The Newspaper. Go retro and bring home an actual hard copy of your local paper! Your Valentine won’t take this from your hands and say “What the hell is this for? I can get this for free on my iPad.” Not if you pair it with a cute card you made out of a post-it you stole from the office that says: “Extra! Extra! [Your Beloved's Name Here] Agrees to be [Your Name Here]‘s Valentine!”

2. Gift Basket of Crappy Food. This will be loved. Pop into the grocery store and throw shit into your cart. You don’t need a basket, per se, since you can “wrap” your gift right in those attractive plastic bags they gift you at the checkout! Toss in all the junk food that you love the best – because if you love it, your partner will love it too, right? OR YOU WOULDN’T BE TOGETHER. Me? I’d fill my basket/bag with Chocolate Covered Ritz Crackers, Cocoa Puffs, and an Us Magazine with Jennifer Aniston on the cover. Because one of these times, she really will be pregnant. And I don’t want to miss out.

3. The Silent Treatment. You’ll probably get it anyway if you come home with any of these shitty gifts, so why not GIVE the gift of silence proactively? Your partner might not even realize what you are doing, but when they do, I guarantee it will be a laugh riot.

Valentine’s Day? Love it or hate it? Worst gift you ever received? Chime in below.

 

About CindyR

Cindy Reed avoids actual pants and is overly fond of a jaunty fedora. She has exactly one rap video. Visit her at The Reedster Speaks, where you’ll find her blogging almost exclusively about her underwear. If you still can’t get enough of her, you could follow every pearl of wisdom that drops from her lips at yeah write and on Twitter, Facebook, and Google+. She lives in Asheville, North Carolina, the cesspool of sin.

Comments

  1. Linda says:

    Tears. Tears Cindy. From laughing. So hard. A good five minutes on Jennifer Aniston alone. One of these days…you’re not kiddin’. The damn flowers. You nailed that one. I’m looking at the vase on the top shelf now. Where’s the stool?

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  2. Jen says:

    Hysterical! And so freaking true about the flowers!

  3. Natalie says:

    Taking notes…this Valentine’s Day my husband’s going to be blown away by your suggestions.

  4. ChrisBird says:

    I pooped a bit when I read the pants hemming joke. I need to change my diet.

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  5. Preach, sister! Laughed so hard at this: “Maybe next time you could just hand me some pants to hem.”

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  6. Kristin says:

    I love the newspaper idea! And I’m not being facetious. I LOVE it. I’m forwarding to my loved one as a hint. Thanks, Cindy!

    (And not for nothing, but the spam-math under this is not the easiest in the world.)

  7. Sandy Ramsey says:

    They make chocolate covered Ritz crackers?!?!

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