Santa’s calendar: The week before Christmas


Busy day today. Don’t know how longer I can keep up this kind of schedule. Must make sure to hydrate and refill prescriptions.

Christmas comes but once a year because Santa need to take a fucking seat, y’all.

  • Pancake breakfast in New Jersey
  • Photos at the mall (yawn)
  • Fly in to New York City in helicopter, land on aircraft carrier, give out presents
  • Feed the saltwater fish at the aquarium in Seattle
  • Photos at Nordstroms (rich kids, long lists — bring hemorrhoid seat cushion)
  • Quick dash over to Safeway to give away a free honey-baked ham
  • Photos at Petco in Chicago (bring pet hair roller, wear extra padding — remember the ferret incident from last year)
  • California Pizza Kitchen staff party in Missouri
  • Special appearance at the Kardashian home in Los Angeles (money to go towards sleigh maintenance)
  • Photos at the Scottsdale gun club
  • Gaze longingly at gift card display in Barnes and Noble
  • Feed the penguins at the zoo in Greenland (bring hand sanitizer)
  • Direct traffic in the Philippines (wear steel-toed shoes, watch for bikes)
  • Feed the sharks in Spain (bring a change of red velvet pants)
  • Run a 5k in Ireland (bring elastic bands for beard and hair, Ho Ho Ho sweatband)
  • Ski for charity in Maine
  • Act as gondolier in Italy (forget tips — they never tip)
  • Bungee jump for charity in Indonesia
  • Go home. Vomit.
  • Have elf clean beard.



About MeredithB

Meredith lives in Seattle, WA where she does mediocre writing and mildly offensive parenting. She writes the funny on her blog, Pile of Babies ( and as a staff writer at Aiming Low (

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