Santa’s calendar: The week before Christmas

TUESDAY, DECEMBER 24TH, 2013

Busy day today. Don’t know how longer I can keep up this kind of schedule. Must make sure to hydrate and refill prescriptions.

Christmas comes but once a year because Santa need to take a fucking seat, y’all.

  • Pancake breakfast in New Jersey
  • Photos at the mall (yawn)
  • Fly in to New York City in helicopter, land on aircraft carrier, give out presents
  • Feed the saltwater fish at the aquarium in Seattle
  • Photos at Nordstroms (rich kids, long lists — bring hemorrhoid seat cushion)
  • Quick dash over to Safeway to give away a free honey-baked ham
  • Photos at Petco in Chicago (bring pet hair roller, wear extra padding — remember the ferret incident from last year)
  • California Pizza Kitchen staff party in Missouri
  • Special appearance at the Kardashian home in Los Angeles (money to go towards sleigh maintenance)
  • Photos at the Scottsdale gun club
  • Gaze longingly at gift card display in Barnes and Noble
  • Feed the penguins at the zoo in Greenland (bring hand sanitizer)
  • Direct traffic in the Philippines (wear steel-toed shoes, watch for bikes)
  • Feed the sharks in Spain (bring a change of red velvet pants)
  • Run a 5k in Ireland (bring elastic bands for beard and hair, Ho Ho Ho sweatband)
  • Ski for charity in Maine
  • Act as gondolier in Italy (forget tips — they never tip)
  • Bungee jump for charity in Indonesia
  • Go home. Vomit.
  • Have elf clean beard.

 

 

About MeredithB

Meredith lives in Seattle, WA where she does mediocre writing and mildly offensive parenting. She writes the funny on her blog, Pile of Babies (http://www.pileofbabies.com) and as a staff writer at Aiming Low (http://www.aiminglow.com).

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