My Wife Found Her X Chromosome

I think she must have cracked up a bit while I was away this time, because when I got home, the house was clean, the dog was still alive, and she was already planning the next night’s dinner.


I know this doesn’t seem like a big deal to all of you Martha Stewart wannabes, but it was a huge shock to me. I’m not used to this level of Alice from The Brady Bunch.

She has also nipped a bunch of addictions in the bud, so far as I can tell. Namely Coke and Tim Hortons.

I’m talking about the cola. I doubt the house would be this clean if she gave up the other one.

Of course I’m kidding. As far as I know, she has never even seen real cocaine. I have though; that’s a different story altogether.

Anyhow, when I met my gorgeous, vibrant, and sexy wife, she was not what you would call a domestic goddess. You might go so far as to say she was stunted as a “housewife”. Not that I gave a shit, it just meant that nobody was going to be ragging on me for being my usually slobby self. Win!

Now I have never been a huge follower of tradition, unless that tradition was a way to do something I really wanted to. You know, like going to a party or skinny dipping with strippers. I would rather have the lady in my life be a free spirit and spit in the face of stereotypes, instead of fawning over me like a wife is supposed to.

You don’t want to make my lunch for work? I don’t fucking blame you. I don’t want to make it either, and that means that I will have to eat whatever is in the can* that’s been rolling around in my trunk for two winters and a summer.

*It was lentils.

Baby, was I supposed to thaw this out first? It seems a bit rare.

So anyhow, I came home from the west to a new wife that when we went grocery shopping yesterday, decided that she was going to cook a turkey dinner for me and one of my best friends. On the way home she asked me how long you cook turkeys for, because she had never done one.

Oh well, I have a month to recover from the salmonella poisoning, and if it means that my baby will smile her beautiful smile while I gag down a chewy slice of pink turkey, then so be it. If she is happy and eager to cook; I need to support her.

Luckily I didn’t need to worry about that. The turkey, and the fixins were all delicious.

It turns out that she’s a good cook after all.

About ChrisBird

A self proclaimed "free thinker", Chris has spent most of his life doing what he wants. He wears lovely velour shirts at will, and he rarely brushes his teeth. If you find something at a thrift store that you feel needs to be modelled, please let him know, and he will tell you where to send it. When he is not being whimsical, he can be found in “The Cocoon” with his forgiving wife, and his dog Blue. Well, except for when it’s time for romance, that’s when Blue has to skedaddle. You only make that mistake once. He can be found at Change The Topic, on the ultra-cool Google+, The Twitter, and sadly, Facebook.


  1. Sara Tanner says:


  2. Linda says:

    This is one of your best, my friend! LMAO. And Tim Horton’s has got coke beat by a long shot.

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    • ChrisBird says:

      You think so? Thank you. It means a lot coming from another writer. I never know what is going to appeal to people. I will not give Tim Horton’s a dime of my money if I can help it. Coke on the other hand…

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