TUESDAY, DECEMBER 24TH, 2013
Busy day today. Don’t know how longer I can keep up this kind of schedule. Must make sure to hydrate and refill prescriptions.
Christmas comes but once a year because Santa need to take a fucking seat, y’all.
- Pancake breakfast in New Jersey
- Photos at the mall (yawn)
- Fly in to New York City in helicopter, land on aircraft carrier, give out presents
- Feed the saltwater fish at the aquarium in Seattle
- Photos at Nordstroms (rich kids, long lists — bring hemorrhoid seat cushion)
- Quick dash over to Safeway to give away a free honey-baked ham
- Photos at Petco in Chicago (bring pet hair roller, wear extra padding — remember the ferret incident from last year)
- California Pizza Kitchen staff party in Missouri
- Special appearance at the Kardashian home in Los Angeles (money to go towards sleigh maintenance)
- Photos at the Scottsdale gun club
- Gaze longingly at gift card display in Barnes and Noble
- Feed the penguins at the zoo in Greenland (bring hand sanitizer)
- Direct traffic in the Philippines (wear steel-toed shoes, watch for bikes)
- Feed the sharks in Spain (bring a change of red velvet pants)
- Run a 5k in Ireland (bring elastic bands for beard and hair, Ho Ho Ho sweatband)
- Ski for charity in Maine
- Act as gondolier in Italy (forget tips — they never tip)
- Bungee jump for charity in Indonesia
- Go home. Vomit.
- Have elf clean beard.