A few women did. One lady stabbed her fiancé during an argument over the color scheme for their wedding. Another woman was so upset when her boyfriend came home without beer on Christmas that she beat and stabbed him with a ceramic squirrel.
A ceramic squirrel.
Now, I’ve never seriously considered stabbing anyone. I did have one moment of blind rage wherein I decided that yes, yes, I would drive around the block and ram my car into the trampmobile of the hoochie who was hooking up with my boyfriend. However, I couldn’t turn left at the light and the moment passed.
But stabbing? That’s some serious shit. Blood stains are a bitch.
Weddings are stressful. And running out of beer is stressful. But to me, neither of these tragedies is worth going to jail.
If I were to stab somebody with a ceramic squirrel, it would have to be for something big. Real big. My new year’s resolution is to not get arrested for stabbing. However, there are scenarios might make it tough for me to stick with that goal.
This includes seemingly minor yet incredibly oblivious transgressions, like lack of basic cart etiquette at the grocery. Lady who abandoned her cart in the middle of every single aisle? I’m looking at you. You make the world a more difficult place for everyone, and we don’t have time for your crap.
Then, there are the larger issues that surely deserve some squirrel-on-human violence. I think it would be fitting that anyone who is cruel to an animal be on the receiving end of some vigilante ceramic justice.
And then, there are the people who incite violence like no one else can: family. I would be willing to arm myself with a ceramic squirrel if a certain sibling pair in my tribe continues to threaten each other with dumb lawsuits. When your actions make your parents roll over in their graves, you probably need the come-to-Jesus that only a ceramic squirrel can deliver. To the skull.
I’m not an aggressive person. I just appreciate a stylish solution, and stabbing with a ceramic squirrel certainly gets extra points for panache.
So, yeah. What would get you all stabby-like with a ceramic woodland creature?
Wanna read more about squirrels? Sure you do.