Valentine’s Day is coming up faster than you’d like to believe. Although I have a general distaste for Hallmark holidays, I’m gonna tell it to you straight: if you’re in any kind of relationship, you need to know what the explicit expectations are for this holiday of lurve.
At my house, I make meatloaf. No card, no muss – I just cook up a giant glob of beef and onion, and my carnivorous husband sings my praises. Maybe he comes home with some sort of baked good. Maybe we play a nerdy board game. Whatever. We are not Hallmark holiday people.
However, in my younger day, I had expectations. Mostly because I thought the way my boyfriends acted on Valentine’s Day could make up for them being shitty every other day … but that’s another story. The point is, I was always disappointed.
Maybe my expectations were unreasonable. Or maybe, again, I just had shitty boyfriends. The point is, you’ve got to love each other every day, not just February 14th. And if you collectively decide to do it up right on V-Day, there are certain rules of etiquette to keep in mind.
Learn from the boys I who left an impression on me:
- If a card is the expected thing, plan ahead. Your sweetheart will know if you run to the grocery store and grab the first card you see on Feb. 14th. These cards smell like rotten produce and desperation.
- If you want to go the handmade route, more power to you. However, know that “cards” written in ballpoint on notebook paper with the torn edges still attached will most likely get you immediately disqualified from further V-Day action, if you know what I mean.
- No human over the age of 16 actively wants a white teddy bear. Just sayin’.
- Going out to dinner? Don’t judge your honey’s appetite. Maybe she’s just really hungry. Maybe you shouldn’t take her to a deli. Maybe it’s OK that she ate an entire sandwich. And maybe you shouldn’t look agape and say, “I can’t believe you ate that whole thing. I’ve never seen a girl eat that much.”
- Meeting for drinks? Focus on your beloved. Nothing puts a damper on Valentine’s Day like flirting with some random at the bar and then telling your date about how great and lovely said random was. Ahem.
- Be gracious. If your sweetie makes you a mixtape, don’t critique it. Your significant other doesn’t want to hear your thoughts on which Air Supply song would have been a better choice than “Lost in Love” and no, she doesn’t want to remake the mixtape to reflect your preferences. Not that I’m still bitter or anything.
Learn from these mistakes. Or, follow my lead and make meatloaf. Whatever.
What was your worst Valentine’s Day?