It’s the end of the year and that means I’m going all “best of” list on your asses. The typical top 10 topics are out. I saw exactly zero movies last year. My Spotify playlists are frozen in the 1990s.
I could make lists of things like “Top 10 Reasons I Yelled at My Kids While Packing Lunches” or “Top 10 Songs I Had to Click Off the Radio Before the Children Questioned the Lyrics” (#1: “Gorilla” by Bruno Mars). But mostly I spent my valuable time on earth in 2013 reading about the antics of lesser celebrities and $500+ items I “must have” for each season. And this took A LOT OF TIME, especially when the wifi went out at taekwondo and I could only get a 3G connection (shudder).
TOP 5 SLIDESHOWS I CLICKED THROUGH ON HUFFINGTON POST WHILE WAITING FOR MY KIDS:
5. Kate Middleton’s Style Evolution. Subtitled “Everything Kate Middleton’s Ever Worn”, this short 173-photo slideshow only took me about nine weeks to click through on my phone. And still, I have to call bullshit on it because if this is LITERALLY EVERYTHING SHE HAS EVER WORN, then why is there NARY A ONESIE IN SIGHT?
4. 16 Reasons Why We Forget Kylie Jenner Is Still A Teenager. Kim Kardashian? So 2012. The real action is with the youngest Kardajennerian, Kylie. I NEED TO KNOW EVERYTHING ABOUT HER. Did she seriously pierce her nail? How does she get into clubs when she is only 16? What’s up with her and Jaden Smith? WHY IS SHE SO GODDAMN FASCINATING?
3. How To Wear Pajamas To Work, According To A Vogue Editor (11 photos of “Pajamas Under $100”). I’m glad they specified that this was from a Vogue editor, otherwise I might have thought that this was “How To Wear Pajamas To Work, ACCORDING TO GOD.” Apparently, the trick is to buy the most expensive motherfucking pajamas you can find that already look like an outfit and then, you know, WEAR THOSE. The good news is that all my pajamas qualify in that they are under $100 and I wear them to work every day, because my office is mere steps from my bed.
2. 10 Unmistakable Signs That You’re In a Grown-Up’s Apartment. I experienced sadness after clicking through this one. I mean, we have “actual hand towels” in our home, but we lack a tablecloth, living plants, matched dishes, and “the right glasses for the right beverages.” (What is the right glass for Ovaltine? I think it’s a mug with that says “Matthew: Gift from God” on it.) I’m pretty sure we meet #3: “Non-essential furniture.” I know the editors were going for ottomans and poufs, but we have some dining room chairs with no seats on them that I think fit the bill. They are the least essential chairs ever, in that you cannot sit on them.
And the Number One Slideshow I Clicked Through on Huffington Post in 2013…
1. 15 Must-Have Spring 2013 Wedding Dresses, According to Our Editors. There’s no hyperbole in this title, people. YOU MUST HAVE FIFTEEN WEDDING DRESSES WHETHER OR NOT YOU ARE GETTING MARRIED EVEN THE RED ONE BECAUSE GAME OF THRONES.
I can’t wait for 2014.