Calgon refuses to take me away.

I slipped away after supper thinking I might grab a relaxing soak in the tub. The first 90 seconds of my bath? Sublime. Remember those “Calgon, Take Me Away” ads from the 1970s? For a minute and a half, I was that last scene of the transformed harried housewife, at last calmly luxuriating in her bath.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

The Setting.

Enter Akeyla, 4 years old…

Akeyla:  Mommy, what are you doing?

Me:  Taking a bath.

Akeyla:  Why?

Akeyla:  Can I touch your water?

Akeyla:  Can I get in the tubbie?  I LOVE TUBBIES!

Enter Astrid, 8 years old…

Astrid:   So Mom, I was playing this awesome game, and I was a fox, but I wasn’t like other foxes, I was a magical fox –

Akeyla:  The bubbles are going through your boobies!

Astrid (plops onto toilet):   — I was the only one with a black tail, and it was a magical tail, and —

Akeyla (to me, shaving):  Mommy, why are you doing that??

Astrid (flushing):   — BECAUSE LADIES HAVE STINKY HAIRY ARMPITS!! – Anyway, so there was this other fox, with pink eyes and a black tail, no, wait, I was the only one with a black tail, but we were cousins —


Astrid:   — and we lived in a forest, in a magical tree, and there were lots of other forest creatures —

Akeyla:   I LOVE TUBBIES! I want to touch the water again! TUBBIES ARE MY FAVORITE!!

Astrid:  — and the fox with the white tail was named Vanilla, and my name was Chocolate – no Hershey – no Ebony, and —

Akeyla (to me):  What are you doing now Mommy?

Astrid:  – Akeyla stop asking dumb questions!! – and there was a village that we would go into, and it had a magical candy store, and –-

Akeyla:  Do you want my Little People to play with? I can go get them! Do you want my dinosaurs?

Akeyla & Astrid: Why are you getting out?

Me:  Oddly enough, I’m done.


Astrid (following me):   Mom!! You have to listen to the rest of my story…..

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Turns out, Calgon is a lying bitch.

About CindyR

Cindy Reed avoids actual pants and is overly fond of a jaunty fedora. She has exactly one rap video. Visit her at The Reedster Speaks, where you’ll find her blogging almost exclusively about her underwear. If you still can’t get enough of her, you could follow every pearl of wisdom that drops from her lips at yeah write and on Twitter, Facebook, and Google+. She lives in Asheville, North Carolina, the cesspool of sin.


  1. ChrisBird says:

    Hahaha, this got me smiling. I went through the Animal Jam phase where I had to listen to all of the magical tail and den building bullshit. I didn’t, you’ll be relieved to know, have any kids in the bathroom while I was having a tubbie though. Great post, Reedster.

    Twitter Name:

  2. Jojo says:

    This. Except my kids were younger. “Why does your chest look like that, mommy?! Why are you nipples so big?”
    Me, covering myself with a washcloth, “It’s not nice to say things that hurt people’s feelings.”
    “Oh. I like you chest, mommy. Your nipples are so pretty!”
    Me sinking lower in the tub, trying to cover myself with the vanishing bubbles. Meanwhile, the younger, not so verbal one is playing with the toilet brush and plunger, but I don’t notice.
    Then “Why do you have a furry bottom?”
    “I do not have a furry bottom! You know, SOME people like PRIVACY in the bathroom.”
    She says, completely sincere, “But not you, mom.”
    Never forgotten that.

Speak Your Mind