The world’s most adorable and lovable Pope sat down with us for a rare interview. Nicknamed “the People’s Pope,” he has quickly become beloved everywhere for his kindness (he like kids!), compassion (he kisses the afflicted), his humility (he sleeps in the Vatican’s guest house!), and open-mindedness (gay people will only go to hell if they do gay stuff!). We sat down with Pope Francis and asked him to answer some of the question’s from Proust’s famous questionnaire. Here are his responses!
1. What is your idea of perfect happiness?
Gosh…probably washing the feet of a leper while enjoying a San Lorenzo de Almagro Football game (go Hostile Bush Squirrels!) and kneeling on a cold concrete floor in a thin robe. Man, that would really be something.
I believe that “God’s surprises” bring happiness — surprises like a new friend, or contracting gangrene. You never know with God, but he keeps you on your toes.
2. What is your greatest fear?
I have no fear. What do I have to be afraid of? Speaking in front of crowds? Death? Spiders? Please. I’m the Pope.
3. Which living person do you most admire?
4. What is your greatest extravagance?
Well, there is this one pair of socks…oh my, I’m blushing just thinking about it. I bought this new pair of socks the other day. They just looked so soft, no holes, nothing like that. It was an impulse buy.
5. What do you most dislike about your appearance?
I don’t really like my legs. Thankfully, robes are very forgiving.
6. What is the quality you most like in a man?
Humility. For example, if someone says, “Hey Francis, you are looking really good today.” I would say, “Thank you, but I am more concerned about helping the poorest among us than about the physical trappings of this world.” To which someone might say, “Jeez. Sorry. I was just trying to give you a compliment.” To which I might reply, “I have no need of compliments. Find the man on the side of the road who has nothing. He needs a compliment more than I do.” To which someone might reply, “You know what? Forget it. Just forget I said anything.”
Something like that.
7. What is the quality you most like in a woman?
A questioning mind that does not want to be ordained.
8. Which words or phrases do you most overuse?
I suppose I say “bless you” an awful lot. I’m trying to slow it down, though. Now when people sneeze around me I just hand them a kleenex and say, “You know.”
9. Which talent would you most like to have?
Water into wine? Just kidding.
Hang on. I have to go tweet that. LOL.
10. What do you consider your greatest achievement?
Becoming Pope is probably number one. But if you ask my Mom it’s that time I got an A- in calculus.
11. If you were to die and come back as a person or a thing, what would it be?
Please do not compare me to our lord, Jesus Chris. Come on, Vogue. What is this, amateur hour?
12. What is your favorite occupation?
Foot-washing, afflicted-kissing, cripple-rubbing.
13. What is your most marked characteristic?
14. Who are your favorite writers?
I looooooooove the new John Grisham. The man can’t write a bad book! I tried to get into “Killing Jesus” by Bill O’ Reilly but it hit too close to home.
15. Which historical figure do you most identify with?
I chose Francis for my pope name because of my admiration for St. Francis of Assisi. You haven’t heard of him? Let me give you the cliff notes:
He was a spoiled rotten brat who grew up to be a royal douche bag until one day he dreamt that God told him he was the worst so then he cried in a cave and kissed a leper and converted. The people who followed him admired the way he slept out in the open and begged for garbage to eat. He also preached to a flock of birds, gave away his clothes, and tried to convince everyone that poverty was awesome. All that poverty and wandering led to his death, however, at the age of 45 after a long illness. Also he went blind and had someone cauterize his face with a hot iron so they could operate on his eyes.
I can only dream of achieving that kind of crazy one day.
16. What is it that you most dislike?
Cruelty and violence. I believe that we as Catholics have a responsibility to superficially get along with everyone, no matter what their race, sex, or sexual orientation. It’s like getting along with your neighbors: you don’t have to invite them over for dinner, but if someone’s robbing your house you want them to call the police. Plus you know your neighbors are going to hell but don’t ever, ever bring that up.
17. How would you like to die?
Oh my gosh, it is going to be so epically humble. I see myself on a mat, laying on a floor. I might be living in a cardboard box or a barn, I’m not sure which right now. I will probably contract some kind of horrible disease from my followers, but it will be worth it. As I have said before, holy men should be like shepherds, who are so close to their flock that they smell like their sheep.*
(*He really did say this. Google it.)
But my passing will be quiet, my body easy to dispose of, and Sophia Loren will deliver my eulogy.
18. What is your motto?
People’s Pope, y’all!